Sox vs.Tigers

Well, The White Sox have taken 2 of 3 at home against the Tigers. That's good. But this series got me thinking a lot about this AL Central race. I've heard a few people this week (well, before we won 2 of 3) continue talk of Detroit being a magical team of destiny this season. I am still skeptical. I honestly am not sure that the Sox will fare better from here on out or are themselves a "team of destiny" again, but there is one area where Tiger fans have to be worried. It also points to the areas that will decide this whole Battle Royale.

30 of Detriot's 38 wins have come against below .500 teams. Now, that sounds worse than it is really because there's only six teams in the American league above .500. And only 14 in baseball overall. And Detroit has only played 20 games against above .500 opponents vs. 44 against the below .500-ers.

While Detroit (and the Sox too) are relatively untested when it comes to playing good teams, The Tigers have not fared well against above .500 teams so far. Against the Yankees, Red Sox and White Sox, they are 3-10. Against all the above .500 teams they've played (NY, Boston, CWS, Texas and Cinncinatti) they are 8-12.

Meanwhile, the Sox have only played 13 games against above .500 teams and are 9-4. So they have the edge there, but have not played New York or Boston. And they are not doing as well as Detorit against the must-beat teams.

So, there's two big factors to watch in the win-loses here. One, How will both teams do as they both enter Junes and Julys versus the big dogs? Detorit has to prove they can beat teams of their same caliber or better. And Chicago has to keep their above .500 ways agaisnt above .500 teams when they get a shot at teams better than just Texas, Detroit and Toronto. Besides, the only reason, the Sox are above .500 against these teams is because they've beat the Tigers 5 out of 6.

And two, how will they both continue to play agaisnt the sub-par teams? The White Sox have got to consistently beat the below .500 teams. Detroit is doing this well and could ride that to the Division championship. Because there are more teams in the American league under .500, a team could just beat up on them, go .500 (or even less) against the better teams and coast to the playoffs. The Sox are 27-17 against the lower teams (compared to Detroit's 30-11). They've lost 3 of 9 to KC, 2 of 3 to the Devil Rays, and 6 of 9 to Cleveland. Detroit, on the other hand, is 8-0 against the Royals. So, if they keep doing what a winner should--beating the cruddy teams, the Sox may be in trouble.

So, I am waiting to see Detroit beat good teams. And I am hoping, wishing and waiting for the Sox to start playing consistent ball against the teams they should be beating.

And the Sox and Tigers still play 13 more times. If the Sox keep their average agaisnt the Tigs, that will surely help...

PTOIT Quotes of the Week:

"I do more to win people to The Classic Crime than I do for Christ. That's probably a problem." -Charissa, about evangelizing her favorite band.

"You can tell me whatever you want about facial hair, but when it is 90 degrees out, that just doesn't feel good." --Ed Farmer, radio broadcaster for the Chicago White Sox.

"Hey Canadian Terrorists, you hate Canada? That's like saying you hate toast." - Jon Stewart, in a Daily Show story about 14 terrorists arrested for threats against Canada. Eh.

"Finding Zarqawi's replacement will be tough. You have to hate the West and have management skills. You have to possess people skills--but hate people." - Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee about the HR crisis following the assassination of terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

CSI: My Office

Monkey Search 2006: Day 29

Status Report: Few people know that there's a 29-day cutoff to searches in missing monkey cases. But there is. 29 days ago, the Red Fez Monkey disappeared from his little boat on my desk. And there's been no sign of him since despite tireless search efforts.

Because of the lack of resolution, the police have closed the books on this case. But to try an make since of this mess, I needed to press a little further. And I now have an exclusive. On the right is a crime scene photo I took from the police file, when I was signing the Closed Case documents. While it doesn't solve everything, it does offer some clues.

You can see here how close the boat is to the garbage can. I am fearing that Red Fez Monkey either took his own life by diving into the garbage or was pushed (by the stormtrooper?).

Or maybe he fell in by accident.

Action Steps: I could hire an outside investigator to continue Monkey Search 2006, but honestly, it is just time to move on.

Good bye, Red Fez Monkey.

That's the Way to Fund Raise

At youth group on Sunday, our leader Jen told us all that our pastor is very excited about the youth putting on a Haunted House in our new basement next fall as a fund raiser and outreach. The kids were getting really excited. But I wanted to ask if the other counselors felt there'd be flak from more conservative attendees of the church. So in front of all the kids, I began talking: "So, do you think there will be any reservations from older people about holding a..."

At this point of talking, I was still forming the question in my mind. I thought about saying "House of Horrors" instead of "Haunted House." And then, for some reason, "Horror House" seemed like a good idea. What people heard was this:

"So, do you think there will be any reservations from older people about holding a Whore House in the church basement?"

After the laughing subsided, it was decided that, yes, there would probably be reservations.

Things That Make You Go...

Big weekend. I played six hours of Battlefront II yesterday. I played Ultimate Frisbee with youth group kids and listened to their whining about running too much (what is wrong with the Youth of America that I am wanting to run more than them?) And I went hiking at Starved Rock (Did you know the Native Americans actually built wooden stairs and pathways to make it easier to hike?).

Two thoughts struck me this weekend (hey, it is the weekend. Two thoughts over three days ain't bad!). The first came at Starved Rock.

There was a family with a dog in one of the canyons. He was running around and playing in the water. Well, at one part of the canyon was as slick rock slope. And he kinda tentatively inched further and further on it to check it out. And of course, he went to far and slid down into the water at the bottom. This really struck me as a illustration of how we slide down slippery slopes in our sins and struggles.

But what really got me was what the dog did the bottom. He just kept trying to climb back up that slippery rock to no avial. He struggled and struggled and struggled. He couldn't figure out that if he just turned around, he could just walk up the gradual dirt slope. Instead, he stayed right at the spot where he fell and tried in vain to climb out the same way he slid in.

And this is the best part: His family began to call the dog's name and lead him out of the pit. The woman walked around to the other side and called him to show him the way out. Only when he stopped fussing, whining and clawing did he hear her voice and follow her along the easy way out. Isn't this always the way with our struggles and sins? Man, I've had a situation like this in the last year. I just kept sliding down that depressing slippery rockface into the same puddle. And I'd try to climb out. But the only real way out was by listening and following.

The second thought this weekend is just as thought-provoking. It's about urinals.

After seing X-Men 3 Friday night, I went into the theater bathroom to find a line of about 7 guys waiting for the urinals. Well, then I notice that despite the long line, two urinals are not being used. They are the kid urinals--set about 6 inches lower on the wall. But they are still fully operational. There's no greater exposure. In fact, there's no real difference to these urinals except that they are a tad lower. That's it. And, you know, gravity does it's job.

But there must be a lack of macho street cred with using a kid's urinal. But I am not afraid. I said to the line ahead of me, "So, none of you are going to use those?" No one said anything (probably because of the unwritten Guy Code that you don't speak in the bathroom.) And so I bucked the line and went to one of the smaller urinals. When I was finished, only one guy in the line had gotten to go yet. And still, no one else followed my lead. They just waited.

And you know that one of them is blogging somewhere about the girly man who used the kiddie urinal instead of being a man and waiting.

PTOIT Quotes of the Week

"Fidel Castro's doctor denied rumours that the president's health was ailing, saying today the 77-year-old leader is in excellent health and claiming he can live at least 140 years. 'I am not exaggerating,' said Mr Selman." --From a wire story that raises the question, "How long would Castro's doc live if he didn't say things like this?"

"All of [the warnings] come too late for Emery, a secretary in the political science department, who still winces when she recounts what happened to her on a June afternoon she took a shortcut through Thompson Woods. She heard a rustling and saw 'this deer headed right toward me, full charge." -- From a very melodramatic and overwrought story about deer attacks at Southern Illinois University.

"I was wrong." --Lost's Locke.

"The fans are crazy. God bless White Sox fans. Get punched in the face and you're a hero. You get a standing ovation for getting your [butt] kicked and because you strike out. I've never seen that before. Good for AJ. He's bigger than me now." --Ozzie Guillen, trying to explain AJ's folk hero status with Sox fans.

"I have learned over the years, never to say never. If people say they've got a bear in their backyard, I have to believe them. He's right here on frat row with people walking around. This is not a place we want a bear." --A local police officer in yet another Bear Attack story.

