The Monkey Writes!

When we last left Purple Fez Monkey, he had just left home to find his brother Red Fez Monkey, who disappeared from their home in my office. And now, a letter arives from the brave adventurer...

Dear Todd,

My journeys have taken me so far from home. I have seen so much.

I received your telegram about the news you received at Christmas. I am as surprised as you are that Red Fez got ahold of you. And more surprised that he's a cross stitch model. Still, I am more surprised that the cross-stitch artist left out his fez when making that picture. Weird.

Anyway, I am glad to hear that Red Fez is safe. But I will not end my quest. I want to see him and make sure he is OK. For all we know he could be kidnapped and forced to write what he did in your Christmas gift. We just don't know, Todd. And so I will continue my search.

When you last heard from me, I was in a land called Missouri. I sailed North on a great river to a Kingdom they call Iowa. I said to a man, "Is this heaven?" And he said, "No, this is Iowa." And then he said, "Whoa. Talking monkey!"

Anyway, I then continued to sail North. After many nights, I reached some great lakes and made my way to ocean. When I got the news from you I was in London (see me with Big Ben?).





I took all my London photos in black and white because they look more dramatic. The funniest thing happened in London. I met a man named H.G. who owned a time machine. Don't believe me? Look at this picture--it's me with the London Bridge in the 1800s! Pretty cool, huh?

Anyway, upon hearing that Red Fez is now a model, I have chosen to return to the U.S. of A. I am told that many models come to New York. So here I am to find my brother. As I write this, I have just arrived to this great city. See me here at dawn standing on the Brooklyn Bridge?

Well, I will continue my journey. And I will find Red Fez.

Your Friend and Mine,
-Purple Fez Monkey

Quotes of the Week

''It was only about halfway through shooting Gideon's Daughter that my costar realized that I wasn't the science guy. I've disappointed a lot of small children over the years. When my daughter first started school they wanted to meet Bill Nye, the Science Guy until they actually realized I was the other Bill. I have never actually met him. I don't know if we resemble each other.'' - Bill Nighy, the actor. Not the science guy.

"OK, to be fair, the contest rules state that the Golden Nacho Awards are 'to honor the movies that moved us, inspired us, and made us think about God this year.' Maybe they were all thinking, 'Lord, please make this movie end now!' Technically, they were thinking about God in that moment" -Marc, about why people are voting for Eragon in our magazine's movie awards.

Matt and Charissa Update

We haven't heard from the Matt-Charissa Connection Campaign in a long time. The Matt-Charissa Connection Campaign was my effort to get my friend Charissa the chance to meet Matt Thiessen, singer of Relient K. There's not much to update actually. Matt and Charissa have yet to meet.

The Matt-Charissa Connection Campaign had comprised of photos showing how happy Matt and Charissa would be upon meeting. Unfortunately, no new photos have been produced. Instead, Charissa has created two short videos documenting her quest to meet Matt. I mentioned the first animated film a long time ago but I am not sure I ever mentioned the exciting sequel. 24 fans take note.

The only brand new development is that I mentioned the videos to a person who works closely with Relient K, but I've heard nothing back. They may be seeking a restraining order.

In related news, Charissa is actually working on a new animated movie. This one is about the band Family Force 5. I have seen some early previews and, folks, this is fantastic. Here's just a taste:

Put on Your Meat Pajamas. It's Time to Rock.

My Top 30 Band Names

I have very little musical talent, but I've always wanted a band. I don't want to be in a band to be famous or get the chicks--or even play music. Instead, my motivation was always very simple: to get to name the band and design the cover art. Seriously. That's the fun part. I remember being a high school freshman and wanting to name a band Quantum. I even had drawings of how it would look.

So, at work, Designer Doug and I have long kept a list of names we'd name a band if we had one. Here's my current favorite 30:

30. Trucktober! - This would be a really hard rockin' rockabilly band.
29. Pegleg Peggy
28. Soup or Samurai
27. Meat Spindle
26. Olives on my Mind
25. Diehard Dairy
24. Ground Chuck D
23. Baking in Boxers
22. Extorting the Monkey - The Future Mother-in-Law gave me this little plastic Monkey head that holds change. So when you press his cheeks to get coins, I like to say you are Extorting the Monkey.
21. Barfight Burrito - This one comes from Designer Doug. He likes alliteration and burritos.
20. Homemade Minions
19. Scottish & Sassy
18. Last Night's Taco
17. Atomic Asparagus
16. Celebrity Knifefight
15. Showers of Blech
14. Ghostlimb Gary - This one comes from Designer Doug. He likes alliteration and the idea of ghost limbs.
13. Camp for Cavemen
12. Kamikaze Kitchen
11. Zombie Monkey Love
10. Truckosaurus
9. Meat Pajamas
8. Moose Puppet
7. Spinning Meat Wheel
6. Government Cheese
5. Bowlful of Cowboys - I have an M&M candy dish in my office. To prevent me from eating way too many M&Ms, I've now filled it with plastic cowboys.
4. Cornelius Oregon and the Wafers - For our magazine, I once worked with a camp in a town called Cornelius, Oregon, and decided it would be the best stage name for me ever.
3. Naked For Peanut Butter - I've talked about this as a band name for a long time--ever since the famous Survivor incident.
2. Tickle-Me-Tony
1. Zombie Gargoyles & The Girl of my Dreams - The origin is best explained here.

WEDDING WEDNESDAY
The Intended and I are very formal people. Here are excerpts from e-mails this week concerning my attendance at her wedding showers:

From Me:
Todd's Official Shower Stance: I will do what my future bride would like me to do. If you'd like me to be at showers, I am there. If you don't care, then I will gladly take my leave and let you girls do your thing. And I am more than happy to show up at the end, help with clean up, say hello to the ladies and help bring home gifts.

From Her:
Official Shower Decree: I hereby claim Todd exempt from sitting with a bunch of goofy women while opening presents and getting high on sugary cake. This shall be upheld as long as he is able and available to help transport gifts from the aforementioned events.

Thank God for Cheesy Poofs And Buffy And Pirates...

I haven't been doing so hot on getting my devotions or Bible readings done lately. But this morning, I whipped out an old copy of Men of Integrity to do a devotion. As iIread, I found myself disagreeing with one small, unintentional message of the writing. But it led to some neat thoughts about God.

The idea was the devotion writer had once felt challenged by a speaker who suggested the congregation begin each day by thanking God for 25 things. I have no beef with this idea. Good stuff--all to often I focus on what I don't have, not what I do. To oftern, I get busy asking and not busy appreciating. I even did this today and it really made me praise God for the way he provides and realize yet again that God is worthy of praise regardless of what I have or what I think I need.

But then, I hit the part that got me thinking. The writer said, "I really tried to be sincere, but on some days I would get desperate and I would find myself thanking God for The Tonight Show or the Endangered Species Act or a good burp. "

Hmmmm. I guess the implied idea here that bugged me was that some things are worthy of being thanked for and others aren't. I've been known to lead group prayers with my friends and thank God for bowling or the White Sox or fondue. And you know, I mean those prayers serisouly. I think whatever we find joy in, whatever God uses to bring us closer to him or each other should be lifted up as worship.

Shouldn't God be acknowledged for giving some senator the love of nature to endorse the Endangered Species Act? Why should I thank God for my paycheck, but not for a movie that made me laugh really hard? Or the joy he allows me to find in silly things like watching baseball or managing a fantasy football team? If bowling allows my friends and I to enjoy one another, why not lift that up as a blessing? One of my pet peeves is people who burp loudly in public--but, hey, I know the joy and release that comes from a good one. Thank God invented that, huh? Otherwise, we might explode.

All truth is God's truth. All that is good comes from God. No, I don't think that God invented bowling or wrote The Tonight Show, but he invented the people who did. He wired me to want to see stories told via movies. He built me to like the joy and competition of being a sports fan. To enjoy these things is to be who he created me to be. So that's whay I will thank God for the using even the silly things in my life. That's why I will thank God for bean bag chairs, action figures and monkeys.

Good Morning, Jazz Bears!

I don't feel well this morning. And I blame the Bears.

I have a headache, my throat is scratchy, I can barely talk and my ears hurt. I kinda feel like I have a hangover. At first I thought it was the beginning of a cold. But now, I am prety sure it's because of the Bears.

