Photographic Evidence

The Matt-Charissa Connection Campaign--Day 4:

It is time to launch Phase One of The MC Campaign. What is Phase One? Well, it is to show how much these two kids need to meet. And we intend to show that through photographic evidence.

The idea for Phase One all started when we obtained a photo from Relient K security this week that shows a near-miss between Charissa and Matt T of RK. Here it is:
If you don't see Charissa, that's her in the shadows peeking out behind the giant bushy afro. She has at this point spotted Matt but he is not aware of her. Reportedly, he did turn around but Charissa just mumbled, "Oh, uh...." and wandered away.

But we here at the MC Campaign do not think that this mumbling and wandering off would happen again. We think Matt and Charissa would greatly enjoy each other's company. And so this photo got us thinking, What if we showed in photos what an actual meeting of Matt and Charissa looked like? So, we rendered some photos to show that this would be a good thing. Today, we share the first batch. More will come next week.

Here's the first. It is Matt and Charissa enjoying a sunset.

See how proud Charissa is of him? See how she's pointing as if to say, "Look, Matt"? Them being together even makes the sunset better.

The next one is a little shocking. It is what it would look like if Charissa and Matt were mugged:

The reason for this photo is to show how caring Charissa is. She is so scared for Matt. You can tell she is not worried for her own well-being, but his.

We here at PTOIT hope these photos begin to convince the world that this meeting does need to take place. Thank you.

PTOIT Special Friday Feature: Quotes of the Week

"I am glad to see we have so many Chicagoan Canadian-American Pirates at our show tonight." --Flatfoot 56 after looking out at all the flags in the audience.

"I think you are about as good for our country as Al-Qaida. It would appear, you don't know God personally. You may be a church member, but church membership won't get you any closer to heaven, than where our astronauts are right now. And I would hate to be one of your two sons." --A pastor who reads CTi publications. This is the sort of sweet Christian mail we get to articles. Way to show a light, man.

"Standout track 'Can’t Believe,' with its dream-like note-bending, is what Van Gogh would play if he had a guitar." -- A review for the band Foolish Things. My response: Wha?

The Dang French!

A Real Conversation:

The Ladyfriend (TLF): So what do you want from Portillo's?

Me: Um, a Beef and Cheddar Crouissant. I have drinks at the house, so don't worry about that. And we could share some French Fries.

TLF: Okay, so a Beef and Cheddar Crouissant and French Fries.

(Pause)

Me: Hmmm. That is really French. I didn't realize that.

(Pause.)

TLF: Do you want to change it?

Me: Gosh. It is really French. No, I guess it's OK this time.

TLF: Well, Crouissants are the best the French offer.

Me: True.

TLF: And the Beef and Cheddar concept is very English. That probably offsets it.

Me: Ya. And let's call them Freedom Fries.

Daniel Blue Bluefish

So, I have been feeling very down. Just real overwhelmed and even a tad sad at times. Well, today I decided to focus on something good and fun. So I decided that today the good thing in the world is McDonald's Happy Meals. I normally stay away from McDonalds, but when feeling blue, those french fries are a comfort food. And I got the Happy Meal beacuse they have pirate stuff in them. And I like pirates.

I got a little skull that's a magic 8-ball kind of thing. It's cool but I can never tell what the fortune says...

Anyway, my mood picked up as I ate because I was reading the Happy Meal box. It has a little key on it to figure out your pirate name:

Middle Name:
Favorite Color:
Type of fish:

When I figured out my name using the first things to pop into my head, I got Daniel Blue Bluefish. Well, that is just too repetitive and sounds silly. And then I decided on Daniel Blue Baracuda. But when you say it aloud it sounds like you are calling a football play. And Daniel Blue Rainbow Trout is just dorky.

So I have decided on Captain Daniel Blue Hammerhead. That sounds tough. Arrgh.

I also giggled because the box tries to use priates to teach kids good habits. For instance, one panel says, "Q. How did pirates stay active? A. Pirates climbed ropes, went swimming and swabbed the decks to stay active." Hmm, funny that they left out, "pillaged, stabbed people and kicked helpless women and children." Also, I don't think they swabbed the decks to stay active.

Scurvy Pete: "Hey, Bluebeard. You bored?"

Bluebeard: "Ya, I need to get some exercise. I am all mopey. Maybe I will clean. Wanna join me?"

It was more that they did what told or they got a blade in the gullet! That kept them active!

And then the Happy Meal tries to trick children by saying, "Ask your mom if you can swab the kitchen floor!" Don't kids! It's a trap! That's not fun, that's work!

Cornerstone 2006

This is Cornerstone. Near riots pulsating inside 400 degree tents. Sleeping outdoors to the echoes of metalcore growling. And guys in banana costumes.

On late Saturday night I returned home from 4 days at Cornerstone with Youth Group Kid Ethan, The Ladyfriend and my friend Charissa. It was a different year at C-stone for me, but very rewarding. One big difference is that my flesh didn't melt off. Usually, misery is a defining trait of the festival because it's always 125 degress outside of the concert tents and 400 degrees inside them. This year, it was beautiful. It was 80 in the days and 60s at night. We even wore sweatshirts.

The festival also didn't seem to be as crowded this year. The last time I went was about 3 years ago and in the 5-year stretch I went, the attendance was always about 25,000 or more. This year's crowd had to be less than 20,000. There was still lots of people. Most shows were pakced. But what the slightly-dipped attendance meant was that people pretty much camped in the normal spots and weren't forced to pitch tents in crazy places like driveways and 90 degree slopes.

We got a nice shady and spacious camping spot on a hill out in an area called "The Shire." That is a fitting name. It was quiet and cozy. And there were hobbits. Anyway, we set up our tents around these two big trees that formed a neat little "living room" for us to hang out in and chat. The hill then sloped down a few feet to the tents...and then went down on a big slope down to the road which took us on a 5-minute walk to Cornerstone's main drag.

Another interesting thing I noticed this year was that there were still the typical Cornstone mean-looking people in mohawks, tatoos and dog collars but more than that there were lots and lots of costumes. We saw Braveheart, a banana, two koalas, several cows, Link from The Legend of Zelda, Mario from Maro Bros, Gumby and more. There were also a lot of flags. All of this made for very lively sights at shows. (You can see snippetts of shows here.) This leads me to my Top 5 Cornerstone Music Moments.

5. The Wedding's Open Door Policy. At the concert of pop-punk band The Wedding, it seemed as if just anyone could go up and sing. They had a large group of their friends sitting off to the side of the stage and every once in while, random people from that group would walk up to the mic and start singing. It was very democratic.

4. Family Force 5's headstands. New Gotee artist Family Force 5 puts on an amazing, high octane show. It is just crazy. They are showmen. One guy makes mean faces the whole time. Another gets down on the keytar. And then they have a 6th guy who plays no instruments but just dances...and throws things at the other members. At the end of one song, they all--even the drummer--ended in a headstand except for Nadaddy, the keyboardist and DJ--who stood triumphantly above them all.

3. Anberlin's tears. I've always liked Anberlin--who actually started their career by playing Cornerstone on what C-stoners call a "generator stage," which is just playing on amps in your campsite. But this week I got to see their lead singer do a press confernce and I fell in love with the band and their ministry. Talking about his persoanl realtionship with Jesus and how he is angered by anyone who tries to "sell" Jesus, he got choked up and actually began to cry. This is a man with a deep faith, real convictions, and a missionary's heart. That all makes up for how much he looks and acts like Rod Stewart on stage. You will eventually be able to hear a podcast of the interview here.

2. Staple's Farewell Prayer. As readers know, I am a huge fan of hardcore band Staple. And I was broken up when they announced they were hanging it up. But I got to see one of their last shows on Saturday night. I went to the show by myself and stood near the stage and let the rock heaven wash upon me. The show was higlighted by crowd chants of "Don't break up!" and the lead singer's honest, vulnerable and dynamic stage presence. They. Rocked. The. House. I found out later that Ethan couldn't find the band he'd been looking for and watched Staple from the back. He's not a fan but admitted, "That was an amazing amazing show." After the last song, the crowd brought them back on for an encore (which is actually rare for Cornerstone because of the tight schedules needed to fit 300 bands on 11 stages). But before they played, the stage manager brought them out and led the crowd in prayer for this band and their next chapter. Seeing the crowd with hands extended and heads bowed was humbling and moving. And it was a fitting salute to a thoughtful, godly--and rawking--band.