The Controversial Code

I saw The Da Vinci Code last night. I've heard all week that it was a bad movie. And our company's movie site gave it 1.5 stars. But I liked it. I haven't read the book, but I thought it was interesting. It wasn't boring or over-talky like I've heard. It was, for the most part, a good mystery. Of course, it is all made up and wrong...but it's a good mystery.

Did you know that the movie is kinda controversial? Well, apparently it is. It seems that the albinos of the world are upset that an albino was protrayed as a villian. They say that this is the 68th movie since 1960 to make an albino character evil. Where are all these evil albino movies? Perhaps we don't know about them because the albino audience doesn't support them and they fail terribly at the box office. Or maybe they are counting all of Nicole Kidman movies. She is really pale. But I wouldn't call her evil.

Update: Perceptive reader Marc from Illinois did think of an evil abino, tho. The torturer with the wheelbarrow (left) from The Princess Bride. Good catch, Marc. But I would submit that he may have been more misunderstood than evil. Or maybe executioner/torturer was the only employment option available to him. We just don't know. But whatever the case, it wasn't exactly a positive portrayal.

And the Associated Press listed these portrayals: The dreadlocked twins in The Matrix Reloaded, a powder-haired hit man in the Chevy Chase-Goldie Hawn crime romp Foul Play, the pasty zombies in The Omega Man, and a sadistic killer in Cold Mountain. Whew, good thing nobody saw any of those movies.

Check out the defense from actor Paul Bettany: “I think it’s no more a comment on albinos than it is on monks, and no more a comment on monks than it is on people who wear sandals.” Dang it, now they are going after sandal wearers. Darn you, Da Vinci Code!

Frank, Bunts and Squirrels

Last night's baseball game was the best of both worlds for a Sox fan. On one hand, we got to see Frank return to his old park for the first time as an Oakland A and blast two homers--something he was very used to doing here. And then, we still won.

It was an eventful night what with Frank's blast, a wild squirrel on the field (and Pablo Ozuna chasing it around), and then the outstanding comeback to win. I really had resigned to that being a loss when it was 4-0 in the top of the 8th. It was a great game to see.

I've seen one walk-off, game-winning homer live before (by Konerko). But this was the first game-winning, walk-off bunt I've seen in person. And how sweet it was. It was like the end of Major Leagues. I was shocked as Pablo Ozuna's bat went down for the bunt and AJ start running from third. That's gutsy. I found myself repeatedly thinking, "What just happened? Did we really just win?" Mr. Clutch Pablo Ozuna went from squirrel chaser to game-winner in just 9 innings.

The way we won with Frank in the house made me see the difference between the club now and then. Frank blasted two bombs, but his team still loses. Homers only go so far. And sure, our comeback was relient on homers by J. Dye and Super Sub Rob Mackowiak. But the win was sealed by small ball. Get them on, get them over, and get them in. A squeeze bunt to win. That is something that didn't happen in the Maggs-Lee-Frank days.

And so, I will always remember Frank as the Best. White. Sock. Ever. And it is hard to see him in that olive green uniform hitting homers against us. But, we are a new team now. A team of squirrel-chasing, base-stealing, 2-out bunting, catcher-demolishing, first-base-stealing grinders. Amen.

I promise, non-Sox fans that the I will return to non-Sox posts soon. Oh, but here is something for everyone to enjoy on the White Sox blog. Read down on the May 22 post for a very funny Ozzie Guillen story. The craziest part of the story? Ozzie gets his nails done?

The Animals are Getting Smarter

When I arrived to work today, my boss had a special surprise: Cupcakes with little monkeys on the top. Even better--the monkey faces topping the cupcakes are rings. Oh, yes. One monkey ring to rule them all. My precious.

Speaking of monkeys (as if I even need to use that transisiton on this blog), a study has proven that monkeys can plan ahead. I was hoping the article would talk about monkeys saving for college or making reservations at nice restaurants. But instead, the study found that orangutans and bonobos could plan to use certain tools to access food.

A few years ago I watched this amazing Discovery show about monkeys who planned and carried out this break-out from the zoo. One monkey used a rock to break off a peice of steel from his water tank and then hid it for days before using it to cut the glass of the cage. It was amazing. Also frightening. Here I am worried about the robot rising and there's monkeys all around us planning agaisnt us. This is how Planet of the Apes really begins.

In other animal news (lots of animals in the news this week!), Alaskan zookeepers are committing one of the foulest types of animal abuse: trying to make an elephant exercise. The articles syas, "By their own admission, the trainers have been making slow progress in trying to coax Maggie, a somewhat cantankerous African elephant, onto the world's first treadmill for a pachyderm."

Slow progress? That's because it is an elephant. And you want it to exercise.

For two months, Maggie's trainers have used her favourite treats - watermelon, apples, carrots, peanuts in the shell, banana slices and sweet potatoes to entice the elephant onto the treadmill. So who is the dummy here? It isn't the elephant who won't get on the crazy moving floor. Maggie knows she's got a sweet deal: getting lured with her fave foods. If anyone want to give me free M&Ms, I'll think about exercising too...

So now we go from an elephant too smart to be suckered into exercising (stand strong, Maggie!) to a truly stupid human trick. A man was charged with burglary and criminal mischief Thursday after he allegedly broke into a funeral home and fell asleep in a coffin. Surprisingly, police say the guy was drunk.

Remember that when the non-excercising elephants and monkeys with PDAs take over the Earth. I'll meet you at the Ikea.

PTOIT QUOTES OF THE WEEK

"When I smelled bacon wafting from my new computer, I was thrilled, until I realized it was the smell of my thighs igniting." -From the Salon.com article, iAy Carumba! MacBook Is Hot!

"Even though Pippi Longstockings and the damned Grape Ape are great candidates for the dirty dozen, we might want to consider taking the red beret." -Lost's Sawyer, after Jack announced who is going on the mission to rescue Walt.

"We got caught in a net." -Sawyer, sharing his history with Ana Lucia with his best friend Jack.

Thank You, Staple. And Good Night

Staple, 2000 - 2006

Rest in Peace

Today I learned that Staple, my favorite hardcore band, will soon be gone forever. They rock hard, sing honest, relatable and God-honoring lyrics, and end their debut album with the rocktastic yell of "Thank you and good night!"

I'll get to see them one last time at Cornerstone this July. And there, I will hold up my rock goblet in salute. Goodbye, Staple.

The Rise of the Machines

I have long been warning of the robot revolution. I have nightmares about fighting armies of cyborgs. I get chills when I read about new developments in robotics. Even the invention of the robot vacuum made me think, "Yup, this is how the rise of the machines begins!" First they are vacuuming our floors and soon they will realize that they are stronger and less squishy than us. And who will be cleaning up whose trash then?

So, of course my interest was piqued this morning when I found this story about a technolgy conference. The CEO of the company that makes those Roomba robo-vacuums says robots will play a big role in military action and elder care. Helping old people? That's great (unless they convince the elderly to fight on their side). But military action? Hasn't anyone seen The Terminator? Or The Matrix?

So, stop the machines. Shut off your computers and ... wait. Finish my blog entry first.

In other news, Snoop Dogg has written a book and gotten kicked out of England forever. And Britney Spears is rapping. Maybe we'd be better off in the service of the robots.

Monkey Search 2006: Day Nine

Status Report: The plastic monkey from my desk is still gone. Hope is dwindling. However, new research has proven that monkeys may be able to talk. So, if Red Fez Monkey is reading this...please call.

Special Update: The experts back in the crime lab (well, Marc) have come through big time. Using special Aging Software, they've produced an image of what Red Fex Monkey may look like today. Here it is:

Bear vs. Monkey

Monkey Search 2006: Day Eight
Status Report: Last night, I recieved an anonymous phone call from two readers who had a major tip about the possible fate of my missing monkey. They directed my attention to this news story. It seems that in a Dutch zoo, a pack of angry bears ate a monkey in front of panicked guests.

The zoo said in a statement, "In an area where bears, great apes and Barbary macaques [read: monkeys] have co-existed peacefully for a long time, the harmony was temporarily disturbed during opening hours on Sunday."

The harmony was temporary disturbed, indeed. So are bears responsible for my missing monkey? Well, we all know that I've always been suspicious of bears. They're crafty. Then again, I have not seen many bears in my office lately.