Because the game was at noon, I decided to just go to Buffalo Wild Wings right after church to watch--that way I could watch the whole game on a good screen and still be at youth group on time. Since I live 30 minutes from church it didn't make sense to go home.

I had fun watching the game. Since I was by myself, I got a great seat at the bar in front of the jumbo screen. I had some tasty Spicy Garlic wings. The crowd was insane and into the game. I've never watched a football game in a bar, so it was a neat experience. However, there are unexpected health effects.

That room was without a doubt the loudest room I have ever been in. When Devin Hester made his ill-fated run back and when Robbie Gould kicked the game-winner, the bar was so loud, my ears still hurt. I've been to a lot of concerts--and stood close--but never have my ears been this affected my loudness. But I am not blameless in the contribution of noise. I yelled a lot. And so--along with the heavy fog of smoke hanging in the place--my throat is shot.

But hey, you can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs. I am happy to take this pain for the team.

In related news, my office Fantasy Football Team won this weekend. That means that next week I will play in my first Fantasy Super Bowl ever. I am excited about it. I am dreading the draft though because there just aren't many sure-bet players right now because of tough defenses and offenses that spread the ball out.

DREAM LOG

(1/11/07)

I was at a junior high lock-in on Christmas Eve. We woke up on Christmas morning and I walked out into a hallway to see three young girls sneaking down the hallway. I asked them what they were doing. The oldest one, who was obviously the leader, turned to me and put her finger to her lips and motioned for me to follow. We sneaked down the hall and into a classroom where a young boy was alseep under a pile of blankets on a huge round cushion.

All the girls surrounded the sleeping boy. All at once, they jumped up and down and the leader yelled, "Good Morning, Jazz Puppy!"

The boy woke up. Calmly and slwoly he stood up, wearing a tux, and said to me: "Last week she made me be a Jazz Buffalo."

*Note: I have no idea what a Jazz Puppy or Jazz Buffalo is. I guess my subconscious made it up. But I think "Good Morning Jazz Puppy!" is my new catchphrase.

Adventures in Eating

Yesterday I did one of those things that after the fact are always classified under "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

As many of us know, I tend to be fiscally careful (read: cheap). I save money where I can. One of those places is on cereal. I am a big cereal eater (in that I eat a lot--not that I eat big cereals. I eat the normal size cereals like everyone else.) I eat cereal every morning. Often, I eat it for dinner. I love me some cereal. However, cereal can cost you an arm and a leg. Most cereals can cost about $4 for 13 ounces. And so I buy these knock-off brands that come in bags from Dominicks. There's quite a selection and they are all generic versions of real cereals: Apple Yos are Apple Jacks, Silly Circles and Fruit Loops, etc.

These bags sell for $4 for 32 ounces. And often they go on sale for $3. Great deal huh?

Well, yesterday the deal got better. I went to Dominicks because I needed more cereal and I needed cash. To my surprise I found that Dominicks has all of their generic bagged cereal on clearance-- for $2 a bag. $2 for 32 ounces! Two things went through my head: 1) Wow, that's a good price. I should get more than one bag. 2) If they are gonna carry this anymore, I need to stock up.

I started grabbing bags. And then I went to go get a cart. That should have been my first clue that things were getting out of hand.

I ended up with 11 bags. That 352 ounces of cereal. Yah, for only $22. But, it's still 352 ounces. At the time, it seemed like a good idea. And it is a good price. I will eat it all eventually. I do go through cereal very quickly. But now, I am thinking, "Can I eat it all before it goes bad?" But honestly, this stuff is so sugary, I am not sure it could go bad. It might outlast me.

The funny irony is that this morning, as I was preparing myself my first bowl of about 5,000 this purchase guarantees me, I opened the fridge. And yup, there was about a tablespoon of milk in the carton.

Maybe that will go on sale too so I can stock up.

So Much Meat
Speaking of spending money, The Intended and I went to The Melting Pot with her sister and two friends (shout out to loyal reader Megan!). That place is just an eating adventure. I love the fun and interactivity fondue brings to a night out. We had a lot of fun trying new things, stabbing each other with those little pitch forks and fishing lost potatoes out of the fondue pot.

But I have to admit--even though it wasn't my first time--I was so confused by the menu. I really didn't understand what we were ordering because everything had to be ordered for two. I didn't understand how the Intended and I were getting both lobster and steak. I kept trying to figure out, "Well, who gets the lobster? Who gets the steak? How does this work out?"

When it came, I finally understood. It's just a big plate of raw meat nuggets. The menu should say that: "For $70 you get a whole pile of assorted meats, for $80 dollars you get a bigger pile of assorted meats, and for $90 you get so much frickin assorted raw meat, you'll need a cart to get out." I'd understand that.

Quotes of the Week

"You don't watch The Office? I thought for sure you'd be into it. You could be ON The Office." --A co-worker. And I'm not so sure it's a compliment that she thinks I could be on the show.

"French women don't get fat." - A helpful spam e-mail.

"Now that James Brown is finally gone, I can now assume the position of Godfather of Soul. I'll have to change my business cards." - Designer Doug

Of Posses and Predators

You may have seen in the comments log the other day that Charissa wrote that she still has her famous Pictionary sketch of "Posse." I'd forgotten where it went to. But now I remember: Esther, Emily and I put it in a scrap book that was given to Charissa as a going away gift. (She of course then came back. So I think we should get our book back.)

Anyhoo, Charissa scanned it in and sent it over for everyone to enjoy. Here it is:

She drew the stick figures first. The size of them made us on her team think it was a family with a little baby. And then the gun threw us all off. And then, to try and get us to think "Poss...," she moved on to drawing a possum. However, we thought it was a steam ship. See the smoke stacks? Oh, and the thing poking out from under the porthole (or the eye, as it was meant to be) is it's tongue because he's playing dead.

The funny thing is, I remembered it as the "baby" holding the gun. Turns out, it's not the little one who's packing. I guess that's just revionist history. My memory just twisted the story around. It's kinda of like one really sad time in my history.

In high school, my friend John and I were really into the movie Predator. And in our little friend group, we'd constantly joke about lines and scenes. We'd act it out. We'd impersonate characters. We'd quote it. It was huge. Our big catchphrase was, "Billy, what are you doing?!?!?" yelled in a Schwarzenegger-like accent. It came from a scene where the soldiers' tracker, Billy, decides to face off with the predator and give his injured friends time to escape. As Billy waits for the predator, Arnold turns and yells at Billy. So, we would use the line all the time if we were in a hurry or we didn't understand what a friend was doing: "Billy! What are you doing???"

One night, we had a big Predator Party to show it to all the friends who'd never seen it. As we neared the scene, everyone gathered around. "Here it comes," John said. Billy leaves his squad and positions himself to fight the Predator on a bridge. He cuts himself with a knife so that the Predator will sense the blood. And then.... Arnold, on the path yards away, looks back and yells...

"Billy, Let's go."

Yah -- "Billy, what are you doing?" isn't even in the movie. John and I just convinced ourselves it was.

"Billy, Let's go" just isn't that good of a catch phrase.

Top 30 Baby Names

I realized three things last night:

1) That I should never burn grilled cheese. Why? Because of how cold it is, of course. Here's the connection: On Monday night I burnt one side of my grilled cheese. The smoke detector went off and all that. On Tuesday morning, the apartment still smelled like smoke, so I left the patio door open a crack. After all, it's been like 50 degrees out. Well, by the time I got home late last night, it was about 10 degrees in my apartment. Dang grilled cheese sandwich. The only consolation was that I had my blanket with a handle and my new ESPN fleece from Marc to keep me warm.

2) I am in a major weird dream cycle right now. Last night, I was in a cardboard house building contest. On my team were Brain Urlacher and Greg Jensen, my second cousin and college roommate. The best part was when we started losing and our strategy was to have Urlacher tackle other competitors.

3) I have totally dropped the ball on my TOP 30 lists to celebrate my birthday. I meant to do them weekly and well...30 is a lot to replicate every week. 30 is a lot. This whole thing is just making me feel older. But I pledge to make it happen.