1. The Braveheart. The photo (taken by Phil Blair for Cornerstone) at the top of today's blog was taken at Thursday night's Flatfoot 56 show. Flatfoot is a Chicago-based Irish punk band. They're like The Clash or Rancid with bagpipes. I've become a big fan since getting their album a few weeks ago. But I didn't anticipate their show. It was the craziest, most fun time I've maybe ever had at a concert. They just go nuts--and invite fans to do the same. First of all, the three brothers in the band are about 9 feet tall. And they command the stage with an everyguy, jokey persona. It's like you are just at their practice. They goof around, tell jokes and even play a punk version of "Do your ears hang low?" But the defining feature is the rowdiness. There were people climbing the tent poles. There was a full-tent-sized circle pit. There were the many flags held by fans around around the tent which then, as the music started, slowly moved to the center, and began rotating quickly around the center in circle pits. And then there was The Braveheart. Flatfoot instructed the audience to part in the middle and face each other. The crowd then shouted "Oi" back and forth between the sides to build themselves into a frenzy before--to the rawkus sounds of the band--charging at each other and slamming into whoever was opposite you. It was insane. But awesome. Like at the Emery concert a few moths ago, I was impressed by how these Christians could mosh so well--but then pick each other up and show real compassion for each other. Both Flatfoot concerts I saw ended with Flatfoot's awesome cover of "Amazing Grace." Druing the slower, bagpiped part, the crowd joined with arms around each other and sawyed back and forth. And when the music picked up, the hitting resumed.

There were other great concert moments. David Crowder, House of Heroes, MxPx, Relient K and Kids in the Way all put on great shows. RK's Matt T clubbing people in the face with beach balls, MxPx's energy and charmisma, and Crowder's sly witty comments all made the week.

I also had a great time just chilling with our group. And playing Xtreme Bocce Ball. By the end of the week I saw the four of us falling into typical "family" roles. I was so the dad--keeping Ethan in line and such. Apparently my line of the week was, "Ethan, be careful." One particular challenge the two of us had was that Ethan liked to be the one who drained the melted ice from the cooler--but he'd do it in the middle of camp so we'd be sitting in mud...and the hill would allow the water to flow right into the tents. The Ladyfriend fell into the role of the saucy and entrancing nextdoor nieghbor lady who the dad is sweet on. And Charissa? Well, I realized on Saturday morning that she was the cool aunt who kept egging on Ethan so I'd have to yell at him more.

Perhaps the most meaningful thing to come out of the week is that Charissa decided that Matt Theissen of Relient K is a really cool guy who'd she'd like to meet. And so, this launches the newest PTOIT campaign: The Matt-Charissa Connection Campaign. We here at PTOIT vow to do everything possible to unite these crazy kids. We won't rest until they meet! Stay tuned as we count down from today (Day 1) to the inevitable day they meet.

Happy 3rd of July

Well, I told you all about being called "huggable" in front of the whole company. Here's the official company photo of me accepting my Award of Service from my boss:

So you see, it's not just me who's a big dork. It's mandated corporately. Thank to Emily for the pic.

And here's another work photo:

That's me finding new accessories for my office (with Heidi's help). What better place is there to find great bargains. I mean, it is a big eagle statue! And yah, I was being paid during the taking of each of these photos. And they both appeared in the last company newsletter so...hear that sound? It's the last vestiges of my credibility being sucked dry.

Lisa has introduced to a new blog fad. Or new to me. Apparently, people "tag" you to write about certain things. It's kinda like a blogging version of chain mail. If I don't do it I think I blow up or something. And we don't want that.

So, I need to list the seven songs I am "into" right now. This is easier to compile than those "5 favorite song" lists because it's about what's bending my ear right now. That's less pressure. So, in no order, here you go:

1. "Represent" by Pettidee
2. "The Coldest Heart" by The Classic Crime
3. "Out of Reach" by Sarah Kelly (This album isn't out yet, but this song features A November Rain-ish guitar solo from Slash. Oh yes, that Slash.)
4. "You Really Got Me" by Van Halen
5. "Grillz" by Nelly. (Who can't love lines like, "You should call me George Foreman, I'm selling so many grillz.")

6. "Jesus Freak" by Chasing Victory. (This comes off of the tribute album to dcTalk. I love when bands scream. )

7. "Ain't No Other Man" by Christina Aguilera. (Yah, I said it. I like it. But before you start hating, go listen to it. This is some tight stuff.)

If you have a blog, tell me what 7 tunes you can't get away from right now.

So, yesterday was a cool God moment. On Saturday, the Ladyfriend and I drove 4 hours to a picnic with her family. Good times. But we didn't get back to her mom's house until late and decided to stay there instead of driving the additional 30 minutes for The Ladyfriend and hour for me. The main reason we stayed out there was that The Ladyfriend had to work at her church's west campus early Sunday--and that's 10 minutes from her mom's house. So it just made sense to stay. But I wanted to go home. I've been running so much lately, I am never home. I wanted to sleep in and clean my house and just veg. I was kinda burnt out on seeing people.

But instead, The Ladyfriend got up way early and went to work and I got to sleep in and just drove over for the late service. When I got there, I grabbed a seat in the back. But during the greetings, my old friends Becki and Joey came over! I haven't seen them in almost two years. They live out there now. But how weird that we ended up at the same church service. It was my first time there ever. And their first Sunday back after a 5-month absence to church shop. They were going to go to the early service but ran late and just went to the later one. And just on a whim, they'd arranged for a babysitter jsut so they could have a few free hours in the afternoon. So, they got to come out to lunch with us. It was great--and a lot better than vegging on my couch.

Well, this will be the last blog entry for awhile. I am off to Cornerstone! Check out this story about the festival written by a skilled and handsome reporter. I'll be back July 10. Rock on.

Ficus Trees and Whale Watching

So, I have this ficus tree. And when I first bought it, his health wasn't so good. But now, thanks to not watering him as much and putting him outside, he is just a speciman of perfect health and greenery. But one day I thought, "I should look up how to care for a ficus." They are a tempermental plant. Well, I found this advertising site. The reason I bring it up is because of how passionate this man is about ficus. My favorite part is the little kicker at the top that reads, "Ticked Off Ficus Grower Gets EVEN!"

I like my ficus and everything, but other than plywood I cannot think of anything less likely to make someone so passionate.

I saw this news story the other day: Researchers in Japan have figured out why birthrates in Japan are so low. "Japanese people simply aren't having sex," said the Japan Family Planning Association. Well, the funny thing to me is not the article--but the photo that Yahoo News posted with it here. Seriously, check it out: Apparently, the Japanese are not having sex because they are too busy at the aquarium? Whale watching is getting in the way of romance? Whaaa? But hey, a headline at Christianity Today this week assures us that if the Japanese aren't getting busy, someone is.

Speaking of funny headlines, this one isn't. You're just trying too hard, E! News. And to think I trust you for my celebrity dish.

Off to the right you will see a new link to the "TeDiuM Podcast." This is a 55-minute audio file of me, Doug V. and Marc talking. Ya, 55 minutes of us talking. You are already stoked aren't you? Well, this is our first attempt at a podcast and we think it's fun--it's like a little talk radio show. We had some mic issues so there are rough spots but we look forward to improving on that in future episodes. Yes, there will be more. Whether you like it or not.

PTOIT Special Feature: Quotes of the Week

"What's wrong? Are you doing OK? Do you need to talk?" --Doug F., after I told him I was listening to Dashboard Confessional.

"I don't like the Cubs, but I really like tongs." --My friend Holly, logically explaining why her allegience is now with the North Siders. It all has to do with a bad experience at Comiskey and people using their fingers to grab hot dogs.

"Does that man sell toys?" --Doug F's son after seeing my office.

"Parents are hiding their kids behind their legs, pointing at me and whispering, 'That's the guy.'" --Ozzie Guillen

Gadunkgadunkphobia

I have an admission to make. I have Ga-dunk-ga-dunkphobia.

You see, I am afraid of Missy Elliot. I'm not sure when it began, but for the last several years I have found myself really scared of her. I get the shivers when I hear her on the radio. When I see her videos, I kinda hide behind my hands so she won't see me. I just have this irrational fear that she's coming after me.