Action Steps: Adding additional bear traps to office. Questioning known bears in the area. Olin Kreutz has not been available for comment.

Concentrate on Your Yogurt

My friend Marc buys an individual cup of yogurt each day for his lunch. I however, buy in bulk and then bring them one-by-one to work. I am seeing the wisdom to buying them individually.

You see, a 12-pack flat of yogurt almost led to my demise.

At Aldi, I grabbed one of their cardboard flats that hold 12 yogurts and filled it with the delightful Cherries Jubliee yogurt. I set the box on my passenger seat and drove off. Well, I was talking to The Ladyfriend on my phone and pulling into the gas station (to spend $800 on gas, btw). As I turned, went over a bump and hit the brakes, the flat of yogurt turned into a catapult and shot all 12 cartons down to my feet. At first, I playfully yelped because it was kinda funny how they all shot directly down there. And I was relieved that none had broken.

But then horror struck: With the amount of yogurt cartons now at my feet, the already limited surface area near the pedals was filled by tiny fragile Cherry Jubliee landmines. I couldn't move my feet. The little tubs were also under the brake pedal, meaning I couldn't press down. And I was rocketing towards a gas pump. Things didn't look good.

I quickly told The Ladyfriend that I needed to hang-up, but added that I was OK. And then I led the truck into a gentle coast away from any gas pumps or people until I could navigate my feet around the yogurt to press the brake pedal down. Situation averted.

When I called The Ladyfriend back, I aplogized that my yelping and quick goodbye made her think I'd been in an accident. But I explained, "I had to lend my full concentration to all this yogurt."

Monkey Search 2006: Day Seven

Status Report: It is a week now since the Fez Monkey has disappeared. I looked under the desk to no luck. I have also questioned more suspects. No one seems to know anything--or perhaps I surround myself with very good liars. Hard to tell.

Action Steps: I have used another Fez Monkey (Purple Fez Monkey) to generate a missing poster of what Red Fez Monkey looks like (see right). It's only been a week so far, but soon I may implement aging software to get an accurate idea of what he may look like today. I am hoping this poster will help jog people's memories and generate an awareness out there. If you know anything, please let us at PTOIT know.

Why Wait Until the Playoffs?

When I see this photo I imagine Jim Thome saying, "Good job, little man! Only 14 more and you'll be like me!"

That's right: Scott Podsednik got a head start on his normal homerun productivity by not waiting until Game One of the ALDS this year to get his first jack. He got the White Sox going against the Twins today with a two-run home run in the second inning.

It was his first since his Game 2 walk-off home run in the World Series and his first regular-season home run since Sept. 30, 2004. Oh look out, Thome. We may have a new DH. OK, maybe not. But Scotty Pods is back.

His great hitting this series (three hits today--and a triple short of the cycle) has pushed his average to .300 after that 3-for-38 start. Oh yah.

You Are My Gumbo. Or Something.

So I was in church yesterday watching a Mother's Day skit. One of the actors at one point said, "Join us in singing 'You Are My Sunshine.' The lyrics are in your bulletin."

Being a person who does what I am told, I reached down for my bulletin. At that point, my sister gave me a funny look and said, "You need the lyrics for 'You Are My Sunshine?' They are pretty much 'You are my sunshine.'"

She's right. It isn't that difficult of a song. But in my defense, I figured we'd sing more than just the chorus. But we didn't. And it's a good thing. Have you ever read the verses of this song? It's not all that happy. It's about a guy who's lost his love. And there's lines like, "If you leave me/To love another/You'll regret it all some day" and "Now you've left me/And love another/You have shattered all my dreams."

What I didn't know was that it is also the Louisiana State Song. And the state has apparently tacked two verses on the end to apply to their state...so with no warning, the lyrics switch from unrequited love to gumbo.

Man, we should have sung that version in church.

The Wild Kingdom

Many people know about my fear of bears. An irrational fear since I live in the Chicagoland area? Maybe. But you never know when one could shimmy out of it's zoo cage and terrorize the streets of the Chicago suburbs. They're crafty.

Well, imagine my fear when I saw this story about a hunter who found a half-grizzly, half-polar bear. The bears are building the perfect killing machine using their own genes!

But as I read the story, my fear relaxed. You see, I began to see this as not a threat but as a sweet story of forbidden love. A Polar Bear and a Grizzly. They came from different worlds. They were told it could never work. But love is a force of nature.

Speaking of the animal kingdom, I've been wanting to discuss a new film for awhile now. Shoot, what is the name of it... It is about these snakes. And they are unleashed on a plane. Dang, what is the name? Oh yah, Snakes on a Plane. I am sure you've heard about it.

Samuel L. Jackson is a cop on a plane with like 400 snakes. It doesn't come out until August but has become a pop-cultural phenomenon. There's fan sites for it. There's a huge cult following. In fact, the early clamoring for it from the Internet community pushed the film company to do reshoots to amp up the gore, camp and violence.

Because there is such a supportive and excited fan community behind it already, I figure it is about time for the backlash to begin. I think I might start an Anti-Snakes on a Plane movement. I mean how good can the acting of these snakes be? Maybe I will claim cruelity to animals. You know kids will see this movie and take their pet snakes on flights--without a proper dosage of Dramamine. And then we have all these air-sick snakes on our hands. Or maybe I will claim the film exploits snakes. Or Planes. Or flight attendants.

On the other hand, I think I may begin supporting this film to become a franchise. Think about how scary Bears on a Plane would be!

Somehow, This is George Lopez's Fault

It has become part of my idiom that I struggle with the fine mechanics of programming a VCR. This reputation has come from how often I tape The George Lopez Show.

Since no one would do that voluntarily, there's obviously a problem.

I maintain my problem is really with time--and not setting a VCR itself. At the beginning of this season, ABC featured Lopez at 7, The Freddie Prinze show at 7:30 and Lost at 8 on Wednesdays. That sounds simple. But I had it in my head that Lost was on at 7 so I kept taping the dang Lopez Show. After doing that 30 or 40 times, people gave me a hard time for it. And then it got worse.

The first week that I remembered that Lost was on at 8, it also happened to be the fall time change. Since I didn't re-set my VCR clock, it taped at 7:00. And ya, I had a useless tape of the stinking George Lopez Show again. Then, when I went to Nashville, my VCR somehow got its calendar off by a day so it taped on Tuesday instead of Wendesday (??).

This is all to say that my friends don't trust me to provide a tape of Lost. Well, that leads us to last night. We had a softball game and a few of us arranged to go back to my place afterwards to watch last night's episode. There were many jokes about whether I could be trusted to have it on tape. I was kinda stressed out about it. But I took my time and made sure the programming was right.

So, we get there and sure enough: It worked! We watch the show and then--just about 4 minutes from the end--right at the climax, the show abruptly stops. It quit taping right after Mr.Eko yells, "What are you doing?" And then Charissa-- shocked by what is happening--yelled back at the TV, "What are you doing???"

We all drove to Emily and Charissa's house to watch the end on her tape. But for some reason, it didn't tape at all! So we called Marc to go to his house--but he informs us that he missed the very end too! Ack.

So what happended to my taping? I don't know. It is a mystery. I maintain it's not my fault. I had the VCR set to tape until 9:02, but I think my clock was two minutes fast. However, that should have still been fine. Since Marc's taping cut off too, the show must have run over after 9. Bummer.

But the good news is that ABC puts all it's shows online for free. Heck with VCRs.

Monkey Search 2006: Day Three
Status Report: The monkey is still missing. I have searched the desk and surrounding floor area to no success. I have also qustioned suspects and gotten testimonies ranging from "Why would you ask me that?" to "You had a monkey?" to "Do I know you?"
Planned Step: Searching under my desk today.

The Joy of Sox

Last night was the perfect night at the ballpark. I had The Ladyfriend at my side. I got to eat a frozen banana. And nachos. We had great bleacher seats right in center field. The weather turned out to be wonderful. And the White Sox kicked the crud out of the Angels for the 8th straight meeting. (Ironically, the last time the Angels beat the Sox, the first game of the ALCS, I was also in the ballpark. And also had a frozen banana.)

During the first inning, the pseudo-fans behind us began to complain about Freddy. He gave up some hits and a run. They were concerned. They started talking about it being a short night for Mr. Garcia. They worried about his 4 hits allowed in two innings. But have they never seen Freddy pitch? He takes time. He settles down. (I will not comment on how he calms himself down. I will leave those jokes to The Gat.) On the night, Freddy gave up only one more hit and 1 run total. Nice.