So, without further ado, here we go:

THE TOP 30 NAMES I'D LIKE TO NAME A CHILD

I have no idea when I'll ever have kids, but I have always wanted to be a dad and always liked thinking of names. So here is my list of favorite names for babies:

30. Myto - This one comes from an old joke from my dad. Say it aloud with the ole' last name. hee hee.
29. Joy
28. Faith - It's true, it can indeed hurt.
27. Val - For a boy. I actually liked this name becaue of Val Kilmer during the Tombstone phase I went through.
26. Han
25. Cornelius
24. Obi Wan
23. Cocoa
22. Xander - Ok, I am serious about this one.
21. Obadiah - Hey, It's Biblical!
20. Angus - Did you know that in later seasons of MacGyver they revealed his first name was Angus? It's true.
19. French Fry - If Jeff can name his cat this, I think I can use it for a baby.
18. Ozzie
17. Sheriff - I like it because my baby would sound like an authority. It'd be even better if he/she became a sheriff.
16. Artemas - Hey, It's Biblical!
15. A.J. - I'd be naming my baby for A.J. Pierzynski, just like Marc did.
14. Illinois - Illinois? We named the dog Illinois... (or something like that.)
13. Scout - So that when I call him, I'd feel like a 1950s dad. "Hey, Scout!"
12. Lumberjack
11. Cinderella - It's unisex.
10. Kragon - This way he/she sounds like an alien villian.
9. Chewbacca
8. Turniphead - This LOST-inspired baby name was taken by Esther and Dale, until they for some reason changed their daughter's name to Lydia. So now, it is free for the taking.
7. Mayor - See #17.
6. Doc - This name came into favor during my Tombstone phase.
5. Boaz- Hey, it's biblical!
4. The Boy - It's unisex.
3. Salt Creek - I shouldn't need to explain why.
2. Gigantor - Think about the irony of a tiny baby name Gigantor. hee hee.
1. Todd Ahito - Of course in honor of Tadahito Iguchi of the White Sox. For a Girl: Tadahita

Beware Bird Flu!

Man, I had crazy dreams again last night. At one point I was trying to solve a mystery in a grocery store with Buffy and my Grandma. And then I was trying to get to Comiskey Park via a cab driven by two young Polish kids, but I was mugged by a midget. Really. Good times.

There's not much going on to relate today. I've been really cramming on movies because I have to nominate 15 best films and 15 most redeeming films by Friday for ChristianityTodayMovies.com. I've seen some good stuff recently.

Thanks to a mention by Mark Ahn on his blog, I saw Stranger than Fiction. Loved it. (And was delighted that it featured a lot of music by one of my fave bands, Spoon.) I saw World Trade Center and Sophie Scholl this weekend. I saw Apocolypto last night. All are good. WTC was better than I expected because Nic Cage didn't act like Nic Cage. And Oliver Stone didn't direct like Oliver Stone. Sophie Scholl is a little German movie about a girl who was arrested for running an underground anti-Hitler newsletter with her brother. It's sad and a little slowly paced, but very rewarding. Apocolypto is very good, but it's so graphic and violent. Yikes. Because of that, it's really hard to recommend to everyone. But it is very well-executed.

I draft for my second round of Fantasy Football playoffs today. UPDATE-- My team is:

QB Drew Brees, NO
RB Laurence Maroney, NE
RB Joseph Addai, IND
RB Deuce McCallister, NO
WR Marvin Harrison, IND
WR Antonio Gates, SD
WR Reggie Brown, PHI
K Adam Viniteri, IND

Now I have to decide if I want to play Addai vs. the #2 rush defense or Maroney (who splits carries) vs. the #6 rush defense. Life is full of tough choices.

I got two great e-mails yesterday. One was a press release:

Christian Community Not Prepared for Possible Bird Flu Panic

"Local churches and individual Christians have a tremendous potential to alleviant suffering if the avian influenza reaches pandemic levels, but right now most are sleeping. I'm afraid they will wake up too late to the threat," said ----------. He believes the Christian community is squandering valuable preparation time while they either ignore the issue or debate its validity.

If we all die from Bird Flu I will feel bad for giggling at the entire idea of the press release.

The other e-mail was from someone very upset about my negative review of the movie Eragon. He was mad that I said it was plot point -by-plot point a retread of the original Star Wars movie. He said, "If its soooo like Star Wars, where's Darth Sidius, Darth Maul, Darth Vader, Chewbacca, General Greivous, the droids and clones? I bet you haven't seen Star Wars!"

Of course, this letter writer has no idea of who I am, but that claim made me giggle since I read his e-mail while wearing Star Wars boxers and sitting in my nerdy office under a whole troop of Star Wars action figures, Pez dispensers and big R2-D2s.

The Circle of Life...And Pictionary

I love board games. On Friday, I got together with Marc, Emily and Charissa to play Charissa's new game based on LOST. It was basically a game where you moved around movable board peices to explore "the island" and tried to add as many new castawys to your group as you could. I ended up with 5, but most importantly, I got Mr. Eko. He's my favorite.

After everyone got bored of me whupping up on them in that game with my lethal Eko-Jin-Sun combination, we moved onto Pictionary. And what occured there was a wonderful coincidence.

First, some history: Pictionary is a big deal in our friend group. We play quite a bit and have many classic stories. The best is this: During an "All Play," Charissa drew three stick figures. Two were the same size and a third, in the middle, was very short. I assumed this was a family. I guessed, "Parents" and "Baby." But then, Charissa gave the baby a gun. She then went on to draw a Possum. The word was "Posse." Her drawing was so great, it became a shirt.

So on Friday, Marc and Charissa were playing against Marc and I. We were on an All-Play. Marc and Charissa were drawing. As we get set to draw, Charissa says to Emily, "Think hard on this one." After I say "Go!," Charissa begins to draw her Mom, Dad and baby all over again--and once again gives the baby a gun. And after only about 3 seconds Emily yells, "POSSE!"

Sure enough, by some odd chance, Charissa got the Posse card all over again. And used the failures of the past for a better present.

DREAM LOG:
(1/7/07)
I was traveling with three guys from work: Marshall, Russ and Andy. We were at some convention in St. Louis and decided to go to a baseball game. (Where did this come from? Well, years ago I went to a Evangelical Press Association meeting with Marshall and one night we went to a Braves game. I also go to a conference with Russ and Andy every year.) At the game, the Cardinals were playing the Yankees. That Cardinals were winning. We were sitting near the top of the second tier when I noticed a little yellow stunt plane flying around the stadium doing tricks. I watched for awhile and was impressed but also worried becuse he was close to buildings everytime he did rolls and loops.

Suddenly, the pilot ejects from the plane and parachutes away. Meanwhile, the plane goes up for another loop and comes down on a section of seats across the field from me--right behind home plate. The plane doesn't hit people though, but lands on the overhung roof above them. It just kinda bounces off this roof harmlessly. I can't believe it, but I just get back into the game. But then I hear a loud creaking. I look up. And this big section of seats under that roof just tumbles backward out of the stadium. People are screaming and it's mayhem. (So where did this come from? Well, I watched World Trade Center last night.) The last thing I remember is watching a black-and-white movie of the stunt plane pilot parachuting into a lake.

There's no good title for this one

Yesterday, someone said to me this sentence: "I don't like Hot Chocolate. It's just gross." That statement just made no sense to my brain. I can't even really process that. To me, it is much like saying, "I can't stand air." Or "Freedom sucks." Or "Baby puppies are the worst things ever. Dang them baby puppies."

It's Hot Chocolate. It's chocolate. That is hot. I fail to see the problem.

This morning, Designer Doug bought new windshield wipers. He cut up the box and kept the name of the wipers: "Critical and Delicate Wipers." He then taped it up as a little sign above the toilet paper in the men's room. I laughed for about 10 minutes.

I broke down on Wednesday and bought Styx's "Mr. Roboto" on iTunes. I love that song. I've listened to it like a dozen times. In fact, on Wednesday I just listened over and over. It's so worth a dollar ... and giving up a dollar to that band who now turns its face upon their greatest creation. Oh, I'm gonna get angry again. The only thing that can calm me is to turn on "Mr. Roboto." ... Oh yah, there it is.

You really can't listen to the "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto" refrain without dancing the robot. It's impossible. It's like a mystical power. I am doing the robot right now. Actually, it's funny because on Wednesday I had the song rolling almost constantly and two different dance parties broke out. One time, Designer Doug walked in and initiated the robot. We both danced together. And then, later, Latonya walked in and we both instinctivally--and on beat--started doing the robot at the same time while discussing new commercials we like.