I realize that the real Missy may be really very charming, but her public persona creeps me out. One part of it could be that I know she could kick my butt. But more than that, what unsettles me is how forcefully sexual she is. Have you ever read her lyrics? Here's an example:

Can I put my booty booty up in your spaghetti?

Yikes. How do you answer that question? That's just not polite conversation. But seriously, many hip hoppers use language like that--or worse. And unfortunately it is somehow more culturally accepted from men and not women. But that's not really where my phobia comes from. Instead, it is how militant and threatening Miss Demeanor is in her sexuality. I feel uneasy and threatened. It's as if she's not just singing about sex, but instead threatening to come after me. At least she asked about my spaghetti. She doesn't always. Take this lyric for example:

Pretty boy here I come/On the count of three/ Me and you gonna get romantically

That sounds like a threat. I have no say in this? No, Miss Demeanor is in the house and she is in charge. Here's another thinly veiled and forceful threat:

Keep your eyes on my bum-bum-bum-bum-bum.

Or else what? What will the bum-bum-bum-bum-bum do if I do not carefully watch it? This is what I am afraid of. I don't know exactly what the bum-bum-bum-bum-bum is capable of if left unsupervised. I kinda feel like a suprise guerilla attack of the bum-bum-bum-bum-bum could happen at any time. "Watch for it, " Missy threatens. "It's coming for you." In another song, she suggests that the bum-bum-bum-bum-bum will "go boom." And that is all the more frightening. I don't want anything to go boom.

Missy elevates the negative emotions by being demeaning and challenging. She makes me feel like less of a man by questioning whether I could match up with her in lines like:

Think you can handle this ga-dunk ga-dunk dunk?

Since I don't even know what a "ga-dunk ga-dunk dunk" is, I feel inadequete and again threatened. I am not sure I could handle it. As I look at the facts, maybe this is no phobia. Maybe I am right to be wary. Perhaps I am the only one truly taking Missy's warnings about the bum-bum-bum-bum seriously. But I will be watching and waiting for the attack--because as she says, "I be creeping and creeping."

Grubby Thomas Edison

Tuesday Special Feature: Fun with Google

Today's Search Terms: "Phonograph" and "War"

The Results:

Photo #1: This is apparently Thomas Edison. Well, at least that's what the file name said. He looks awfully grubby. I guess it makes sense that a great inventor wouldn't always be dressed up and snappy though. I guess the reason I find it odd is that I am used to seeing all those recreations of history where everyone from the past is wearing nice suits and sharp hats while doing anything--even inventing. But hey, Thomas Edison can be grubby.

Photo #2: Today's feature is quickly becoming a history lesson. Serves me right for not having either search term related to monkeys. Well, this picture is hard to make out but it is of soliders in the trenches listening to a phonograph. I like to imagine they are listening to Kanye West.

Photo #3: The caption points out that this is a posed photo of Germans opening Christmas gifts. They don't look very happy. But maybe that's because all they got were Kaiser Helmets.

Photo #4: This is the kind of historical photo I am used to! See how snappy everyone looks? That man on the left is awfully keen. Not grubby at all. This is how I imagine the phonograph being invented. Either that, or they are trying to ease drop across the river. And check out those things under the table. Was Edison toying with time travel? Robots?

Keep the Change

There is a reason why I keep a ton of change in my car. Last night at the supermarket, my milk and soda was $4. But I only had $2. And they don't let you pay with debit unless it's over $5. And no credit unless over $10. So, I was screwed. The milk alone was over my $2. So, I asked them to hold it and I checked the truck. Whew. Change galore. I almost added items just to show that I could.

I played perhaps the best game of Ultimate Frisbee of my life last night. (Of course it'd be about a mediocre game for anyone athletic.) As per my style, I made lots of diving catches. That's mainly because I lose balance and fall over a lot. But it look more exciting. I had grass in my underwear. That's when you know you played hard.

And then, I was so tired I laid on my couch all night watching the Sox-Cardinals pitching duel. Good game. I was kinda hoping that after Jermaine Dye reached on that error that AJ could have gotten him in on a sac fly. Then, we could have won even if the opposing pitcher got a no-hitter. That would have been funny. Instead, we got one hit--a bomb by Mr. Incredible, Jim Thome.

I thought I'd share something today. I cleaned out my old bedroom's closet back home at Easter. I've slowly been going through all the old papers and baseball cards. Last night, I found a bunch of old stories a young Todd wrote. First off, they are bad. Second, they are really dark and hopeless. This really got me. I am not sure what that is all about at all. To let you see what I mean, here's a short story I wrote:

The Nine Planets

Once there were nine small spherical shapes grouped together in a tiny cluster. Each was inhabited by tiny lifeforms who took care of their domain and really only concerned themselves with their own lives. Though they all knew of the other eight planets, they knew not of the creatures who lived there. Instead, they assumed they were the only ones who mattered. Every day, the entities on each planet wondered, "Who are we? Why are we here? Where is here?"

Until one day, a giant white mass entered their vicinity, traveling faster and faster. One after another, the planets were hit by the white mass. The impact sent the planets flying in different directions. One after another, the small planets fell into six tremendous blackholes.

As all this happened, there was one brief moment when all the lifeforms realized the answers to their questions. For that brief second, they all came to the realization that they were just balls on a pool table in an intergalactic bar somewhere.

I honestly am not sure where this lack of meaning and existential edge came from. If it were just this one story I'd be like, "Whatever." But I was really caught up in this idea of just hopeless abandon and meaninglessness. Maybe I was reading some dark stuff. I did like Camus and have always been drawn to darker movies where things don't end nicely. Or maybe my faith just wasn't making sense to me yet and so I didn't get the hope and menaing that provides into a life.

But whatever the case, we can all agree that short story is pretty bad.

Quotes of the Week

"Bake from scratch? Who wrote this list? There's also apparently a bird house and dancing involved.. I don't want any of this before I go to heaven." - Doug F. reading a magazine's list of "The 10 Things to do Before Going to Heaven."

"Whenever AJ has doubt, he just runs to first in hopes they will let him stay." -John Miller on ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball.

I am man

I woke up this morning, looked out the window and my first rational thought of the day was, "Dang it is raining. I really want to play softball tonight." That's when you know you are still 12.

Oh, I want to direct people over to Marc's blog to see our latest prank. (No, it is not the 30-foot Virgin Mary. Scroll past that...) This time it was on a girl who has nothing to do with our prank wars. We just want everyone to know they are not safe.

I finished an article last night for Christian Single magazine. It was a really enjoyable assignment and I'm actually kinda proud of it. The topic was communication gaffs that occur in realtionships because men and women talk different languages: men analyzing while women are sympathizing; men living in the moment when women are looking big picture; men being direct while women infer; and men talking generally while women process literally.

My research and interviewing folks for the article also helped me learn some things about the way I communicate. It also made situations in my past suddenly make more sense. Oh, that's why she reacted that way, I thought.

For instance, when I was in college I was starting to see this girl. I told her that I'd call her Friday afternoon. Well, on Friday I called at 5:30. She was very cold and distant. I found out later, through a friend, that she was upset because I called Friday NIGHT, not afternoon. Now, I still maintain that 5:30 is the afternoon, or maybe early evening. But doing this article, I saw that women are more literal than most guys. Hence the issue.

I had fun with this article because they wanted a light approach and a "dating dictionary" of phrases and what they mean to both a man or woman. Here's an example:

Fine /fīn / When asked about their day, women mean: “Things are well. I have stories to illustrate. I cannot wait to tell you them and connect.” Men mean: “I have nothing of note to report."

I will call you /ī wil kal yü/ Women mean: “I will call you. Maybe before I even get home.” Men mean: “I might call you. But the game’s on now. Perhaps in several days or weeks.”

Speaking of articles, I've updated the links at the right. I mainly did this because Randy found what has in the last 3 hours become my favorite blog. When I used to work for Randy, we'd often critique bad comics for their complete idiocy. And this guy went a step farther and created a blog out of it. Brilliant!

You know, I miss making fun of Mutts so much, we may have hit on to a new weekly feature here at PTOIT!

Huggability

Today was our office's Quarterly Luncheon. They celebrated my fifth year anniversary at CTi. I can't believe I've been here for 5 years. I remember my first luncheon and seeing people being honored for five years and thinking, "Dang, they must be like lifers here." Well, now I am one of those old grisly vets.