And then we got treated to a Thome homerun. Like Konerko, Thome's homers are noticable as soon as they touch the bat. As soon as he swang his big bohemoth swing, the entire crowd stood. I think they partly stood out of excitement. And perhaps partly out of reverence. But I think most stood because they feared being hit. With the speed those suckers go out, it's like a meteor shower. You don't know where it's gonna land and you don't know what damage could be done. I have heard that U.S. Cellular is offering Thome insurance.

Crede and Dye also homered. Has anyone else looked at our offensive numbers recently? It's ridiculous. Seven guys are batting over .300. Four guys have 7 homers or more. And even Scott Podsednick is knocking on the door of .300 now after a rough start. This is a defense and pitching team remember?

In fact, I have to say the highlight of the night was the defense by my boy Scotty Pods. I expect him to steal bases (which he did). I expect him to get on base (1 for 1 with 4 walks? Are you kidding me?). But Scott amazed me last night by robbing that homer by Tim Salmon. What was cool was that, being in the bleachers, I had an awesome view of it. I watched as Scott just stood at the wall waiting. His eyes were on the ball and I thought, "The dude is so zoned in." And still he waited. His eyes were locked. And then, he jumped, timed it perfectly, and ripped it back out of the bullpen.

I've seen great moments at Sox games. Homers, comebacks, game-winning hits, etc. But that was the best defensive play I've seen live. Getting to see it that close, and to see Scott's eyes as it unfolded, was great. Almost as good was the rection of the fans after the catch. There was a long chant of his name as he stood there playing the rest of the inning. As it peaked, he just stood there with his glove over his mouth in his humble, "Gee Shucks" manner.

This was the second Sox game that I've seen with The Ladyfriend. The first was in early April. It was very cold and we lost. So I remarked to her that I was glad our streak of bad games together was over and not some horrible omen. She said that one game is not a streak. I maintain that it is a streak--just a really short one.

Do you have my monkey?

Boy, my day was going great until I made a shocking discovery. Someone has stolen my monkey! I have a replica of the Santa Maria (not full size) on my desk and there's a little monkey with a fez who sits in it (like the original Fez Monkeys who came over to the New World on the real Santa Maria of course). This morning, I've realized that the ship was moved (it usually faces due Southeast and it was facing West) and the monkey is gone. Maybe he got the scurvy.

This is quite unnerving. I need to get my mind off it.

This weekend, I took down the decorations from the Storm party. The steamers were drooping so badly that they were rubbing my head when I walked by. The big lightning bolts however were hanging strong. I could have left those up, but without the streamers they just looked silly. You know, because if a neighbor saw the whole thing they'd be like, "Oh. Party," but with just the big lightning bolts they'd be more like, "Wow, I need to watch my kids closer."

As another condo update, my tree is no longer dying. It turns out that it needs far less water than I would have guessed. Through this experience, I think the tree and I have reached a watering agreement much like the Resurrection Plant and I have. The RP dies when it needs waters--turns brown and droops. I water it, and it pops right back up. It's a nice arrangement. The tree now knows to drop a couple leaves when it needs a glass of water. This is how I expect to care for children also.

Fish-slapping and Locomotives

I celebrated Cinco de Mayo on Friday in the traditional festive way--by eating salsa and then seeing a musical. At least, I think that's what you're supposed to do. At work, we took out an hour and a half of the day to have a Salsa-making competition. 10 people entered. Did you know how many different kinds of salsa there are? One woman said that she found a website with 465 different recipes. That's about 456 more than I figured.

And then, I went to see "Spamalot," the musical based on Monty Python and the Holy Grail. My goodness. This is a fabulous show. I highly recommend. I usually get bored in musicals. But when there are people rolling off of dead carts, flinging cows and fish-slapping, I am very attentive. Nicely done, Mr. Python.

On Saturday, I went to prom. Really. I went as a chaperone. It was interesting for me to see prom from this angle. It felt different watching it unfold from the outside as an adult instead of being a teen caught up in the excitement of hormones and emotions.

Of course, the biggest difference I viewed was that my prom had no jets, coal mines or locomotives. You see, my prom was held at a small country club. Saturday's prom was at the Museum of Science and Industry. Holy cow. There is nothing like walking around a giant train set with hundreds of sweaty people gyrating to "Booty, Booty, Booty" just yards away. Oh, I hope The Youth of America appreciate the opportunities they have...

On a Very Special Episode of "Pirate Dad"...

So, we had another productive staff meeting at work yesterday. Last week, we discussed my plans to rebuild society after the nukes fall at the Ikea. This week, we discussed parenting.

I had to reveal my big parenting plan. Kids pick up on what is around them. They use the words they hear. That is their reality and all they know. So, I figure I will save myself a lot of trouble if I carefully plan the words I use. For instance, I will always call any candy, broccoli. And broccoli will be candy. That way, when they get to school and people offer them candy and such, they will be like, "Heck. No." This plan should work perfectly with other things I wnat them to stay away from, like making out, drugs, and Pauley Shore. Dang, I should write a parenting book.

Also in that meeting, Doug F and I hit onto a new TV show idea: Pirate Dad. It began as a Father Knows Best kind of thing with Dad in an eye patch and a hook for a hand. He'd always warn about scurvy. And pat Johnny on the head and tell him to go help his mom swab the deck. It'd be a good family show. But as we discussed we thought that it would be better to be a Full House kind of thing with three pirates raising kids. Cookie would be the pirate who'd make dinner and stuff. The Captain would be the actual father figure. The best part is that we thought they could all sleep on hammocks tacked to one wall in the house. It'd be great.

PTOIT Quotes of the Week

"My show ain't no Dr. Phil, with people sitting around crying. You're a fool--that's what's wrong with you. You're a fool if you don't take my advice." --Mr. T talking about his new TV talk show.

"Brides will be taken, but they won't help your chances any." --A Freudian slip by me in a list of rules for my work's Salsa contest. It was meant to be "bribes."

"I don't have a choice. It's not like I can go do construction, start building houses in Malibu. [The Media] are forcing me to do this, and I'm glad they are. I'm more than happy to do it. I categorize myself as an artist--a true artist." --Kevin Federline's crazy rationalization on why he is making a rap album.

All Hail Pablo Ozuna

Clutch (kluch): 1. Being or occuring in a tense situation. 2. Tending to be successful in tense or critical situations. 3. Pablo Ozuna.

(So, sidenote: How come every time you see a White Sox celebration picture, Brian Anderson is in it? If he could hit as well he can run out to home plate...we'd be set. I dub him Honorary Team Congratulator.)

It's Hard to Have Good Dental Health

I am finding obstacles in my battle for good dental health. I am trying so hard to brush every day now after the "6-Cavity Incident of March". But things just keep stopping me. I think it's the powers of evil. They hate clean teeth apparently.

So first, I left my toothbrush at my parents' house at Easter and kept forgetting for like a week to buy a new one. And then this weekend on the retreat, my hair gel spilled into my bathroom bag. Well, I didn't notice that and tried brushing my teeth with the newly-purchased toothbrush that was in that bag. As I was brushing I thought, "Man this toothpaste is gross. But I used to like it. Can toothpaste go bad?" That's when I looked in the bag and saw the layer of goo.

I tried soaking that brush. But in the end, I needed a new one. Again. And I bought two--for the next time the armies of darkness try to stop me from good oral hygiene.

In other news... I haven't listed clever song titles lately, but I found this good one on the re-release of the awesome House of Heroes debut CD: "You are the Judas of the Cheerleading Squad."

I also saw Mission:Impossible 3 last night at a preview screening. It's awesome. J.J. Abrams has breathed new life into the franchise with fun, excitement and intensity. It is a crazy ride. By the end, I was worn out.

The 788-Person Difference

In Entertainment Weekly, Tom Hanks said this about The Da Vinci Code:

"I think the movie may end up helping churches do their job. You know, if they put up a sign saying, 'This Wednesday we're discussing the gospel,' 12 people show up. But if the sign says, 'This Wednesday we're discussing The Da Vinci Code,' 800 people show up."