A FUN FRIDAY READ:
Speaking of commercials, Camerin found this great Slate article about the "Commercials We Hate." The great lines include such dandies as:

About the VO5 commercials where two youths rebel with hair products:
"This VO5 commercial suggests we should just airdrop VO5 over North Korea, and then sit back and watch the freedom (and fauxhawks) bloom."

About Dominoes' Fudgems:
"It seems like a great idea to advertise a fudge brownie by first anthropomorphizing it, and then having it smear gucky brown goo over everyone who touches it."

About the Visa ad where the guy paying cash throws off the rhythmic orchestra of the cashier line:
"I'll pay for my sandwich any way I dang well please. Perhaps I'll haul out a bag of nickels. Maybe I'll sign over a check from Grandma. Whatchu gonna do about it, chump? "

About the shockingly violent VW commercials where conversations are cut off my horrible accidents:
"The whole campaign seems horribly misguided. The main effect is that whenever I see a VW these days, I reflexively duck and cover. Those things are always getting into violent accidents! "

QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
"It makes you want to grow a mustache." --Designer Doug about listening to Styx.

How Penske is Stopping Vehicular Homicide

On Saturday, Marc and I went to the Penske Turck rental to pick up the truck that our friend Doug would be using to move out of Illinois. I've never driven a big truck and so Marc offered to. But since it wasn't that large, I decided I could handle it. And I did fine...except for one problem. Big trucks have really slippery floors!

Seriously, the floor on these Penske moving trucks is all plastic and some Helpful Penske Employee used about 4 bottles of Armor-All to shine it all up. Add to the slickness the fact that I was wearing my super-cool but low-on-the-traction faux-bowling shoes and you have a recipe for disaster (as opposed to a recipe for pie, which is yummy).

When I first pulled myself up into the truck, I put my feet down and went sliding across the cockpit. I was like Bambi learning to walk in there. I eventually learned to just keep my feet elevated and only touch pedal.

No wonder you have to have special licenses to drive big trucks. Dang.

The moving adventures didn't end there. On Monday, when loading up the Slick Penske Truck, I was returning back to the house from carrying out a load when I noticed a 6 or 7-year-old boy riding his bike down the sidewalk. His eyes caught mine and he yelled, "Pooh-pooh head!"

I was gonna run him over with the Penske truck, but I figgered that by the time I got my footing in there, he'd be long gone.

Domo Arigato For Nothing, Styx.

Friday night was the big Styx show. It was a fun time. But I still left angry.

My Intended and I went at the courtesy of one of my youth group kids, Rose. Her mom cleans the house of guitarist James Young, the last original band member still touring with Styx. (Current frontman Tommy Shaw is pretty much an original though--he joined the band in 1977 and was with the band on all of their huge hits except for '"Lady." The original bassist Chuck Panozzo also often joins the band in concert for a couple songs, as he did Friday.)

Anyway, Rose got tickets for three of us youth group counselors to go with her family. And as an extra bonus: meet-and-greet passes (above). After the show, we got to meet James Young and get autographs. I bet you don't have one of these:



The concert was enjoyable and I knew almost all of the songs they played. However, I am very upset with Styx. We are not on good terms right now. I even almost expressed my displeasure to JY himself. But I didn't want him to beat me up. The problem? They played "Come Sail Away." They Played "Renegade." They played "Lady." And they played a bunch of newer stuff no one knew. But what did they not play? The one song I really wanted to hear! That's right: NO "Mr. Roboto." Here's what Wikipedia says about "Mr. Roboto": "It is considered the most well-known Styx song among Generation Y." THE. MOST. WELL-KNOWN. But yet, they just don't play it? Bah. In fact, they went one notch worse than not playing it. They sang ONE LINE of it in a medley. Just to tease me, I am sure. "Oh sure, Todd, we COULD sing it. But we're only gonna do this much."

Domo arigato for nothing, Styx. You're dead to me!

A NEW ERA OF OLD ROCK
Since I didn't have the chance to do the robot during "Mr. Roboto," I just pondered the whole notion of a popular 70s band still playing--but without most of the originals. It's an interesting concept that we've never really had in rock until this generation. The show was cheesy and goofy. It was almost self-parody at times. In fact, at one point, the theatrics and cheese reminded me of Spinal Tap. The guys would try to do choreographed steps and guitar plunges, but everytime someone would forget the step...or have to rush over from the wrong side of the stage at the last minute. It almost seemed like they'd never played together before. Rose said she counted 24 mistakes. She would know--this was her 4th Styx concert.

As an aside, Rose came to church this weekend to see me preach. When it was over, she told me my sermon was "better than a Styx concert." Oh yah.

FREE STUFF!
Anyway, I never saw a band do so much to appease their crowd before. As My Intended said, "Has a band ever thrown out that many guitar picks to the audiences?" The answer is no. During one guitar solo, I swear James Young tossed out 6 picks. SIX. And that's no exageration. During one song break, the band went off stage and returned with armfulls of merch to toss to the fans. Audience interaction is great and many bands would sooner spit on their fans than bend over for them--but the amount of free stuff, posing and attention-getting was comparable to a older sibling trying to get mom's attention away from the baby. "Hey, look at me! I am playing the trumpet...while standing on my head!"

I'm sure this came out of the band's genuine appreciation for the fans. In fact, the fans of a band like this are a fickle brood. They seem to want their Styx...but their 1977 Styx. They don't want the band to be who the band wants to be...but the band they were. Everytime, Styx started playing a song that wasn't a radio classic, floods of people left for the bathrooms. It was intriguing.

PLEASE, GIVE A KEYBOARDIST SOMETHING TO DO!

Some of the attempts to entertain and appease the fans may also stem from some of the newer guys being like, "Dang, I am in Styx! I'm gonna eat it up!" Speaking of that, this concert confirmed my suspicion that the keyboardists of America have too little to do. At the Emery show, the keyboardist spent his time rocking the keyboard angrily. At this show, the replacement for Dennis DeYoung had way too much time on his hands. He took photos of the other band members. He stood on his head. He did a funny dance around the stage. He even had a rotating keyboard that he could spin around and dance with. I am writing the Keyboardist Union. These guys need more to do.

SEPERATED AT BIRTH?

After the show, we didn't get to meet Styx singer Tommy Shaw or the rest of the band. I did want to see Tommy in person though to confirm something My Intended and I each indepedently noticed during the show: Tommy Shaw and David Spade may have been seperated at birth!

DREAM LOG
(December 30, 2006)
I was at the Styx concert, meeting James Young in front of the stage just like in real life. Only this time, Tommy Shaw and the rest of the band came out from backstage too. In fact, they came dancing in a congo line--in their underwear. And I thought, "Wow, backstage must be the place to be!"

Come Sail Away

Exciting weekend ahead.

Two nights ago, my phone rang. It was Rose, a girl in my youth group. She graciously offered My Intended and I two free tickets to see a concert with her and some other church friends. And so tonight, I am attending my first ever STYX concert. I'm awfully proud to say that. I think maybe I did my 30 Greatest Concert Moments list too soon.

Saturday and Sunday will be filled with much anxiety and ranting. I've been asked to preach at all three services at church. I am not sure they know what they've gotten themselves into. I was thinking about doing an interpretive dance as my sermon. But I guess I will fall back on Plan B: Fire and Brimstone.

New Year's Eve will be relaxing and informal with the Intended and some friends. And hopefully several movies. New Year's Day will also be laid back. The only plans I have are to help Doug V. pack up his last remaining possessions in Illinois to complete the move to Ohio. I considered stowing away in the truck. But that'd be a long drive without a potty.

For the most part, it should be a pretty relaxing weekend. I hope to get some down time. I've been cutting way back on committments and freelance lately. Partly because of upcoming things like wedding stuff and needing to sell my condo soon and other changes like that.

But I'm also just kinda done with the busyness. I'm sick of having commitments every night and every hour of the weekend. I'm tired of nagging assignments hanging over my head. And also, I just have this drive again to do some creative writing for the first time in a long time. I have these stories in my head that I want to get out. I've felt that way for a long time, but now it's at a fever pitch. I mean, I have no grand allusions. It's not like "The world must hear these stories before I am gone!" but, I just need that outlet. Come to think of it, I haven't done freetime, just-for-myself, fiction writing in about 4 years. I have a finished but only half-revised screenplay sitting around. I might reawaken that.

I just need to write. And dream. And imagine.

Quotes of the Week
"I think that's up near Schaumburg, right?" -My Uncle Bill after seeing my new "Mayor of Awesomeville" shirt.