Part of being honored at these events is that you stand up front of everyone (we have about 160 employees) and your supervisor talks about you. I could not believe I was so nervous about this. I am an extrovert. I love attention. And I've always done plays and talks and stuff. I rarely get nervous. But today was the first time in a long time that my stomach was funny because of getting in front of people. I finally figured out that it wasn't being in front of people, it was being in front of people and being praised. Sure, I could have gotten up there and done the talking. Or even put on a little puppet show. No problem. But I didn't like the idea of standing in front of people and hearing nice things said about me.

Val was also honored today and I told her that I almost brought my GameBoy to play while my boss was talking so I had something to do. But I didn't. Instead I listened while Chris read "7 Reasons Why Todd is Cool."

Number one is "his high level of huggability." After this, I got to hug both Chris and a major bigwig in front of everyone. It was good times. Chris didn't explain it today to the staff, but there is a story here. The story is that CTi is looking for a new CEO and Chris asked our staff one day for a trait that we would want in our new leader. I e-mailed back one word: "Huggability."

So my thinking is that maybe I am in line to be the new CEO now?

Do You Identify With Platypus?

PTOIT Quotes of the Week

"It's darn near impossible to take me out of my focus. No earthly mortal can do it. No animal." -Shaq.

"I don't think a lot of people will identify with the word platypus in a headline." --Marilyn, our magazine's editorial administrator during a real headline session for the magazine. Yes, this is the kind of hard decisions we have to make.

"You can buy your coffin here." -Marc, pointing out the amazing selection of Cost-Co.

"Uh oh. That guy is wearing real baseball pants. This does not bode well." -Charissa, scouting out the other team at our softball game.

"This team has three Testas. That's a lot of Testas." -Charissa again, checking out the jerseys of the other team.

The Search is Back On!

Monkey Search 2006: CASE REOPENED!

Status: Today on the comments board, we got an anonymous tip. Someone suggested doing a "Fun with Google" exercise by entering the search terms "Fez" and "Monkey" into Google Images to see if it would produce any leads. Well, because the search for my little pencil-topper monkey was closed, I thought it would be best to just let sleeping dogs lie. But, curiousity got the better of me. And here is what we found:

Photo #1: Nice. It could be a painting done of Red Fez Monkey. But as far as I know, he was not a martini drinker.

Photo #2: Well, again not him but he did always like dinosaurs. And who doesn't love monkeys and dinosaurs together? Oh that's right, girls don't (see Editor's note*).

Photo #3: What a good little monkey! But he is not plastic. Or a pencil topper.

Photo #4: Hee hee. Monkey acting like a person! haha.

Photo #5: Red Fez, is that you?

Photo #6: Oh my Goodness! It is him! It's Red Fez Monkey! This is photographic evidence that he is still out there! This photo was found on this site (where you can also get your own little happy buddha!). So, I will look into these monkey slave traders and see how they got Red Fez and where they sold him! The search is on!

*Editor's Note:
As the Monkey Search resumes, let me take this opportunity to talk about monkeys. It has become apparent to me that this blog is very much monkey focused right now. And to me, that is a little slice of heaven. But I think I am perhaps turning off half of the readership out there. You see, I've discovered that females don't get monkeys. They don't understand the fundamental obsession men have with them. But it is just genetic.

Last night, Emily mentioned going home to watch King Kong. I mentioned that the best part of this film is by far the Monkey vs. Dinosaur fight. I could watch it for hours. But The Ladyfriend said, "No, that was the most boring part of the movie. The best part is when she's sitting in his hand and they understand each other..." (At this point there was a lot of mushy girl talk about romance and sunsets and lovey dovey stuff but I tuned that out and thought about monkeys riding bicycles and smoking pipes).

I think the fact that The Ladyfriend only enjoyed the romance shows the chief difference between men and women: To men, Monkeys are just funny or cool. There's no sweet, romantic use for them. They are either great comedy or neat to see hit stuff with sticks. But maybe this isn't just with monkeys. I guess this kind of goes with anything: Men and women see the same thing, but yet see completely different things.

Day by Day by Day

Today, I thought I would offer tidbits from each day of my weekend:

Friday: After seeing Brian Anderson's amazing catch live at the Sox game, I am more adamant than ever that The Greatest American Hero stays in the big leagues. It was a great game to be at and the crowd's reaction to that catch was awesome. I don't care if his bat hasn't caught on yet. His fielding saves us runs. Without him that night, Cleveland plates two and we lose. Those runs subtracted are just as good as runs added. And then last night, he did his best to ignite the comeback. (And got two hits!) I am glad Ozzie has chosen to stick with the kid.

Saturday: The Ladyfriend and I went to one of her cousin's wedding. At the reception, I was sitting down at our table when I noticed that one of the glass candle holders in front of the Father of the Ladyfriend (FotLF) was tipped on it's side. The wick was out but wax was spilt across the table. I gave a look to the FotLF. He said, "I tried to move it. But it's hot. I burnt my finger."

I responded: "Do you want me to get some ice for you?"

He didn't answer my question but instead turned to The Ladyfriend, who was talking to someone else and oblivious of the candle incident.

He said to her, "Can I see your beer?" Unquestioningly, she held it out to him and without any warning, he just stuck his finger in it. And after about 5 seconds said, "There, that's better" and handed the beer back to her.

I then went to get her another beer.

Sunday: As we were driving home from the wedding weekend with the Sister of the Ladyfriend (SotLF), she decided to get a carwash. She rolled down her window, paid for the wash and began to pull into the Carwash. The Ladyfriend says, "You'd better roll up your window."

SotLF snaps back, "I will, Bossy."

Right then--and I mean RIGHT then--a spurt of water shoots out of the sides of the carwash and right into her window. Not only was it perfect timing, but I have never seen a surprise, guerilla water squirt in a carwash. We weren't even stopped yet. So I decided that we must have been on PUNK'd.

PTOIT Special Feature: Dream Log!

Date: May 26, 2006

I am at Wrigley Field for a Sox-Cubs game and Mark Buehrle pitches a perfect game. (I don't include this here because it was a very detailed dream--but instead only because I think I may be a Baseball Prophet and I want public witnesses when this does happen next month.)

Sox vs.Tigers

Well, The White Sox have taken 2 of 3 at home against the Tigers. That's good. But this series got me thinking a lot about this AL Central race. I've heard a few people this week (well, before we won 2 of 3) continue talk of Detroit being a magical team of destiny this season. I am still skeptical. I honestly am not sure that the Sox will fare better from here on out or are themselves a "team of destiny" again, but there is one area where Tiger fans have to be worried. It also points to the areas that will decide this whole Battle Royale.

30 of Detriot's 38 wins have come against below .500 teams. Now, that sounds worse than it is really because there's only six teams in the American league above .500. And only 14 in baseball overall. And Detroit has only played 20 games against above .500 opponents vs. 44 against the below .500-ers.

While Detroit (and the Sox too) are relatively untested when it comes to playing good teams, The Tigers have not fared well against above .500 teams so far. Against the Yankees, Red Sox and White Sox, they are 3-10. Against all the above .500 teams they've played (NY, Boston, CWS, Texas and Cinncinatti) they are 8-12.

Meanwhile, the Sox have only played 13 games against above .500 teams and are 9-4. So they have the edge there, but have not played New York or Boston. And they are not doing as well as Detorit against the must-beat teams.

So, there's two big factors to watch in the win-loses here. One, How will both teams do as they both enter Junes and Julys versus the big dogs? Detorit has to prove they can beat teams of their same caliber or better. And Chicago has to keep their above .500 ways agaisnt above .500 teams when they get a shot at teams better than just Texas, Detroit and Toronto. Besides, the only reason, the Sox are above .500 against these teams is because they've beat the Tigers 5 out of 6.

And two, how will they both continue to play agaisnt the sub-par teams? The White Sox have got to consistently beat the below .500 teams. Detroit is doing this well and could ride that to the Division championship. Because there are more teams in the American league under .500, a team could just beat up on them, go .500 (or even less) against the better teams and coast to the playoffs. The Sox are 27-17 against the lower teams (compared to Detroit's 30-11). They've lost 3 of 9 to KC, 2 of 3 to the Devil Rays, and 6 of 9 to Cleveland. Detroit, on the other hand, is 8-0 against the Royals. So, if they keep doing what a winner should--beating the cruddy teams, the Sox may be in trouble.

So, I am waiting to see Detroit beat good teams. And I am hoping, wishing and waiting for the Sox to start playing consistent ball against the teams they should be beating.