I have some conflicting reactions to Hanks here. First of all, I agree. This movie is not a threat to the church but an open door. To react with only fear and protest and anger is to miss the point that God can use anything. Here we have a major movie getting people to think about Jesus. That's a good thing, right? Instead of boycotting it, go with your friends. That way, when they have questions about the real Jesus and the biblical Truth, you're there. I know I'll end up seeing it.

I also agree with Hanks that using culture and media to teach the Bible is a key way to pull people in and reach them. I do this with my youth all the time. I'll use football analogies to talk about God's plan. I'll use X-Men to talk about the gifts of the church. Most of the articles I write use the movies to talk about heaven & hell, free will, happy endings and other messages. I hope churches do have open-to-the-community discussions about the film. I hope we do use this to get conversations started.

What I have a hard time with is Hanks' numbers. 12 people to talk about the Gospel? 800 to talk about the movie? A 788-person difference? I wonder if what bothers me is a) Hank's pretentiousness about his own movie's draw or b) that he's right. More would come with the second sign. How are we in a societal place where the name of a movie would pull in many more people to the church than the name of Jesus itself? And is that a bad thing? Does that mean that Hollywood and culture are more relevant to each person's life than the church? Or does it simply mean that we as a church can grow in our ability to use the culture around us to show how relevant to a daily life we really are?

Leading the Blind Through Hot Lava

So, this weekend was exhilarating and exciting. I went with our high school youth group to Bair Lake, Michigan, for a high ropes course retreat. (For those of you keeping track at home, Bair Lake is the site of the "Ski Incident" two winters ago.)

We started out with the typical team building games where you have to come together as a group to solve a problem. Suffice it to say that if our group ever gets caught needing to cross hot lava, we are set. Or if anyone goes blind and needs to be led through a forest? No prob.

After doing a morning full of games and activities that helped to build trust, emotional saefty and teamwork, we moved 25 feet into the air. I have never really had much of a problem with climbing or heights. (However, I have been known to dislike planes and flying. I think the difference is who is in control: me or a pilot? Is my life in my own hands? Or in the hands of earthly mechanics?).

But even with doing ropes courses before--and not being too afraid--there were still challenges (like the waist harness that basically catches guys from falling in a very bad part of the body to be caught at.)

This weekend's ropes course was more diverse than I'd ever done before. There were over 15 different obstacles (or elements) up there: balance beams, mini-zip lines, rope puzzles, tightropes, swings, pulley carts, cargo nets, etc. Some were very challenging. One element was just two platforms facing each other about 4 feet apart. And you were supposed to jump. Seriously.

The neat thing about this weekend (and really every time I am with the youth) is how I wasn't just the teacher or model. I was also a learner and follower. I only did that crazy jump because I saw a junior do it boldly and safely. I only figured out one mutha of a rope puzzle because a freshman guy talked me through it after figuring it out himself.

In fact, when we were are preparing to go up onto the course, there were two pretty freaked out girls. Another adult leader decided to be one's "Climbing buddy." I volunteered to be Andrea's buddy. As we got set to go up, I made a deal with Andrea--she could pick whatever elements we did and I would do them first. The catch? She'd then have to do it. And so, all day, we went around the ropes course together. I'd figure out how to do the crazy pulley cart, and then talk her through it. I'd walk the log. And then she would. I'd make the crazy jump and then she would. I'd coach her on and be a cheerleader.

The funny thing is that while I was so busy coaching Andrea on, I didn't realize all the elements I was conquering. I did stuff that I never would have on my own. If I'd not been Andrea's "Climbing Buddy," I would have just turned around at that jump platform. I wouldn't have done that mutha of a rope puzzle. But, I wanted to show her they could be done. I was so focused on showing her an example, that I just did it. I was busy being a big brother and didn't realize how I was growing.

This experience just reminded me again how God doesn't just call us to service to get the work done. Or even to just change others' lives. He does it because he knows service and leadership changes us too.

It's the End. Grab your Tekla!

This week was the 20th anniversary of the Chernobyl disaster. A co-worker came into our staff meeting on Wednesday and mentioned how she'd been reflecting on this horrible and sad nuclear accident. One thing it made her think about was what she'll do when a worldwide nuclear holocaust occurs and changes civilization as we know it. At this point, I had to speak up. I have a plan. And I want you to all know it so you can join me.

In college, my roommates Jeff, Adam and I would discuss our plans for when tragedy strikes and the handful of Earth's survivors are sent back to a primitive, tribal, every-man-for-himself, Mad-Max-kind-of world. Jeff, a native Nebraskan is headed back to Lincoln to set up residence in the massive Nebraska state capitol. And Adam is going to horde needed materials--like spoons--to become a wealthy baron. (Seriously, when the world is without spoons and all you have is canned foods and portable jello cups, all eyes will turn to Adam.)

I am not economically minded like Adam. And I am not going to try to traverse the nuclear wasteland of the Midwest just to get to Nebraska. I'm moving into the IKEA. Oh yes.

This is where I will establish a new society. Think about it. There are hundreds of already furnished rooms. You just need to add a wall to one side (or even just a partition perhaps) and you are set. We'll have all the building supplies (and fine cheap furniture) we need--and they all require only one tool. (Oh, and this is how I will be the ruler. I will destroy all of those little Ikea wrenches but one. You'll need me.)

We'll have swedish meatballs and other fine cuisine to last us months before we get our hunting party up and running. The IKEA I have in mind (in Schaumburg, Illinois) will also provide ample security. It's located in a commercial district with a lot of flat ground (parking lots) surrounding it. With sentries posted on the high roof, we will see Post-Apocalypse Pirates and Biker Gangs coming for miles. Another advantage: My IKEA Commune will sit right on major highways so that when we find an alternative fuel source, we can easily move about the landscape (and perhaps open up trade routes to the Nebraska contingent).

The one downside could be the way language will change in our new society. True, this will take a generation or two. But eventually, we will lose our fine English language be replaced by a strange cross between Scandavian and English (Engandavian? Scandlish?). It will sound something like this: "Have you seen my Mysa Moln? I swear I left it on my Kongsvig, but maybe it's in the Hemnes with the Gosa Krama."

PTOIT Quotes of the Week:

"I woke up one morning and the gods of rock & roll had
bestowed this mustache upon me; it's a soft boomerang of love."
-Jesse "Boots Electric" Hughes (right) of the band The Eagles of Death Metal talking to Entertainment Weekly about his mustache.

"It takes guts to be the rock & roll Tom Selleck. A 'stache is shaped like half of a Y. It says 'Yes!' I tell Jesse he's like Freddie Mercury's straight nephew."
- Josh Homme of the band The Eagles of Death Metal talking to Entertainment Weekly about Jesse's mustache.

"Do you think if you eat skunk, your farts smell worse?"
-My friend Josh, just because he's Josh.

"It's like I am wearing a napkin."
- My friend Marc, about his new linen shirt.

"It just goes to show you, you never know where you will find a little piece of Todd."
-Josh again, this time talking about finding an article I wrote posted up in some random church in Minnesota.

Sitting on Money

I got the truck back last night. The door is securely attached. The radio works. And, just in general, it runs better. The best news: It turned out to be about $250 less than the estimate. Whoo. I think it was my intimidating presence that made them know they couldn't mess with me. Okay, stop laughing.

But maybe I was a little surly because my free bag of Chai ran out. Ya, it has been a rough couple of days. Lots of shaking. Some sweating. Sure, I could go buy more (think how much Chai I could have bought with that $800 I spent on my truck!). But I am 1) short on expendable cash and 2) cheap. Wait, I shouldn't say cheap. No. I am fiscally careful.

Some of my fiscal consciousness is necessary because I have the double whammy of working as a 1) journalist for a 2) non-for-profit company. But my thriftiness is also a personality trait. On my second birthday, I got some cash in my birthday cards and mom and grandma tried to collect it. Oh no. I took those bills and I sat on them. Oh ya, try and get it now.

Seriously, I think this is why I don't smoke or do drugs. I just couldn't afford that or allow myself such excessive expenditures.

My Truck

I drive a 2000 pickup truck (see right). It's a good little vehicle. I've had very little trouble with it. But being 6 years old, it's time (or is past time) for some maintainence and various wear fixes. It all started when I noticed the molding on the door was apparently unsealing because I'd hear wind getting in and it'd leak during rains. But I put that off.