"I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out."-Barney on How I Met Your Mother trying to prove he didn't have a cold.

Christmas Top 6

I'm back from all the Egg Nog, chocolate and gifts of my Christmas holiday. I had a truly blessed long weekend with My Intended and our families. We got to spend time with her maid of honor, the future in-laws, my whole family and more. Here's some assorted highlights:

-The Coolest Gift Received: This is a toss up, because my loved ones were very generous. I got the first seasons of TV shows The Muppet Show and Mission:Impossible . I got M:I 3! I got a golf bag. I got what may be the coolest hoodie I've ever owned (and I am a connoisseur in fine hoodies). But when all the chips are down, I think the coolest gift was a T-shirt that my sister actually made just for me with iron-on letters. It says, "Mayor of Awesomeville." It's just amazing.

-Coolest Gift Given: I gave my brother a retro jersey of his favorite Sox: Carlton Fisk. Having him open it was actually better than getting anything.

-Most Sentimental Moment: Both families gave My Intended and I some neat Wedding-oriented stuff. My mom got us our toasting flutes and something special that will serve as a cookie-cake topper. But I knew those were coming, what floored me was a gift from the Mother-in-Law. She gave me a crystal mug that she'd bought for her now departed husband as a wedding gift. She handed it down as I am now "the man of the family." Wow. It's really a very special thing to me.

-Best Lesson: In a game of Scrabble with My Intended, I learned the painful lesson that "Beap" is not a word.

-Funniest moment: So my brother was leaving my parents' house. He said, "Hey thanks for the Fisk jersey." By instinct, I replied, "And thank YOU for the...." That's when I realized I had no idea what he and his wife had given me. I think I ended the sentence with mumbling and something like, "For being here..." After about 15 minutes of going through my gifts and interveiwing all of those present about what gift was form my brother, we all realized that it was still hidden from me in my parents' room. With Chad guiding me on the phone as if I was Jack Bauer being instructed by CTU to find a bomb, I walked back to find my new golf bag. Score.

-Most Surprising Gift: At my Parents' House, I got a small wrapped box that wasn't labeled. Inside was a note: "Dear Todd, I am sorry that I made you worry! I actually was NOT kidnapped. I went on to better my career. Not that I dond't like being with you, I actually miss you a lot. However, with my dream has always been to model. And I hope you can see from the included picture that I have a lot of talent! Miss you, Red Fez Monkey"

Whoa. That was a shock. After all this time spent searching for him and even sending his brother, Purple Fez Monkey, on an epic quest to find him, it turns out Red Fez is just starting a modeling career! Here's the framed pciture that was in the package from Red Fez. As you can see, he's stumbled into the high-pressure world of Cross-Stitch Modeling. Don't laugh. That's a hard job to stand still while someone knits your likeness. I'm proud of you, Red Fez. Wherever you are...

Merry Christmas.

For our magazine, LaTonya once wrote this story about how her Mom used to always let her drink only a little Egg Nog at a time. This always bothered her and so when she got to college, she got some Egg Nog and drank as much as she wanted. And then got sick.

I kinda thought the story was a little silly. I mean, it's just Egg Nog. But then today happened. I love Egg Nog. So, in an attempt to get into the Christmas spirit, I bought a carton last night. This morning, I had two big glasses on an empty stomach. And I'm feeling it. Ugh. You know how bad it is? Designer Alecia brought in big Christmas cookies and I can't eat one. Yah, you know it's bad when i turn down cookies. (But one is going into the Nativity Jar...)

But hey, tis the season.

I think that I'm just now starting to feel any degree of Christmasy (no thanks to that Egg Nog). I sat in my apartment yesterday morning with a blanket on, the tree lights on and sipping hot chocolate. It was quite quaint. I've been wrapping gifts like it's my job (it isn't.) And I've been spending a lot of time trying to guess what people have gotten me. I need to spend some time reading the biblical story of Christ's birth, too. That is what I really need to keep me in the right mindest. I've been thinking about watching The Passion of the Christ, actually. I know, I know: wrong season. But I watched it last year and it was really poignant for me as a real reminder of WHY Christmas matters.

As I've been thinking about Christmas this year, one of my favorite Christmas memories has kept surfacing. Being with my family has always been the real blessing of Christmas. The house is all decorated. Family is all together and a buzz. There's just this etheral quality about my memories of Christmas at home. There's just this closeness and love. I'm lucky in that way. But all through the first 20 or so years of my life, even the week leading up to the Christmas Eve and Day was always neat as all three kids would be home and excited. (And telling each other what we saw Mom hiding in the closet....)

Well, in the senior year of college, I took a trip to England that week before Christmas with my college roommate Gene. It was awesome to be walking down Cobblestone roads in Canterbury eating roasted chestnuts just days before Christmas. It was all so Dickens. But the neat part was that I arrived home on Christmas Eve. I got a limo home and walked intot he house as guests were arriving for our annual Christmas Eve meal. I felt like I was just dropped into the Christmas season--and it was great.

Well, Merry Christmas.

WHOO-HOO OF THE WEEK
So, today I was reading the critical response to The Good Shepherd at RottenTomatoes.com. And I discovered my name there! I've gotten a review listed on RottenTomatoes.com! This seriously is a huge deal for me. I've been looking at RT reviews for YEARS. What a cool thing to see.

Well, it turns out that not only was I added to the RT.com stable but they've archived all of my reviews. It's funny to see them all here--and remember some I forgot about. Some star ratings I really regret (The Legend of Zorro didn't deserve 2 stars, it should have been like 1. And Sky Captain shouldn't have been 3.5. It should have been 2.5. Oh well.) And I'd completely forgotten about some reviews that I'm pretty proud of.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

"You look like a russian girl." --An office lady here to a woman wearing a nice new outfit for the first time.

"I just hope I don't end up hating christmas because of this. And then like, turning from the faith." -Jill, about her office being filled with pine air fresheners.

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

It is finished.

Early this morning, when it was still dark and rain fell into puddles, I hauled my ficas tree down the stairs, across the parking lot and then, unremorsefully, I tossed him into the dumpster. I then went behind the dumpster in the mud and dumped dirt out of the pot.

As I stepped through the mud in my shiny dress shoes, I realized how mob-like the scene was: It's dark, rainy, muddy. I was dressed up. And I was throwing a deceased foe in a dumpster.

The ficas sleeps with the fishes. Or the old garbage.

Something To Do To Avoid Work This Week:
Rollingstone.com has posted four days (so far) worth of this year's best re-cut movie trailers floating around the Internet. Thanks to the Gat for alerting me to this collection. I fell in love with this concept earlier in the year when I heard some film class' final project was to take a film and re-cut a trailer making it look like a totally different genre.

The first one I saw was The Shining re-spun as a touching feel-good film about a foster dad (posted here on Day 1) . That's up here, as is my new fave: "10 Things I Hate About Commandments (Day 3)." Man, I could watch this 10 Commandments parody over and over. "Now, the battle is on to see who can win the girl and rule the school!" It's the best one of these screwed-up trailers I've seen so far. Which are your favorites?

Wedding Wednesday

So, My Intended and I have spoken casually to a co-worker of mine about our cookie cake because her family has a bakery. Today, I got an e-mail from her about it and it is one of the funniest e-mails I perhaps have ever received. I love how randomly thoughts flitter into our heads. Here's how the e-mail went:

"Hi Todd.

While I was walking down the stairs I smelled french fries...which led me to thinking about how last night my mom wanted french fries (she usually despises them)...and she wanted them while at the bakery...while I was decorating cookies...which led me to thinking about the cookie cake for your wedding. :) "

Awesome Blog Entry

Was I ever in for a surprise this week at Aldi! They've changed the look of my Sweet Valley soda. Now, the Diet Cola is all blue and snazzy. No more white generic look. No, now it's gone all big time.

As I stood in the aisle and looked at this old friend now in an unfamiliar appearance, I went through a lot of emotions. And had many thoughts and realizations wash over me.

Thefirst thing I noticed with great displeasure was that I the cans no longer have the unattributed testimonial, "Great Tasting" on them. That was sad.

And then I realized that not only was the packaging different, so was the name. It wasn't just DIET COLA anymore. It is now Diet GT Cola.

After I realized the name was changed, I began to think, Hmm, what's the GT stand for?