And the Sox and Tigers still play 13 more times. If the Sox keep their average agaisnt the Tigs, that will surely help...

PTOIT Quotes of the Week:

"I do more to win people to The Classic Crime than I do for Christ. That's probably a problem." -Charissa, about evangelizing her favorite band.

"You can tell me whatever you want about facial hair, but when it is 90 degrees out, that just doesn't feel good." --Ed Farmer, radio broadcaster for the Chicago White Sox.

"Hey Canadian Terrorists, you hate Canada? That's like saying you hate toast." - Jon Stewart, in a Daily Show story about 14 terrorists arrested for threats against Canada. Eh.

"Finding Zarqawi's replacement will be tough. You have to hate the West and have management skills. You have to possess people skills--but hate people." - Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee about the HR crisis following the assassination of terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

CSI: My Office

Monkey Search 2006: Day 29

Status Report: Few people know that there's a 29-day cutoff to searches in missing monkey cases. But there is. 29 days ago, the Red Fez Monkey disappeared from his little boat on my desk. And there's been no sign of him since despite tireless search efforts.

Because of the lack of resolution, the police have closed the books on this case. But to try an make since of this mess, I needed to press a little further. And I now have an exclusive. On the right is a crime scene photo I took from the police file, when I was signing the Closed Case documents. While it doesn't solve everything, it does offer some clues.

You can see here how close the boat is to the garbage can. I am fearing that Red Fez Monkey either took his own life by diving into the garbage or was pushed (by the stormtrooper?).

Or maybe he fell in by accident.

Action Steps: I could hire an outside investigator to continue Monkey Search 2006, but honestly, it is just time to move on.

Good bye, Red Fez Monkey.

That's the Way to Fund Raise

At youth group on Sunday, our leader Jen told us all that our pastor is very excited about the youth putting on a Haunted House in our new basement next fall as a fund raiser and outreach. The kids were getting really excited. But I wanted to ask if the other counselors felt there'd be flak from more conservative attendees of the church. So in front of all the kids, I began talking: "So, do you think there will be any reservations from older people about holding a..."

At this point of talking, I was still forming the question in my mind. I thought about saying "House of Horrors" instead of "Haunted House." And then, for some reason, "Horror House" seemed like a good idea. What people heard was this:

"So, do you think there will be any reservations from older people about holding a Whore House in the church basement?"

After the laughing subsided, it was decided that, yes, there would probably be reservations.

Things That Make You Go...

Big weekend. I played six hours of Battlefront II yesterday. I played Ultimate Frisbee with youth group kids and listened to their whining about running too much (what is wrong with the Youth of America that I am wanting to run more than them?) And I went hiking at Starved Rock (Did you know the Native Americans actually built wooden stairs and pathways to make it easier to hike?).

Two thoughts struck me this weekend (hey, it is the weekend. Two thoughts over three days ain't bad!). The first came at Starved Rock.

There was a family with a dog in one of the canyons. He was running around and playing in the water. Well, at one part of the canyon was as slick rock slope. And he kinda tentatively inched further and further on it to check it out. And of course, he went to far and slid down into the water at the bottom. This really struck me as a illustration of how we slide down slippery slopes in our sins and struggles.

But what really got me was what the dog did the bottom. He just kept trying to climb back up that slippery rock to no avial. He struggled and struggled and struggled. He couldn't figure out that if he just turned around, he could just walk up the gradual dirt slope. Instead, he stayed right at the spot where he fell and tried in vain to climb out the same way he slid in.

And this is the best part: His family began to call the dog's name and lead him out of the pit. The woman walked around to the other side and called him to show him the way out. Only when he stopped fussing, whining and clawing did he hear her voice and follow her along the easy way out. Isn't this always the way with our struggles and sins? Man, I've had a situation like this in the last year. I just kept sliding down that depressing slippery rockface into the same puddle. And I'd try to climb out. But the only real way out was by listening and following.

The second thought this weekend is just as thought-provoking. It's about urinals.

After seing X-Men 3 Friday night, I went into the theater bathroom to find a line of about 7 guys waiting for the urinals. Well, then I notice that despite the long line, two urinals are not being used. They are the kid urinals--set about 6 inches lower on the wall. But they are still fully operational. There's no greater exposure. In fact, there's no real difference to these urinals except that they are a tad lower. That's it. And, you know, gravity does it's job.

But there must be a lack of macho street cred with using a kid's urinal. But I am not afraid. I said to the line ahead of me, "So, none of you are going to use those?" No one said anything (probably because of the unwritten Guy Code that you don't speak in the bathroom.) And so I bucked the line and went to one of the smaller urinals. When I was finished, only one guy in the line had gotten to go yet. And still, no one else followed my lead. They just waited.

And you know that one of them is blogging somewhere about the girly man who used the kiddie urinal instead of being a man and waiting.

PTOIT Quotes of the Week

"Fidel Castro's doctor denied rumours that the president's health was ailing, saying today the 77-year-old leader is in excellent health and claiming he can live at least 140 years. 'I am not exaggerating,' said Mr Selman." --From a wire story that raises the question, "How long would Castro's doc live if he didn't say things like this?"

"All of [the warnings] come too late for Emery, a secretary in the political science department, who still winces when she recounts what happened to her on a June afternoon she took a shortcut through Thompson Woods. She heard a rustling and saw 'this deer headed right toward me, full charge." -- From a very melodramatic and overwrought story about deer attacks at Southern Illinois University.

"I was wrong." --Lost's Locke.

"The fans are crazy. God bless White Sox fans. Get punched in the face and you're a hero. You get a standing ovation for getting your [butt] kicked and because you strike out. I've never seen that before. Good for AJ. He's bigger than me now." --Ozzie Guillen, trying to explain AJ's folk hero status with Sox fans.

"I have learned over the years, never to say never. If people say they've got a bear in their backyard, I have to believe them. He's right here on frat row with people walking around. This is not a place we want a bear." --A local police officer in yet another Bear Attack story.

The Controversial Code

I saw The Da Vinci Code last night. I've heard all week that it was a bad movie. And our company's movie site gave it 1.5 stars. But I liked it. I haven't read the book, but I thought it was interesting. It wasn't boring or over-talky like I've heard. It was, for the most part, a good mystery. Of course, it is all made up and wrong...but it's a good mystery.

Did you know that the movie is kinda controversial? Well, apparently it is. It seems that the albinos of the world are upset that an albino was protrayed as a villian. They say that this is the 68th movie since 1960 to make an albino character evil. Where are all these evil albino movies? Perhaps we don't know about them because the albino audience doesn't support them and they fail terribly at the box office. Or maybe they are counting all of Nicole Kidman movies. She is really pale. But I wouldn't call her evil.

Update: Perceptive reader Marc from Illinois did think of an evil abino, tho. The torturer with the wheelbarrow (left) from The Princess Bride. Good catch, Marc. But I would submit that he may have been more misunderstood than evil. Or maybe executioner/torturer was the only employment option available to him. We just don't know. But whatever the case, it wasn't exactly a positive portrayal.

And the Associated Press listed these portrayals: The dreadlocked twins in The Matrix Reloaded, a powder-haired hit man in the Chevy Chase-Goldie Hawn crime romp Foul Play, the pasty zombies in The Omega Man, and a sadistic killer in Cold Mountain. Whew, good thing nobody saw any of those movies.

Check out the defense from actor Paul Bettany: “I think it’s no more a comment on albinos than it is on monks, and no more a comment on monks than it is on people who wear sandals.” Dang it, now they are going after sandal wearers. Darn you, Da Vinci Code!

Frank, Bunts and Squirrels

Last night's baseball game was the best of both worlds for a Sox fan. On one hand, we got to see Frank return to his old park for the first time as an Oakland A and blast two homers--something he was very used to doing here. And then, we still won.

It was an eventful night what with Frank's blast, a wild squirrel on the field (and Pablo Ozuna chasing it around), and then the outstanding comeback to win. I really had resigned to that being a loss when it was 4-0 in the top of the 8th. It was a great game to see.

I've seen one walk-off, game-winning homer live before (by Konerko). But this was the first game-winning, walk-off bunt I've seen in person. And how sweet it was. It was like the end of Major Leagues. I was shocked as Pablo Ozuna's bat went down for the bunt and AJ start running from third. That's gutsy. I found myself repeatedly thinking, "What just happened? Did we really just win?" Mr. Clutch Pablo Ozuna went from squirrel chaser to game-winner in just 9 innings.