Then, the truck started stuttering a bit when I turned the key. So, I replaced the battery. This caused more problems. My truck has a TheftLock system that locks the radio if power is cut to it. Without the code, it means you can't use the radio at all. So I have been driving around with no radio for two weeks. Good times. But it did mean that I got to call lots of people back while driving here and there. So that's good.

I considered just getting a small battery-run radio to sit on the passenger seat instead of taking the truck in to be looked at--but I figured that the door needed to get looked at anyway. And after 80,000 miles it was time for a good check-up. Well, that was a very stupid idea. Now, I am sitting here with my truck in a shop getting approx. $1,000 of fixes. I need the transmission flushed (when the fluid is dark black instead of pink you know it's bad) and several other systems looked at and cleaned. And the door? Well, it wasn't the molding. It is falling off. I kinda should have seen that coming. It hasn't been closing well and does dip a bit when I open it...

So yah, this is all necessary. And I guess it's all really an investment in a good vehicle. But still. That's $1,000. With that much money, I could buy:

1 Used car
95 White Sox Upper Deck tickets
83 Previously Viewed DVDs
5,000 Wendy's Chicken Nuggets
77 Bobbleheads
1 Kid's U.S. Citzenship. Oh, nevermind.
Lots of good crime scene evidence
1667 3 Musketeer Candy Bars
62 T-shirts such as this
50 Raffle Tickets to win a White Sox World Series Ring
1 Ice Cream Sundae

The 14th Inning Man

I found this interesting. After Geoff Blum won that World Series game for the White Sox last year with a homer in the 14th inning, broadcaster Ed Farmer called him "The 14th Inning Man." Well, Geoff's with the Padres this season.

But I guess he is still the 14th Inning Man. He hadn't gotten a hit after that game-winning homerun until the 14th game of this season...in the 14th inning. He hit a single and then scored the winning run. I guess he does his thing well, but talk about a very narrow niche.

Chicken Popsicles and Lacey Underwear

On Saturday night, I hosted a bunch of people at The Estate for some fun, frivolity and food. It was a party for two friends: Rubino who was recently married and Doug who became a dad for the first time. If they were women, they would have been thrown showers. But because they are men, they got the manly equivalent: A Storm.

What makes a storm different? Well, the decorations included black streamers and lightning bolts (which are still hanging from my ceiling. I'll post when they actually get taken down. I'm betting it will be awhile). We also ate pizza from the delivery box and beverages straight from the can. Drinks were kept cold in a giant R2-D2 cooler. And the party was held a very long time after both events (Doug's daughter drove herself to the party). The only thing that would have made The Storm more manly would have been large quantities of meat. And perhaps some violence.

We also didn't play any Lady Games like at showers. Instead, we broke out the traditional games of The Estate: Scene-It and Pictionary. I want to share Saturday night's best Pictionary drawings. One great moment (with no photo to share for it) was when I was supposed to draw "Poultry." I drew a chicken and then drew what I meant to be a drumstick. But apparently, it wasn't very well done because Rubino saw it and guessed, "Chicken popsicle?"

So you may be asking, why is there no picture of that one? Well, because after Rubino's guess, I scratched it out to the point that it is now just a black splotch.

And now on to the drawings from Saturday that are still in existence. The first (at left) was drawn by Dale during an "All Play." One guess from our team was, "Oklahoma." But it is not Oklahoma. It is "Money."

The other great drawing from the night is below. It produced guesses of "Bee," "Mosquito," and "Dead Snowman."

After Marc crossed off this drawing (because of the Dead Snowman guess, I think), he made a second attempt that lost the candy cane headdress and gained a long black goatee. From that, we successfully guessed that it was a goat.

Both of these drawings have been entered into my Pictionary Hall of Fame, a collection proudly displayed on my fridge. Sadly, the Greatest Pictionary Drawing of All Time is no longer in the Hall of Fame. I am unsure where it went. But I can try to explain its greatness. During an "All Play," Charissa drew three stick figures. Two were the same size and a third, in the middle, was very short. I assumed this was a family. I guessed, "Parents" and "Baby." But then, Charissa gave the baby a gun. Well, that didn't help us guess the correct answer so Charissa started a new image. This one appeared to be an ocean liner, complete with the four smoke stacks on top.

It turns out that the word was "posse." The Stick Family was supposed to be a posse (with a very short leader) and the ocean liner was actually a dead possum lying with his four legs sticking straight in the air. Apparently, we were supposed to guess possum and then make the connection to "posse."

I thought I would share some of the other distinquished drawings of lore in the Hall of Fame:

You may be surprised that both of these drawings are from the same "All Play" round. But they are. You can tell from the top image (drawn by Holly) that this is a beaver because of her arrows denoting the buck teeth and flat tail. The bottom image by Gene, however, seems to be a sketching of the rare Beaver Turkey.

The next two are for the word "hiccup."

Yah, I can't even begin to explain either of those. I have no idea. But I can try and explain the next one because I drew it. Here it goes:

As you can plainly tell from the repeated circles and the arrow, the focus here is the stomach of this no-eyed, T-shirt-wearing bear. The word was "Tummy." But there are many mysteries here: Why do I assume bears like cookies? Why is he wearing a collared T-shirt? And why a bear at all? I don't know. But I think Winnie the Pooh is to blame. He is what I think of when I think of the word "Tummy" but now I am not sure why. I also am not sure why I gave this bear a belly button.

Speaking of strange connections, I guess that whenever my friend Josh thinks of "Lace" he somehow thinks of lacey underwear (and people with three arms): I'll end today's gallery tour with this picture from Becky, Charissa's old roommate:

As Becky was drawing this picture, our team guessed "Elephant", "Tusk", "Mammoth," etc... None of them were right. I looked over to the other team and saw they were drawing plant-like things. It turns out the word was "Ivy," not "Ivory."

"Todd has Dysentery."

Yesterday at about 10 a.m., I started not feeling well. It came on quickly. When I got to work, I was fine. I was having a good healthy morning, and then--BLAM--I felt blah, was coughing and had what I like to describe as a "foggy head".

At about this time, I was searching online and saw yet another story about the Mumps epidemic here in Illinois. So, I found a list of syptoms for Mumps. Fever? "Not sure. No thermometer." Headache? "Not really...oh wait... now that you mention it...." Then I started feeling my salivary glands. Granted, I am not really sure where those are, but I thought I felt some swelling in my neck. By 11, I was fairly convinced I had Mumps.

When I mentioned to my boss that I wasn't feeling well, he said, "Well, did you go take something?" This question seems logical. Sure, if you are not feeling well, then go take cough medicine, or aspirin, or sinus decongestant. But not me. Instead of medicating, the first thing I do when I feel ill is to begin diagnosing and speculating about my illness. Some may call this being a hypochondriac. I call it being proactive about my health.

My pursuit of self-diagnosis is aided by those home self-care books that list symptoms to help you figure out what you may have and when you should see a doctor. About a month ago, I had a burning sensation on the top of my scalp. I got out my handy book and read a lot about cancer and other skin diseases. It turns out that I just wasn't using a good shampoo.

During the burning scalp incident, I called my Mom and told her that I had my home self-care book out. I remember she just said, "Oh no." My sister Michelle has threatened to remove it from my house. But I just can't help it. Seeing all those symtoms and scary illnesses in black and white gets me quite afraid. I assume the worst. It's kinda like if you think about bugs really hard, you start "feeling" one crawling up your leg. Well for me it, I read about tubercolosis and spastic colon and start thinking, "Oh no, I kinda feel that..."

This leads me to kind of overexaggerate my illnesses. I've claimed to have mono (multiple times), malaria, scarlet fever, dysentery, and diptheria. My sister likes to say that I've had every disease on the Oregon Trail. And yes, maybe the hours upon hours spent on that game has colored my self-diagnosis a bit. But that makes my illnesses no less real.

My family counters this claim by saying that if I have had all of these diseases, I wouldn't still be around. I say that I just have a really good immune system. I can overcome mono with a good night's sleep and bounce back from malaria in a couple hours. A week tops. Let's see those Oregon Trail animated charaters do that.

Update: For a full chronicle of my medical history, please see the comments page for a wonderful post from RJCraig.

You're such a good reader! Yes you are!

This is Lydia. Lydia is a baby. And an adorable one at that. Because of that, she is a force to be reckoned with when she comes to your office. Yesterday, the productivity level of the second floor of our office dipped by 35.8 percent when Lydia came for the day with her mom, Esther.