And then it hit me. Yah, they named it Great Tasting Cola. This is priceless. I thought it was funny before when the box said the soda was great tasting, but now they've named it that? That's great.

I think all products should be named adjectives, like Cool shoes, Economic car, and Sharp-But-Not-Too-Sharp razors.

Sign #456 I Am Losing It
I actually apologized to my computer today. I hit the button to open the CD tray instead of eject the floppy disk like I meant to. Before I knew what I was doing, I said, "Sorry, I hit the wrong button."

Tis the Season to Sumo

After months of waiting, the gift giving is here! I love to give at Christmas, but I also love presents. I love to shake them. I love to try and figure out what they are. I just enjoy the unknown and the unwrapping. And I love to see what people give me--not in a materialistic way but to see what they think I'd enjoy. I love to find out what says, "Todd needs this" to my loved ones.

Well, the gift giving this Christmas started off with a bang. My friend Camerin definitely has a finely-tuned "Todd needs this" radar as she was at Barnes & Noble and found this: Sumo Smash! This is a re-packeaged toy from the 1980s that was in the same line as that wind-up bowling game where the ball would walk down the alley. In the Sumo edition, you set up the little ring, wind up the wrestlers and them go! The first to fall down or be knocked from the ring loses. This is one of the best gifts ever. It's portable (so when I travel I can have my sumo ring in one hand and my portable blankey in the other). It's fun. And it's sumo. What could be better?




Actually, Christmas is my favorite time of year for reasons that go far beyond presents (tho they are cool). There's Jesus, of course. And, I have two other favorite things: 1) Work at Christmas and 2) Family at Christmas.

Work at Christmas is my favorite 2 weeks of the year. There's lots of parties and food. But really what I like is that no one is here. That sounds rude. And maybe it is a little. But I like that there's only a few people in the office--especially between Christmas and New Year's--because I feel like I can get so much done. This year, I am concentrating on cleaning the office. Jill walked up today and caught me just standing in the middle of my office staring around at the walls. It may have looked like I wasn't working...but actually, I was planning a major attack on the clutter and a launch of a new look. Let's face it, when you have an office as cool as mine, a lot of work goes into it. I have a rep to maintain.



And like everyone, Christmastime is also special because the family gets together. This last weekend, I got to see my family and The Intended and I got a lot of time to just relax and bond with the fam. Most of all, I got some needed Nephew Time in. You see, he's almost 3 months old now, and it was time to start his lessons on the history of the White Sox. So, at my Grandma's 85th Birthday party, I walked him around because he was fussy. As we walked I told him all about the 2005 White Sox--who are lineup was, how we used no bullpen help in four games of the ALCS, and how we won the Series. He really learned a lot. And was very soothed.



Later that day, he was again fussy. I was holding him and I don't know too much about babies. But I knew his dad told me that he really likes music. He listens to Baby Bach all the time (as opposed to Baby Got Back), so I thought he needed some music to soothe him. I decided to hum. But I didn't know what to hum. So I fell back on what I know. I hummed, "Go Go Go White Sox." He quickly settled down.


So now, I should go. I have a busy day of hanging posters, figuring out where to put my pirate ship and staring at Landon's Christmas photo.

Master Detective, Part II

Yesterday, a friend of mine IMed me with a problem that I believe only I could solve. His one contact fell out and was lost. Working on his PC with only one contact was giving him a headache. "I need an eyepatch," he wrote. "And you're the only one I know who may have one here at the office."

The funny thing is: I do have an eye patch here at the office. And I love that he turned to me for such an odd request. That's faith in a friend, right there. And so, my friend worked until noon wearing a plastic eye patch with a skull and crossbones on it.

Everyone makes fun of my toystore office, but when people need somthing like an eye patch or turkey baster or a terribly out-of-date globe, where do they go? All eyes turn to me.


FRIDAY FLASHBACK

Master Detective, Part II

There I lay on the cement, in a pool of water, oil and blood. (The blood was mine. The water and oil weren't). I rolled over and looked at the warehouse in a blaze. I noticed that the landscaping was now burning.

"You ruined some perfectly good shrubs, you know," I reported to the vile man.

"You are a silly man," Will told me. He walked closer with his gun aimed at my scorched scalp.

"I'm sorry," I said. "It's not my fault though, you know. I'm just a character in a story."

"Indeed? Am I also?" Will questioned.

"Oh, yes."

"What kind of story is it?"

"A silly one," I said.

"Ah, of course," Will said while waving around that gun of his. "Well, anyway. Prepare to die."

"Okay," I said. And I started thinking about what I needed to do to adequately prepare.

But Will interrupted me. "It's funny," He blurted out.

"What is?"

"I can't bring myself to kill you now."

"Why not?" I asked, chewing on my fingernails.

"What if there are kids reading this?" He said. "Their parents wouldn't take kind to that."

"Good point."

"I'm sorry I shot you," Will apologized.

"Oh, that's okay. Happens all the time," I said as I stood up.

"What do you say we get out of here," Will said, tucking the gun in his belt. "And go for some tea and biscuits?"

"A simply wonderful idea, I do say!" I cringed as my leg ached. "I know this wonderful little cafe down the street."

"Superb," Will said pulling out his keys. "Oh. But let's take your car, mine is not in good condition, it seems."

"Sorry about that."

Will and I had a wonderful time at that café. I felt bad when I had to arrest him. THE END


Quotes of the Week
"I don't know. Those cookies kinda taste like that jar now." -Ted, after lamenting the retirement of The Cookie Drawer.

"I feel so much pressue. I feel like on Sunday I just have to sparkle." -Camerin

"We might be eating an ornament." -Matt, another youth group counselor, when we shared a processed cookie at a Christmas party.

"If I am starting a team, I want Reggie Bush. And I don't even know what game we're playing. I still want him." -John Madden

"I need a radio station that doesn't play the same songs over and over. I've been riding dirty and bringing sexy back for about an hour." -My sister

Master Detective, Part I

FRIDAY FLASHBACK ON THURSDAY
When I cleaned out that closet at home a few months ago, one of the old writings I found was a very self-referencial, Monty Python-esque short story called "Master Detective." This was not written in the "I Feed the Dog" era but probably when I was in high school or college--and obviously very very into Monty Python. I honestly do not recall writing this story at all. But it has my name on it. So at any rate, today I share Part One of "Master Detective." Come back tomorrow for the exciting conclusion.

MASTER DETECTIVE

I leapt off the staircase onto the cracked cement floor. I pulled my gun from the holster on my side and began running toward the open bay doors of the warehouse.

With my partner dead, and my cover blown, I knew I was in trouble. As I ran, oil and dirt splashed against my shoes. I heard gunshots, hit the ground and rolled to the outside of the warehouse. This was not a good day.

A bullet ricocheted off of the inside of warehouse. I returned fire and struck the drug dealer dead. That was good. A shot came from behind me. This was not good. Being the agile man that I am, I pivoted, shot and dove—all at the same time--back into the warehouse for cover.

I sized up that the buyer was crouching behind his black car about 30 yards from the warehouse. Drug dealers and their buyers always have black cars. I don't know why, but they do. All undercover detectives have red cars. But not me. Mine is orange.

I fired toward the car. I took out the tires and the windows. Then I reloaded. No one ever reloads in the movies, but this wasn't a movie. So I did.

Then a very bad thing happened.

The buyer, whose name is Will, threw a lighted stick at the warehouse. I don’t know where that came from. But he had it and he threw it. Something in the warehouse caught on fire. I remained where I was, all the time firing on the man. Soon, the warehouse itself was on fire. I noticed a beam of wood above my head was on fire.

It didn't bother me. That is, it didn't bother me until I felt a pain on my skull.

My head was on fire. This was, also, not a good thing. I panicked. I ran towards the car swatting at my head.

"You stupid idiot," the buyer yelled. And then he shot me in the leg. This was not all together bad, because the force of my fall and the rushing wind as I fell put out the fire raging in my hair. But since I'd been shot, things weren't all that rosy.

TO BE CONTINUED...

The End of the Cookie Drawer

I am retiring The Cookie Drawer. (See Long Live The Cookie Drawer.)

I know, I know it seems crazy. It seems like I am giving in. It seems like I am going establishment. But after I ate that Chalupa I had in there...

Actually, I am not retiring The Cookie Drawer because of any health concern or even a sign of maturing that leads one to stop eating things out of their desk. Instead, I got myself a splendid White Elephant Gift yesterday that's changed the cookie game.