The way we won with Frank in the house made me see the difference between the club now and then. Frank blasted two bombs, but his team still loses. Homers only go so far. And sure, our comeback was relient on homers by J. Dye and Super Sub Rob Mackowiak. But the win was sealed by small ball. Get them on, get them over, and get them in. A squeeze bunt to win. That is something that didn't happen in the Maggs-Lee-Frank days.

And so, I will always remember Frank as the Best. White. Sock. Ever. And it is hard to see him in that olive green uniform hitting homers against us. But, we are a new team now. A team of squirrel-chasing, base-stealing, 2-out bunting, catcher-demolishing, first-base-stealing grinders. Amen.

I promise, non-Sox fans that the I will return to non-Sox posts soon. Oh, but here is something for everyone to enjoy on the White Sox blog. Read down on the May 22 post for a very funny Ozzie Guillen story. The craziest part of the story? Ozzie gets his nails done?

The Animals are Getting Smarter

When I arrived to work today, my boss had a special surprise: Cupcakes with little monkeys on the top. Even better--the monkey faces topping the cupcakes are rings. Oh, yes. One monkey ring to rule them all. My precious.

Speaking of monkeys (as if I even need to use that transisiton on this blog), a study has proven that monkeys can plan ahead. I was hoping the article would talk about monkeys saving for college or making reservations at nice restaurants. But instead, the study found that orangutans and bonobos could plan to use certain tools to access food.

A few years ago I watched this amazing Discovery show about monkeys who planned and carried out this break-out from the zoo. One monkey used a rock to break off a peice of steel from his water tank and then hid it for days before using it to cut the glass of the cage. It was amazing. Also frightening. Here I am worried about the robot rising and there's monkeys all around us planning agaisnt us. This is how Planet of the Apes really begins.

In other animal news (lots of animals in the news this week!), Alaskan zookeepers are committing one of the foulest types of animal abuse: trying to make an elephant exercise. The articles syas, "By their own admission, the trainers have been making slow progress in trying to coax Maggie, a somewhat cantankerous African elephant, onto the world's first treadmill for a pachyderm."

Slow progress? That's because it is an elephant. And you want it to exercise.

For two months, Maggie's trainers have used her favourite treats - watermelon, apples, carrots, peanuts in the shell, banana slices and sweet potatoes to entice the elephant onto the treadmill. So who is the dummy here? It isn't the elephant who won't get on the crazy moving floor. Maggie knows she's got a sweet deal: getting lured with her fave foods. If anyone want to give me free M&Ms, I'll think about exercising too...

So now we go from an elephant too smart to be suckered into exercising (stand strong, Maggie!) to a truly stupid human trick. A man was charged with burglary and criminal mischief Thursday after he allegedly broke into a funeral home and fell asleep in a coffin. Surprisingly, police say the guy was drunk.

Remember that when the non-excercising elephants and monkeys with PDAs take over the Earth. I'll meet you at the Ikea.

PTOIT QUOTES OF THE WEEK

"When I smelled bacon wafting from my new computer, I was thrilled, until I realized it was the smell of my thighs igniting." -From the Salon.com article, iAy Carumba! MacBook Is Hot!

"Even though Pippi Longstockings and the damned Grape Ape are great candidates for the dirty dozen, we might want to consider taking the red beret." -Lost's Sawyer, after Jack announced who is going on the mission to rescue Walt.

"We got caught in a net." -Sawyer, sharing his history with Ana Lucia with his best friend Jack.

Thank You, Staple. And Good Night

Staple, 2000 - 2006

Rest in Peace

Today I learned that Staple, my favorite hardcore band, will soon be gone forever. They rock hard, sing honest, relatable and God-honoring lyrics, and end their debut album with the rocktastic yell of "Thank you and good night!"

I'll get to see them one last time at Cornerstone this July. And there, I will hold up my rock goblet in salute. Goodbye, Staple.

The Rise of the Machines

I have long been warning of the robot revolution. I have nightmares about fighting armies of cyborgs. I get chills when I read about new developments in robotics. Even the invention of the robot vacuum made me think, "Yup, this is how the rise of the machines begins!" First they are vacuuming our floors and soon they will realize that they are stronger and less squishy than us. And who will be cleaning up whose trash then?

So, of course my interest was piqued this morning when I found this story about a technolgy conference. The CEO of the company that makes those Roomba robo-vacuums says robots will play a big role in military action and elder care. Helping old people? That's great (unless they convince the elderly to fight on their side). But military action? Hasn't anyone seen The Terminator? Or The Matrix?

So, stop the machines. Shut off your computers and ... wait. Finish my blog entry first.

In other news, Snoop Dogg has written a book and gotten kicked out of England forever. And Britney Spears is rapping. Maybe we'd be better off in the service of the robots.

Monkey Search 2006: Day Nine

Status Report: The plastic monkey from my desk is still gone. Hope is dwindling. However, new research has proven that monkeys may be able to talk. So, if Red Fez Monkey is reading this...please call.

Special Update: The experts back in the crime lab (well, Marc) have come through big time. Using special Aging Software, they've produced an image of what Red Fex Monkey may look like today. Here it is:

Bear vs. Monkey

Monkey Search 2006: Day Eight
Status Report: Last night, I recieved an anonymous phone call from two readers who had a major tip about the possible fate of my missing monkey. They directed my attention to this news story. It seems that in a Dutch zoo, a pack of angry bears ate a monkey in front of panicked guests.

The zoo said in a statement, "In an area where bears, great apes and Barbary macaques [read: monkeys] have co-existed peacefully for a long time, the harmony was temporarily disturbed during opening hours on Sunday."

The harmony was temporary disturbed, indeed. So are bears responsible for my missing monkey? Well, we all know that I've always been suspicious of bears. They're crafty. Then again, I have not seen many bears in my office lately.

Action Steps: Adding additional bear traps to office. Questioning known bears in the area. Olin Kreutz has not been available for comment.

Concentrate on Your Yogurt

My friend Marc buys an individual cup of yogurt each day for his lunch. I however, buy in bulk and then bring them one-by-one to work. I am seeing the wisdom to buying them individually.

You see, a 12-pack flat of yogurt almost led to my demise.

At Aldi, I grabbed one of their cardboard flats that hold 12 yogurts and filled it with the delightful Cherries Jubliee yogurt. I set the box on my passenger seat and drove off. Well, I was talking to The Ladyfriend on my phone and pulling into the gas station (to spend $800 on gas, btw). As I turned, went over a bump and hit the brakes, the flat of yogurt turned into a catapult and shot all 12 cartons down to my feet. At first, I playfully yelped because it was kinda funny how they all shot directly down there. And I was relieved that none had broken.

But then horror struck: With the amount of yogurt cartons now at my feet, the already limited surface area near the pedals was filled by tiny fragile Cherry Jubliee landmines. I couldn't move my feet. The little tubs were also under the brake pedal, meaning I couldn't press down. And I was rocketing towards a gas pump. Things didn't look good.

I quickly told The Ladyfriend that I needed to hang-up, but added that I was OK. And then I led the truck into a gentle coast away from any gas pumps or people until I could navigate my feet around the yogurt to press the brake pedal down. Situation averted.

When I called The Ladyfriend back, I aplogized that my yelping and quick goodbye made her think I'd been in an accident. But I explained, "I had to lend my full concentration to all this yogurt."

Monkey Search 2006: Day Seven

Status Report: It is a week now since the Fez Monkey has disappeared. I looked under the desk to no luck. I have also questioned more suspects. No one seems to know anything--or perhaps I surround myself with very good liars. Hard to tell.

Action Steps: I have used another Fez Monkey (Purple Fez Monkey) to generate a missing poster of what Red Fez Monkey looks like (see right). It's only been a week so far, but soon I may implement aging software to get an accurate idea of what he may look like today. I am hoping this poster will help jog people's memories and generate an awareness out there. If you know anything, please let us at PTOIT know.

Why Wait Until the Playoffs?

When I see this photo I imagine Jim Thome saying, "Good job, little man! Only 14 more and you'll be like me!"

That's right: Scott Podsednik got a head start on his normal homerun productivity by not waiting until Game One of the ALDS this year to get his first jack. He got the White Sox going against the Twins today with a two-run home run in the second inning.