As Esther got some work done, normally respectable professionals put on shows, talked in baby voices, pretended to be very entertained by simple toys and balls, and even made a stuffed warthog dance (yah, I'm basically describing me here). There is just something about babies that changes ya. There's something that doesn't let you just walk by without at least one glance, tickle or attempt to make them smile. I know this for a fact (hence the warthog dance--which did, yes, create many giggles).

For a little while, Lydia set up camp on a little playmat outside my door and I got to watch everyone walk by her and interact with her. It got me thinking about how we will give so much attention to babies, but pass by each other in the hall without a glance once we're grown up. Why doesn't anyone walk by my office and say, "You are so big, yes you are! You are doing so good! Yes you are!" Why don't people walk by me and try to make me smile with funny faces or tickles?

Hmmm, I am not advocating that. I'm just saying.

Requiem for a Chai Dream

It's been a long weekend. I've missed the office. I am so glad to be back. You may think I am being sarcastic. But I am not. I love my job. But that's not why I am glad to be back. I am glad to be back becuase my stash is here.

My stash? Well, let me explain. I have been hooked on a new drug: Chai Tea. You know how dealers always give you your first taste free? Well, when I was in Nashville, a coffee company gave me two free bags: one coffee, one something called Chai. When I tried to give them away (I don't drink coffee), my friend Doug F. said, "This one isn't Coffee. But I think you'd like it."

This comment began a downward spiral. Doug suggested Chai to me because I like tea and hot cocoa. Chai is like God himself took hot cocoa and tea and combined them with a sprinkling of heaven itself. And then, dumped half of the world's sugar into it.

I am so addicted to Chai now. When I was spooning it into my mug last Thursday, my hand was actually shaking in excitement and because it'd been about 16 hours since I'd had a fix. This morning, I got my hot water and turned to my shelf where I keep my Chai. The bag was gone. I freaked out. I assumed someone stole it. I was ready to knife someone.

It turns out I put it on the shelf below.

I am worried today because my first Chai bag is almost out. What will I then do? How will I support my habit? I am considering crime.

Lightning Round!

Today on PTOIT... I find I have lots of things to write about today. So I offer you a lightning round of issues:

Item: Today's Christian ran a recent excerpt from the book I co-wrote, The unGuide to Dating. The article was pulled from our chapter about the lack of committed, active single men in the church. In it, I say that while this apparent trend is bad for the whole dating equation (less men = more women without men), the far more important issue is the state of our faith. Why aren't men in church? What does this say aobut our faiths? And our churches?

The article seemed to have struck a chord. We've gotten a ton of letters about it. But of them all, this one is my favorite. A man wrote:

"Todd says that 'Each of us men needs to focus on strengthening our walks, finding a mentor and/or a protege, and becoming active in he local church.' Uhh, Todd perhaps you should also focus on FINDING A WIFE?"

Really? That would help strengthen my faith? That would get more men in the church? I think the best part of this e-mail is the notion that I haven't thought of that. "Wait a minute. A wife? Hmmm. Maybe I will start looking for one of those soon...Right after this episode of Deal or No Deal..."

Item: Here's an amazing British news story entitled, "Second World War Secret Weapon: The Lowly Prune." This is not news to me. I have always viewed the prune as a weapon. To my digestive tract.

Item: "The Dreamer" made a good point in the comments to yesterday's blog. She mentioned that being a White Sox fan this year means putting up with a lot of people saying, "You aren't the champs anymore. That was LAST year." I have faced this too and I think that is said due to a lack of understanding why I bring up the championship so much.

I know it doesn't mean anything for our chances this year. I know it doesn't make us any better than anyone else this season. I know it is in the past. But the point is: I still HAVE that. That can't be lost. No one can beat us enough that it goes away. No one can catch up and steal it. It is ours forever. And that gives me a comfort with my team I haven't before experienced. They could never win another game, and I have that. I am like the Virgin Mary--I will hold those memories and ponder them in my heart. Forever. (And somewhere Kanye is saying, "Forever-ever? Forever-ever? ")

Item: Not long ago, Doug and Marc and I were hanging out when they brought up reading "Pa-toyt." It took me a minute to realize that they were talking about this blog. Sure, I often call it PTOIT (Putting the Odd in Todd) but I hadn't heard it said aloud. I was like, "Huh. That sounds cool." But since then, I've had a new idea. I think that the proper pronunciation will now be the French version: "Puh-Twaa." Why? Becuase it is more pretentious and snooty.

Item: As I read this news story, I just feel bad for the other Jon Stewart. Here you get all excited because someone wants you to speak for their group and then, all of a sudden, not only do they cancel but they act like it's a big crisis that you are the one they signed. Hang tough, Other Jon Stewart. Hang tough.

Item: Happy Easter. May God use this holiday to bring you closer to him.

Special Feature: Quotes of the Week

"I think I liked you better when you just hit people with your stick." --Lost's Bernard to Mr. Eko.

"I like you the way you are." -Charlie to Mr. Eko.

"I don't have any crazy testimony stories where I shot a guy in Mexico or got a tattoo on my back." -Christian singer/songwriter Jadon Lavik

"Jamie Foxx used to live behind me. The sounds coming from his house were much different than the sounds coming out of mine. Ervery other night, I could hear a DJ from a party he was having. At my house, there was an ambulance siren and some kid chasing another kid with poop." -Ray Romano, in EW's Stupid Questions.

The White Sox Express: Slow Out of the Station?

I have noticed something intriguing this baseball season. And maybe it happens every year. Or maybe it is more noticable to me because I've never been the fan of a champion baseball team. But it seems to me that a lot of people are letting a few baseball games carry a lot of weight. I can't tell you how many people have asked me what is wrong with my White Sox. Or worried about our chances to repeat. Or complained about their own team so early on. Or gloated because there team has a better record than the defending champs. This seems odd to me. There have been 8 games.

Now, I am no scientist, but it doesn't make sense to me to project how the whole season will go based on less than ten games. I had a Detroit Tigers fan e-mailing me early this week with much gloating about his team sitting at 5-1. Well, that's great but I don't care how they are doing after 6 games. Talk to me after 162. Or even 60. Give me a better research sample here. I am betting the Tigers will not win 135 games this season (which is what their 5-1 pace indicated). In fact, going by only the current numbers, this is what we could all expect this year:

Detroit's Jeremy Bonderman getting 326 strikeouts.
Atlanta's Oscar Villarreal winning 60 games.
Cleveland winning 135 games
The Phillies winning 23 games.
Bronson Arroyo hitting more than 30 homeruns.
Jim Thome belting 100-plus homeruns (this one might actually happen...)

The thing about making too much of stats right now is that every team will have a 5-1 stretch this season. But because it comes in the first 6 games, we get excited? Every team will lose 4 of 6 games this season. But because a team starts the season with that run, it means a team is worthless? No. That's why I scoffed when the Chicago Sun-Times last weekend ran the headline "From First to Worse" about the Sox. After 6 games. And while I wasn't exactly pleased that the Royals beat the Sox twice already, I had to stop and think "Well, they are bound to get two wins from us this season...that may be it." (Of course, the other thought is that maybe the Royals are just THAT good...but, of course, that is just lunacy.)

You just can't tell from less than 25 games how a team will do because the baseball season is long and unpredicatble. In fact, National League Central fans may be worried right now about the three teams tied at 5-2. But I'd be worried about the Pirates. The last time they started 0-6, they won the World Series. The beautiful thing about baseball is that anything can happen.

So, am I saying that you can't tell anything from the first couple of weeks of the season? That nothing should bother you or excite you? Heck no. There are individual performances right now to take note of--either good or bad--and look for trends. For instance, Ozzie Guillen is playing two bench guys an awful lot already. That could be a worrisome precedent. Jim Thome is hitting a homer almost every game. That's exciting. And Scott Podesednick is looking to still be hurting. That could be bad. These are indicators to take note of.

But letting the Milwaukee Brewers and Detroit Tigers just play out the World Series now is not quite the way to go.

Sweaty Manhood

Last night, my friend Charissa and I caught the Tooth & Nail Tour at the Metro in Chicago. The standouts were of course the co-headliners Anberlin and Emery, but newcomer The Classic Crime was a pleasant surprise. Anberlin is much heavier live than on their albums--which Charissa and I agree is a good thing. They rocked--and had a great presence thanks to the lead singer's out of control hair and a fantastic light show. To me, they stole the show. It was one of those great sing-along rock events.