On Saturday, I went to my youth group Christmas Party and gave away a Todd Wall Decorating Kit--a Sportsmanship plaque I won in 1984 for basketball and a nice framed picture of me. I got back a '80s workout cassette, complete with a picture of a lady in leg warmers. So, I regifted it in the company White Elephant exchange yesterday and got....a beautiful nativity cookie jar. Mary, Joseph and Jesus are cartoonish figures with big balloon heads. The top is the star raining down beams of light that looks like a circus tent. And Jesus is naked save for one strategically placed blue piece of cloth. It's really a fine piece of kitsch. And to think, I basically traded a picture of me for a cookie jar. That's more than the Sox got for Freddy Garcia.

After it was originally unwrapped, the cookie jar was stolen a few times by people who chose it over opening a new gift. When I stole the jar, someone commented that my future wife may not be so keen about having it in the house. I scoffed, "House? This is screaming to be put in my office." And so it sits here on my desk, already full of cookies. I've created a nativity scene out of it by adding a stormtrooper shepherd, a dinosaur and a monkey. Just like the first Christmas.

Anyway, with this new Cookie Jar, which will not be put away during non-Christmas months, The Cookie Drawer is no longer needed. Goodbye, Cookie Drawer. Thanks for all the cookies.

WEDDING WEDNESDAY
The newest big development is that we purchased our wedding bands on Saturday. We found a perfect band to match the engagement ring. But then we started looking at my rings. I don't wear jewelry. I don't like it. I've never really wore a ring except for a class ring for about a year. So, I was kinda uncomfortable putting a ring on and had a hard time even figgering out what I like.

Also, I think I had one of those "moments" people talk about when getting ready for a big life change. It might be like when a woman first starts showing a pregnancy. Or when someone fills out the new address form before making a cross-country move. But as I stood in that store and slipped a ring on THAT finger, I kinda blacked out for a minute. I remember just staring at the ring on my finger. It looked weird. My Intended offered some thoughts on the particular ring and on some others in the tray--but I wasn't there yet. I wasn't even comprehending the choice of styles for mine. I was still getting over the fact that I'd be wearing one for the rest of my life.

And then I realized how cool of a day that it really was: This was a day we got to chose the symbols (and that's all they realy are) of committment and love. And so I got the least blingy ring I could find and decided that I'm gonna love having that on my finger.

The Trifecta!

Now, I don't know who did it--but, rumor has it that two handsome guys here at the office excuted an amazing prank attack this morning: A Hat Trick. Three birthdays. Three Offices. Three Pranks. One day.

Jill's birthday was a few weeks ago. Her office is near the men's restroom so it can smell pretty bad. So these pranksters helped her by bringing her the frangrance of a pine forest. There were strands of evergreen garland, a Christmas tree and about 10 pine car air fresheners. Ah, the fine smell of the pine forest... but those with offices near Jill's don't seem that impressed with the joke.

Val's birthday was last week. She got sheets and sheets of paper from the floor to ceiling forming a maze or succession of walls to impede her from getting in.

Emily's birthday was yesterday. She got over 700 Dixie cups all lined on her floor. Stapled together. And filled with water. How do you get to your computer when that happens? Beats me.

This blog (http://photos.doublem.us/v/pranks/ctipranks/), by another guy who has nothing to do with any of these mean pranks, now has pictures of all three attacks.

From Weird Al to America to Hawk Nelson

I saw this news story today. One show of the new TobyMac tour had to be cancelled. One friend asked me if it means declining popularity for Toby. I say no. I saw this show and it was packed. So I think it was the time of year and that area's weather. But also, ummm, maybe the problem was that they booked a Christian concert at a MOSQUE?

Anyway, that leads well into my latest Top 30 list to commemorate my 30th birthday in a few months. After seeing the TobyMac/Family Force 5/Hawk Nelson show last week, I thought I'd come up with my Top 30 Concert Moments. Here they are:

30. The Brick Suit. I will admit it: I went to a Chumbawamba concert. Yes, I did. And before you judge: They know how to entertain. They put on a great concert. They used a lot of costume changes and props--which is always a plus in my book. The best part was this one guy who came out in a suit that was printed like a brick wall. It was neato.

29. Sandman Drum Solo. When I was in high school I saw classic rock group America at the State Fair. I loved their set. On the song Sandman, they broke down to a really awesome drum solo that made me want to play the drums. Sure, I played them badly. But I played them.

28. Is that him? I've been to 3 or 4 Weird Al Yankovich concerts. And I am mucho proud of that fact. At one, my friend Eric and I were in the stands about an hour or more early. (We were THAT excited.) In one section of the stands there was this guy in a ballcap just sitting there alone. No one was around him AT ALL. Well, Eric and I kept commenting about how much the guy looked like Al. And then, a crowd all of a sudden started forming around him--and that's when we realized that Al goes into the seats before his shows and waits for people to notice him and signs autographs. It was a neat thing for a legend* like him to do.
*Really. Legend. Who else sings about the Amish?

27. Kevin Max's Arrogance. At one Cornerstone, former DC Talk member Kevin Max came out on stage in a purple robe, struted to the end of the long catwalk into the crowd and arrogantly handed the robe to a beautiful assistant. What made this a memorable moment was the instant exodus of people streaming from the concert. Hilarious.

26. Weird Al's costumes. In concert, the guy changes clothes about a gazillion times. He wears the pointy Madonna bra. He wears the fat suit. It's amazing and very entertaining. What adds to it is... Weird Al's incredible energy. It is shocking how crazy this man is. He puts one leg behind his head--and bounces around on the other leg. Let's see Elton John do that.

25. Hawk's Vests. At a Hawk Nelson show a couple years ago, the guys came out in pink sweater vests--and it's become a legend of fashion among my friends.

24. A Classic Backflip. Classic Crime seered itself into my mind because of a lead singer who does backflips. That is rock, man. That is rock.

23. A Chick Who Rocks. I remember first getting the CD of Benjamin Gate and being blwn away by their sound. When I saw them live, the very first song blew my mind because lead Singer Adrienne just went berserko. This little lady jumped and headbanged and threw everything she had into it. It was love at first sight...but then Jeremy Camp stole her from Benjamin Gate and me.

22. Emo Moment. I'd never really known what emo punk was before I discovered Further Seems Forever. I discovered them at about 2 a.m. at one year of Cornerstone. Jason was the lead singer then. And I walked up as he was hanging from a tent pole into the audience. The best way to describe it is to say he was emoting. Just completely and passionately leaning into his fans, belting his heart out, and singing--not to them, but with them. I saw the punk part the next day when Jason was late for a press conference because a 6-inch gash in his leg from a concert weeks before that he never had looked at was acting up.

21. Stryper. Really, that should be enough of a grand concert moment. I saw Stryper. But during the show, the guys passed out tiny Bibles to the crowd. They used to throw Bibles into the crowd at shows but now they just hand them to the first few rows to avoid injury and lawsuits no doubt. A slightly less-fortunate moment at that show was when the drummer, Robert Sweet, came onstage in the old yellow and black spandex just like they used to wear in the 80s. The only difference is that Robert is 20 years older.

20. Mosh With Love. At a punk concert a long time ago I saw my first Christian mosh pit. I loved that these guys would beat the heck out of each other...and then congratulate each other and hug. Beautiful.

19. Flags. Upon seeing all the different flags being held by their audience, Flatfoot 56 welcomed all the "Americans, Canadians, Chicagoans...and Pirates."

18. Toby Mac's Choreography. The best moment of any TobyMac show is when he and his two dancers/backup singers/acrobats join him to do some sweet dance moves. My favorite part is when they do a slow step walk toward the audience as they sing, "I'm a dead man walking..."

17. The Hill of Hands. The main stage at Cornerstone is set in a big natural bowl of a hill. At my first fest, Third Day led everyone in worship and everyone held hands and raised them high into the night. From down near the stage, I looked up to see just a massive sea of raised hands--and a ring of held hands around the hill's upper rim. This single show sold my on Christian music.

16. The Baby Powder. There was a hazy fog at my first Flatfoot 56 concert. Why? The band began a new "campaign on chaffing" by being well-supplied with baby powder.

15. The Solo Concert. One year, Third Day came to the area and no one else could go to the show. So I went by myself. I got a seat up in the rafters and just sat back and enjoyed. At the end of the set, they went into a worship set and I was so taken away in worship. It was a memorable experience as God met me there.