It was his first since his Game 2 walk-off home run in the World Series and his first regular-season home run since Sept. 30, 2004. Oh look out, Thome. We may have a new DH. OK, maybe not. But Scotty Pods is back.

His great hitting this series (three hits today--and a triple short of the cycle) has pushed his average to .300 after that 3-for-38 start. Oh yah.

You Are My Gumbo. Or Something.

So I was in church yesterday watching a Mother's Day skit. One of the actors at one point said, "Join us in singing 'You Are My Sunshine.' The lyrics are in your bulletin."

Being a person who does what I am told, I reached down for my bulletin. At that point, my sister gave me a funny look and said, "You need the lyrics for 'You Are My Sunshine?' They are pretty much 'You are my sunshine.'"

She's right. It isn't that difficult of a song. But in my defense, I figured we'd sing more than just the chorus. But we didn't. And it's a good thing. Have you ever read the verses of this song? It's not all that happy. It's about a guy who's lost his love. And there's lines like, "If you leave me/To love another/You'll regret it all some day" and "Now you've left me/And love another/You have shattered all my dreams."

What I didn't know was that it is also the Louisiana State Song. And the state has apparently tacked two verses on the end to apply to their state...so with no warning, the lyrics switch from unrequited love to gumbo.

Man, we should have sung that version in church.

The Wild Kingdom

Many people know about my fear of bears. An irrational fear since I live in the Chicagoland area? Maybe. But you never know when one could shimmy out of it's zoo cage and terrorize the streets of the Chicago suburbs. They're crafty.

Well, imagine my fear when I saw this story about a hunter who found a half-grizzly, half-polar bear. The bears are building the perfect killing machine using their own genes!

But as I read the story, my fear relaxed. You see, I began to see this as not a threat but as a sweet story of forbidden love. A Polar Bear and a Grizzly. They came from different worlds. They were told it could never work. But love is a force of nature.

Speaking of the animal kingdom, I've been wanting to discuss a new film for awhile now. Shoot, what is the name of it... It is about these snakes. And they are unleashed on a plane. Dang, what is the name? Oh yah, Snakes on a Plane. I am sure you've heard about it.

Samuel L. Jackson is a cop on a plane with like 400 snakes. It doesn't come out until August but has become a pop-cultural phenomenon. There's fan sites for it. There's a huge cult following. In fact, the early clamoring for it from the Internet community pushed the film company to do reshoots to amp up the gore, camp and violence.

Because there is such a supportive and excited fan community behind it already, I figure it is about time for the backlash to begin. I think I might start an Anti-Snakes on a Plane movement. I mean how good can the acting of these snakes be? Maybe I will claim cruelity to animals. You know kids will see this movie and take their pet snakes on flights--without a proper dosage of Dramamine. And then we have all these air-sick snakes on our hands. Or maybe I will claim the film exploits snakes. Or Planes. Or flight attendants.

On the other hand, I think I may begin supporting this film to become a franchise. Think about how scary Bears on a Plane would be!

Somehow, This is George Lopez's Fault

It has become part of my idiom that I struggle with the fine mechanics of programming a VCR. This reputation has come from how often I tape The George Lopez Show.

Since no one would do that voluntarily, there's obviously a problem.

I maintain my problem is really with time--and not setting a VCR itself. At the beginning of this season, ABC featured Lopez at 7, The Freddie Prinze show at 7:30 and Lost at 8 on Wednesdays. That sounds simple. But I had it in my head that Lost was on at 7 so I kept taping the dang Lopez Show. After doing that 30 or 40 times, people gave me a hard time for it. And then it got worse.

The first week that I remembered that Lost was on at 8, it also happened to be the fall time change. Since I didn't re-set my VCR clock, it taped at 7:00. And ya, I had a useless tape of the stinking George Lopez Show again. Then, when I went to Nashville, my VCR somehow got its calendar off by a day so it taped on Tuesday instead of Wendesday (??).

This is all to say that my friends don't trust me to provide a tape of Lost. Well, that leads us to last night. We had a softball game and a few of us arranged to go back to my place afterwards to watch last night's episode. There were many jokes about whether I could be trusted to have it on tape. I was kinda stressed out about it. But I took my time and made sure the programming was right.

So, we get there and sure enough: It worked! We watch the show and then--just about 4 minutes from the end--right at the climax, the show abruptly stops. It quit taping right after Mr.Eko yells, "What are you doing?" And then Charissa-- shocked by what is happening--yelled back at the TV, "What are you doing???"

We all drove to Emily and Charissa's house to watch the end on her tape. But for some reason, it didn't tape at all! So we called Marc to go to his house--but he informs us that he missed the very end too! Ack.

So what happended to my taping? I don't know. It is a mystery. I maintain it's not my fault. I had the VCR set to tape until 9:02, but I think my clock was two minutes fast. However, that should have still been fine. Since Marc's taping cut off too, the show must have run over after 9. Bummer.

But the good news is that ABC puts all it's shows online for free. Heck with VCRs.

Monkey Search 2006: Day Three
Status Report: The monkey is still missing. I have searched the desk and surrounding floor area to no success. I have also qustioned suspects and gotten testimonies ranging from "Why would you ask me that?" to "You had a monkey?" to "Do I know you?"
Planned Step: Searching under my desk today.

The Joy of Sox

Last night was the perfect night at the ballpark. I had The Ladyfriend at my side. I got to eat a frozen banana. And nachos. We had great bleacher seats right in center field. The weather turned out to be wonderful. And the White Sox kicked the crud out of the Angels for the 8th straight meeting. (Ironically, the last time the Angels beat the Sox, the first game of the ALCS, I was also in the ballpark. And also had a frozen banana.)

During the first inning, the pseudo-fans behind us began to complain about Freddy. He gave up some hits and a run. They were concerned. They started talking about it being a short night for Mr. Garcia. They worried about his 4 hits allowed in two innings. But have they never seen Freddy pitch? He takes time. He settles down. (I will not comment on how he calms himself down. I will leave those jokes to The Gat.) On the night, Freddy gave up only one more hit and 1 run total. Nice.

And then we got treated to a Thome homerun. Like Konerko, Thome's homers are noticable as soon as they touch the bat. As soon as he swang his big bohemoth swing, the entire crowd stood. I think they partly stood out of excitement. And perhaps partly out of reverence. But I think most stood because they feared being hit. With the speed those suckers go out, it's like a meteor shower. You don't know where it's gonna land and you don't know what damage could be done. I have heard that U.S. Cellular is offering Thome insurance.

Crede and Dye also homered. Has anyone else looked at our offensive numbers recently? It's ridiculous. Seven guys are batting over .300. Four guys have 7 homers or more. And even Scott Podsednick is knocking on the door of .300 now after a rough start. This is a defense and pitching team remember?

In fact, I have to say the highlight of the night was the defense by my boy Scotty Pods. I expect him to steal bases (which he did). I expect him to get on base (1 for 1 with 4 walks? Are you kidding me?). But Scott amazed me last night by robbing that homer by Tim Salmon. What was cool was that, being in the bleachers, I had an awesome view of it. I watched as Scott just stood at the wall waiting. His eyes were on the ball and I thought, "The dude is so zoned in." And still he waited. His eyes were locked. And then, he jumped, timed it perfectly, and ripped it back out of the bullpen.

I've seen great moments at Sox games. Homers, comebacks, game-winning hits, etc. But that was the best defensive play I've seen live. Getting to see it that close, and to see Scott's eyes as it unfolded, was great. Almost as good was the rection of the fans after the catch. There was a long chant of his name as he stood there playing the rest of the inning. As it peaked, he just stood there with his glove over his mouth in his humble, "Gee Shucks" manner.

This was the second Sox game that I've seen with The Ladyfriend. The first was in early April. It was very cold and we lost. So I remarked to her that I was glad our streak of bad games together was over and not some horrible omen. She said that one game is not a streak. I maintain that it is a streak--just a really short one.

Do you have my monkey?

Boy, my day was going great until I made a shocking discovery. Someone has stolen my monkey! I have a replica of the Santa Maria (not full size) on my desk and there's a little monkey with a fez who sits in it (like the original Fez Monkeys who came over to the New World on the real Santa Maria of course). This morning, I've realized that the ship was moved (it usually faces due Southeast and it was facing West) and the monkey is gone. Maybe he got the scurvy.

This is quite unnerving. I need to get my mind off it.