What Emery brought to the table was lots of screaming and a keyboardist who did not play the keyboard--but instead alternately did funky mime dances and beat himself upon the keyboard stands repeatedly and aggressively. He also screamed a lot. I maintain that not just anyone can scream in rock--but it takes a special voice and this guy had it. Well done, Dancing Pseudo-Keyboarder Guy. Well done.

The Classic Crime had a great sound, stage presence and most importantly, back flips. I am considering writing a thesis paper on the importance of gymnastics to good rock. That theory is still in development. But in the meantime, I will say the concert was good times and my ears are still buzzing.

One thing that defined the night was the energy, aggression, and well, stupidity, of being young. By the end of Emery, most of the floor had become a massive revovling and pulsating punk dance circle. Guys were throwing their bodies at each, pushing one another into crowds, dancing and shaking violently and being knocked to the ground. It was a classic punk rawk scene. But with a slight difference. Because a good portion of the crowd seemed to be Christian kids, the moshing would be followed by hugging and congratulations on good moves and hits.

Now, maybe I've read too much Eldridge but as I watched this last night, I for the first time saw this common concert scene as not just a dumb youth aggression thing--but as a desperate attempt to return to manhood. These guys had their shirts off, were beating their own bodies, were yelling and screaming. They were showing their vitality and energy. They were being aggressive and primal. They were letting the beats move them and control them. I felt like I was watching some ancient tribal ritual.

And as much as I tried to stop her, yes, it was Charissa who started it all.

Added note: If you go to that Anberlin link above, watch that statue head. Dang, that is freaky. Yet, I cannot avert my eyes...

Dream Log!

(This dream comes from April 5, 2005)
I'm in a large banquet room with strange orange decor. The room is filled with round tables at which many old men sit. It's a funeral or memorial service for the Pope. As I eat my meal, an older priest approaches me and asks me to do a reading in the service. I agree. When the meal is over, I am summoned to the lecturn and begin to read the book the priest hands me. That's when I realize that I don't know Polish. The whole reading is in Polish. I then wish I would have prepared more for the reading. Instead, I just start sounding out the words. I pretend that I know what I am saying. As I go, I begin to understand the words. In fact, the words turn to English as I instantly teach myself Polish.

The ABCs of GMA

I got back from Nashville on Wednesday. Why was I there? Well, I flew out last Sunday to attend Gospel Music Week (GMA) for work. GMA Week is when radio people, print journalists, music business folk and artists all descend on poor unsuspecting Nashville for networking, self-congratulations, schmoozing, and lots of barbeque and grits (and GRITS). The week is full of concerts, seminars and ends with the GMA Awards.

Because the magazine I work for is a teen publication, we do a lot with Christian bands. GMA is a chance for me to get all of my interviews done for the year. So here's the ABCs of my trip:

A - Acoustic sets by Third Day, Warren Barfield, Bebo Norman and Cindy Morgan in the big glass pyramid-thingy above highlighted my Sunday night.

B - Backstreet Boy! That's right, I can check off #476 on the Todd "Things to do Before Death" list because I met a Backstreet Boy. Brian Littrell was one of my interviews for the magazine.

C - Crowder--as in David Crowder (pictured on right)--rocked the annual Sunday Night Worship service alongside fellow worship leaders Charlie Hall and Chris Tomlin. His hair rocks everyday.

D - Dang, 26 letters is a lot to go through.

E- Elevator games. The highlight of GMA week is spotting Christian "celebrities". Because of this, my favorite part of the week is getting onto the very busy elevators and playing "Who Is In This Elevator?" This week, the best elevator ride was with the entire band Hawk Nelson and Chris Tomlin. At one point, Jason, the singer of Hawk, turned to Tomlin and sincerly said, "I'm sorry, who are you?" When Tomlin answered, Jason turned bright red and began bowing in honor.

F - Family Force 5. Saw them live again on Monday night. Look out for these guys. They are incredible. I first saw them last year at GMA. They blew away an unsuspecting crowd. This year, the line was around the block for them. And then the club emptied when they were done. They are my faves.

G - Good food. The good part of GMA? Lots of yummy food. The best part? It is free. I only paid for one meal I ate between Sunday and Wednesday. I also got to sample yummy things like froo-froo deserts and bagels and cream cheese with salmon on them. Of course, none of these treats quite live up to The Holy Chocolate Fountain of last year...

H - Hugging Hawk Nelson. If only I'd hugged a Backstreet Boy. That would have been #518 on the list.

I - Insulting Charlie Hall. It was an accident, but it probbaly sounded like I slandered poor Charlie Hall. I didn't realize I was interviewing him and when I saw it written down on a publicist's schedule sheet--and knowing I wasn't prepared--I let out a very loud groan that probably sounded like I didn't want to talk to him. The interview was great tho.

J - Jars of Clay played an acoustic show at a very small club with Leigh Nash of Sixpence None the Richer fame. It was too short but cool. Leigh's new solo stuff is very cool--and Jars is currently in the studio recording a rock album. Yes, rock. Oh, and they served free wine.

K - Krystal Meyers-less dinner. So Tuesday night at GMA is always a special treat. The Provident label group hosts a Media Appreciation dinner where all of us media sit at table with the various artists signed onto Provident. I sat at a table with reservation cards for Jars of Clay singer Dan Hasseltine and new Avril-like artist Krystal Meyers. Due to sound checks, Krystal never showed. So I drank her tea.

L- Leaving Early. I left on a very early flight Wednesday (and missing the GMA Awards) for a darn good reason--to get to the White Sox homegame and get my own World Series Trophy replica. We did lose, but you still can't take my trophy away.

M - Mandolin, Mandolin, Mandolin! Thanks to new recording artist Josh Bates, I saw my first ever concert of live Mandolin. That # 333 on the ole' list...

N - Nice way to start the day. On Monday morning, I ate breakfast with Rebecca St. James and Vicki Beeching. More free eggs.

O- Organ Donation. While interviewing The Afters, I got this exclusive glimpse into their relationship:

Marc: Matt got really sick and I volunteered to donate my kidney to him. So now he is walking around with one of my kidneys. And Josh now is actually having surgery tomorrow to give a quarter of his liver to him.

Brad: I transferred half of my stomach to Matt because he needed a stomach half.

Marc: This is actually a glass eye. Matt couldn't afford contacts anymore, so I gave him my eye.

p - Pushy managers. For the second year in a row, I had a band's manager dictate an interview. Publicists (who set up the interviews for me) hate this. This year, a manager told me, "You better keep this short. We don't have much time." I said, "Well, how long do I have?" He looked at me and said, "I'll tell you when you are done." Now, I am supposed to have 30 minutes with this artist and have questions to fill that time, so I say, "Could you tell me now so I have an idea?" And he did and we were OK from there.

Q - Quantity. I did about 20 interviews.

R - Robots, ninjas and pirates. These are things all boys love and the things that I discussed with Family Force 5 in my interview with them. That and the old PUSA "Peaches" video. If we would have talked about monkeys, then I could die peacefully.

S - Stormy nights. I have always liked storms. So sitting in the Glassy Pyramid (above) on stormy Sunday night watching the acoustic show was neat--you could see the rain splattering on the glass and the lightning filling the sky all around you. The only trouble was...

T- Tornados in the area. This is when being in a 3-story glass pryamid is no longer such a hot idea.

U- Univision. I have been noticing a lot of people with eyepatches lately. I guess it is not something easy to miss, but I spotted two different people wearing eyepatches at GMA. What's the odds of that? The thing is they weren't like white-medical-gauze-eyepatches. They were black-pirate-eyepatches. Weird. I am kind of afraid they are following me.

V- Very good 2006 albums already: Hawk Nelson, Warren Barfield, The Lonely Hearts, Pettidee, The Listening and Family Force 5.

W - Wow, I am finally almost done.

X- Xylophones. An actual topic on conversation with Dan Hasseltine of Jars of Clay. I can't remember why...

Y- Year's Best? New bands to look for this year: Family Force 5, DecembeRadio, Decypher Down, and Leeland. Good stuff.

Z- ZOEgirl. Not seen this year.