14. Buffalo Matt Theissen. At the first Relient K concert I went to, the band put a big plastic buffalo out on the catwalk in front of the stage. During the show, singer Matt Theissen rode it. And then surfed it through the crowd.

13. My First Vision of Family Force 5. Two years ago at the Gospel Music Week in Nashville, I went to the Gotee Records New Artist night. And my life would never be the same. All week, there'd been a buzz about Family Force 5--but I had no idea what to expect. Then, the band came out and completely tore the roof off the small club. I remember that I was most taken by Xanadu, the guy who is not in the band but just dances and hands instruments to the FF5 guys. Shake your tailfeather.

12. The End of Staple. This Summer I saw my final Staple concert at Cornerstone. They were amazing. I was close to the stage as they passionately played they set and said goodbye. The ultimate moment was when a guy from Cornerstone came up and said a prayer for the band as they now go on to new things. It was moving and powerful.

11. Jukebox of the Dead. My high school friend John had been trying for years to get me into this band of Wheaton College alums called the Deatholz. One Halloween, I finally listened and went to their Halloween show where they announced they appeared in zombie costumes and announced that "The Deathholz could not make it but we are The Jukebox of the Dead!" They played crazy versions of well know songs like Ring of Fire and Thriller. It was great.

10. Ouch. During a Cornerstone MxPx concert, Tom and Mike stood at opposite sides of the stage and threw their guitars high into the air to each other. They do it at every concert. But at this one, Tom's guitar smacked Mike in the head. Yowsers.

9. Puppet Show. On the Thrive Tour, The Newsboys had a projected video of a puppet show they'd play during the song John Woo. It featured a puppet of a dog and a puppet of a cat rocking out to the song. It could be the single funniest video I've ever seen.

8. "I'm Not Washing These Pants." At the MuteMath show, the lead singer left the stage to walk through the crowd. As he did, I looked back to see that he was standing right next to my friends Marc, Emily and Charissa. He even touched Charissa's leg as he leapt a wall and worked his way through the audience. Charissa hasn't washed those pants since. Ewww.

7. MC Hammer's Sound Check. In 1998, I went to my first Cornerstone and MC Hammer was playing the main stage one night. He only played his gospel stuff and not his "Hammer Don't Hurt Them" stuff. But I happened to be down by the main stage playing frisbee that afternoon while Hammer was doing his sound check. And he did "Too Legit." Oh yah.

6. Ouch II. At one concert, this young girl in front of me stood up on her boyfriend's shoulders to stage dive. The problem was that she dove forward instead of backward. Why's this a problem? Because she dove toward the backs of people's heads. They had no idea she was coming...and she fell flat to the floor. Surprisingly, she was fine. Perhaps not mentally.

5. Mosh Policing with Kutless. Every April, I go to Nashville's Gospel Music Week. One year, I went to this little basement club to see my favorite band at the time, Staple, play a show. I was toward the front of the crowd and a mosh pit started. I'm not into that so I stood on the outside edge of the craziness. I noticed behind me a scared mother and two little girls. And yet the craziness continued and the guys kept pushing into the crowd. To keep the moshing contained to a small area, I stood my ground and with two guys next to me maintained the border so that the people behind us wouldn't get trampled. After a minute or tow, I looked up to realize that the other tow guys standing on the edge pushing back the moshers were the guitarist and bassist for Kutless.

4. The unKeyboardist. The greatest moment of seeing Emery was to watch their keyboardist who does not play the keyboard. He just rocks against it repeatedly. And beats it. And yells. It takes something special to play the keyboard. It takes something more NOT to. Here's to you!

3. The Braveheart. At the very first Flatfoot 56 concert I saw, the crowd was rowdy. And the band got them rowdier. At one point, Flatfoot asked the crowd to split down the middle. The lead singer then instructed the fans to "face the crowd on the other side and pick one person out to run at. When I say, run at them and slam into them...with Christian love."

2. Mute Math's Destruction. Just recently I saw Mute Math at the Park West. They ended the show by breaking into a percussion frenzy of playing everything. Including stools. As they finished, they tore everything up--breaking lights and, for one guy, even producing blood. It was rad.

1. Pinata Surprise. At Cornerstone many years ago, Five Iron Frenzy sent 7 pinatas into the crowd. As they were being surfed around, the lead singer informed the crowd that 4 will filled with candy. 3 with Pork & Beans. One by one, the pinatas were swallowed into the crowd and you'd hear fists whacking on them and then...either joyous yells or disgusted groans as baked beans flew everywhere.

Back to Freezing. But I Have My Portable Blankey.

North Carolina is warmer than it is here. And there's no snow. Or booger-freezing air. I walked around without a coat. I didn't need gloves.

It was like heaven.

Chris, LaTonya and I left Thursday night from O'Hare to go to the Charlotte National Youth Workers' Convention. We left just hours before the blizzard began. We didn't see one flake of snow. And it was still warm enough to walk to the parking lot tram in only a hoodie.

But when we returned, I stood at the luggage pickup and put on almost every peice of clothing in my bag. My pajama pants became a scarf. My socks became my gloves. It's cold here.

We had some plane issues--but they weren't weather related. On Sunday night, we had a 7:50 EST flight out. It got bumped back to 8:15. And then 8:30. And then 9. I sat in a little airport bar and watched the Cowboys (and my fantasy runningback Marion Barber III) beat the Giants. When the game was over, I went to the screens to see what time we were now bumped back to. But our flight wasn't there. No sign of it at all. Strange.

I went to the gate. No airline rep was there. The gate was dark and shut down. A woman who looked like she'd been crying was slumped in a chair. I asked her if she was going to Chicago. "Was," she said. "They cancelled the flight." Ruh-Roh.

About 15 minutes later, a gate rep showed up and said that we'd all been transferred to a U.S. Airways flight at 10:45. Good times. Actually, it was a blessing. The little American Eagle flight we took into Charlotte was like a flying Greyhound--both in size and sturdiness of build. The wind beat that little tube around like it was nothing. So flying in a bigger U.S. Airways jet was well-appreciated. And we got sat in an exit row so we had all the leg room we wanted. Everything was coming up roses...until we landed and discovered we'd just gone from 55 degrees to 10. And so the PJ pants went around my face.

When I got home, there was a cardboard box at my door. From the return address, I saw that it was from Revell, the company that published my book. I wasn't sure what was in it. I thought it was maybe full of all the cash my book has made. Or, more likely, shredded up copies that didn't sell.

Inside, this box was one object. No card. No letter. No anything. Except for a blanket. The blanket is bright blue and rolls up and velcros together to make it a little bundle about one foot by 6 inches. When rolled up into the little bundle, one side of it has a handle to make it a handy traveling companion. Since there was no letter to explain it's arrival, I assumed that Revell just knew how cold I'd been for the last hour and thought I'd appreciate having a Portable Blanket I can carry with me. Or maybe they know that I am often in awkward situations where people say, "Hey, you aren't carrying a blanket with a handle do ya?"

I asked Camerin if she also got a Portable Blanket. She did, but hers had a Christmas card in the box with it so it wasn't quite as mysterious. With a Christmas card, it's a thought gift. Without, it's kinda creepy. I mean, who sends you random blankets. It's kinda like two weeks ago when I got an envelope at work. All that was in it: A turkey baster. True story.

Wedding Wednesday:
I had my first wedding dream last night.

I was at my wedding. It was being held outdoors. There were lots of people all lined up in white lawn chairs. There were lots of flowers and lattice-work. My Intended and I were not the only couple getting married. There were 5 couples all geting married in one ceremony--to save costs. I was at the back of the ceremony waiting my turn. My Intended was in a tent getting ready. I wouldn't see her until we approached the pastor in front of the sea of guests. Well, the first couple--some married friends of My Intended--got married. And then the second--some teacher friends of My Intended. The pastor was talking soooo much. It was taking forever. I even wandered off and played a video game. But then I came back and the third couple was still up there. After he finished with the third couple, the pastor announced that he was out of time and he'd finish next week.

My Intended came running up the aisle to me very sad. She was wearing a pink poofy dress. We were irrate and disbelieving that we weren't getting married. All of our friends and family were there. We'd paid for everything. The reception was ready to go.

And then I thought, "Well, since I'm not going on my honeymoon, I have a whole week free of plans!"