This weekend, I took down the decorations from the Storm party. The steamers were drooping so badly that they were rubbing my head when I walked by. The big lightning bolts however were hanging strong. I could have left those up, but without the streamers they just looked silly. You know, because if a neighbor saw the whole thing they'd be like, "Oh. Party," but with just the big lightning bolts they'd be more like, "Wow, I need to watch my kids closer."

As another condo update, my tree is no longer dying. It turns out that it needs far less water than I would have guessed. Through this experience, I think the tree and I have reached a watering agreement much like the Resurrection Plant and I have. The RP dies when it needs waters--turns brown and droops. I water it, and it pops right back up. It's a nice arrangement. The tree now knows to drop a couple leaves when it needs a glass of water. This is how I expect to care for children also.

Fish-slapping and Locomotives

I celebrated Cinco de Mayo on Friday in the traditional festive way--by eating salsa and then seeing a musical. At least, I think that's what you're supposed to do. At work, we took out an hour and a half of the day to have a Salsa-making competition. 10 people entered. Did you know how many different kinds of salsa there are? One woman said that she found a website with 465 different recipes. That's about 456 more than I figured.

And then, I went to see "Spamalot," the musical based on Monty Python and the Holy Grail. My goodness. This is a fabulous show. I highly recommend. I usually get bored in musicals. But when there are people rolling off of dead carts, flinging cows and fish-slapping, I am very attentive. Nicely done, Mr. Python.

On Saturday, I went to prom. Really. I went as a chaperone. It was interesting for me to see prom from this angle. It felt different watching it unfold from the outside as an adult instead of being a teen caught up in the excitement of hormones and emotions.

Of course, the biggest difference I viewed was that my prom had no jets, coal mines or locomotives. You see, my prom was held at a small country club. Saturday's prom was at the Museum of Science and Industry. Holy cow. There is nothing like walking around a giant train set with hundreds of sweaty people gyrating to "Booty, Booty, Booty" just yards away. Oh, I hope The Youth of America appreciate the opportunities they have...

On a Very Special Episode of "Pirate Dad"...

So, we had another productive staff meeting at work yesterday. Last week, we discussed my plans to rebuild society after the nukes fall at the Ikea. This week, we discussed parenting.

I had to reveal my big parenting plan. Kids pick up on what is around them. They use the words they hear. That is their reality and all they know. So, I figure I will save myself a lot of trouble if I carefully plan the words I use. For instance, I will always call any candy, broccoli. And broccoli will be candy. That way, when they get to school and people offer them candy and such, they will be like, "Heck. No." This plan should work perfectly with other things I wnat them to stay away from, like making out, drugs, and Pauley Shore. Dang, I should write a parenting book.

Also in that meeting, Doug F and I hit onto a new TV show idea: Pirate Dad. It began as a Father Knows Best kind of thing with Dad in an eye patch and a hook for a hand. He'd always warn about scurvy. And pat Johnny on the head and tell him to go help his mom swab the deck. It'd be a good family show. But as we discussed we thought that it would be better to be a Full House kind of thing with three pirates raising kids. Cookie would be the pirate who'd make dinner and stuff. The Captain would be the actual father figure. The best part is that we thought they could all sleep on hammocks tacked to one wall in the house. It'd be great.

PTOIT Quotes of the Week

"My show ain't no Dr. Phil, with people sitting around crying. You're a fool--that's what's wrong with you. You're a fool if you don't take my advice." --Mr. T talking about his new TV talk show.

"Brides will be taken, but they won't help your chances any." --A Freudian slip by me in a list of rules for my work's Salsa contest. It was meant to be "bribes."

"I don't have a choice. It's not like I can go do construction, start building houses in Malibu. [The Media] are forcing me to do this, and I'm glad they are. I'm more than happy to do it. I categorize myself as an artist--a true artist." --Kevin Federline's crazy rationalization on why he is making a rap album.

All Hail Pablo Ozuna

Clutch (kluch): 1. Being or occuring in a tense situation. 2. Tending to be successful in tense or critical situations. 3. Pablo Ozuna.

(So, sidenote: How come every time you see a White Sox celebration picture, Brian Anderson is in it? If he could hit as well he can run out to home plate...we'd be set. I dub him Honorary Team Congratulator.)

It's Hard to Have Good Dental Health

I am finding obstacles in my battle for good dental health. I am trying so hard to brush every day now after the "6-Cavity Incident of March". But things just keep stopping me. I think it's the powers of evil. They hate clean teeth apparently.

So first, I left my toothbrush at my parents' house at Easter and kept forgetting for like a week to buy a new one. And then this weekend on the retreat, my hair gel spilled into my bathroom bag. Well, I didn't notice that and tried brushing my teeth with the newly-purchased toothbrush that was in that bag. As I was brushing I thought, "Man this toothpaste is gross. But I used to like it. Can toothpaste go bad?" That's when I looked in the bag and saw the layer of goo.

I tried soaking that brush. But in the end, I needed a new one. Again. And I bought two--for the next time the armies of darkness try to stop me from good oral hygiene.

In other news... I haven't listed clever song titles lately, but I found this good one on the re-release of the awesome House of Heroes debut CD: "You are the Judas of the Cheerleading Squad."

I also saw Mission:Impossible 3 last night at a preview screening. It's awesome. J.J. Abrams has breathed new life into the franchise with fun, excitement and intensity. It is a crazy ride. By the end, I was worn out.

The 788-Person Difference

In Entertainment Weekly, Tom Hanks said this about The Da Vinci Code:

"I think the movie may end up helping churches do their job. You know, if they put up a sign saying, 'This Wednesday we're discussing the gospel,' 12 people show up. But if the sign says, 'This Wednesday we're discussing The Da Vinci Code,' 800 people show up."

I have some conflicting reactions to Hanks here. First of all, I agree. This movie is not a threat to the church but an open door. To react with only fear and protest and anger is to miss the point that God can use anything. Here we have a major movie getting people to think about Jesus. That's a good thing, right? Instead of boycotting it, go with your friends. That way, when they have questions about the real Jesus and the biblical Truth, you're there. I know I'll end up seeing it.

I also agree with Hanks that using culture and media to teach the Bible is a key way to pull people in and reach them. I do this with my youth all the time. I'll use football analogies to talk about God's plan. I'll use X-Men to talk about the gifts of the church. Most of the articles I write use the movies to talk about heaven & hell, free will, happy endings and other messages. I hope churches do have open-to-the-community discussions about the film. I hope we do use this to get conversations started.

What I have a hard time with is Hanks' numbers. 12 people to talk about the Gospel? 800 to talk about the movie? A 788-person difference? I wonder if what bothers me is a) Hank's pretentiousness about his own movie's draw or b) that he's right. More would come with the second sign. How are we in a societal place where the name of a movie would pull in many more people to the church than the name of Jesus itself? And is that a bad thing? Does that mean that Hollywood and culture are more relevant to each person's life than the church? Or does it simply mean that we as a church can grow in our ability to use the culture around us to show how relevant to a daily life we really are?

Leading the Blind Through Hot Lava

So, this weekend was exhilarating and exciting. I went with our high school youth group to Bair Lake, Michigan, for a high ropes course retreat. (For those of you keeping track at home, Bair Lake is the site of the "Ski Incident" two winters ago.)

We started out with the typical team building games where you have to come together as a group to solve a problem. Suffice it to say that if our group ever gets caught needing to cross hot lava, we are set. Or if anyone goes blind and needs to be led through a forest? No prob.

After doing a morning full of games and activities that helped to build trust, emotional saefty and teamwork, we moved 25 feet into the air. I have never really had much of a problem with climbing or heights. (However, I have been known to dislike planes and flying. I think the difference is who is in control: me or a pilot? Is my life in my own hands? Or in the hands of earthly mechanics?).

But even with doing ropes courses before--and not being too afraid--there were still challenges (like the waist harness that basically catches guys from falling in a very bad part of the body to be caught at.)

This weekend's ropes course was more diverse than I'd ever done before. There were over 15 different obstacles (or elements) up there: balance beams, mini-zip lines, rope puzzles, tightropes, swings, pulley carts, cargo nets, etc. Some were very challenging. One element was just two platforms facing each other about 4 feet apart. And you were supposed to jump. Seriously.

The neat thing about this weekend (and really every time I am with the youth) is how I wasn't just the teacher or model. I was also a learner and follower. I only did that crazy jump because I saw a junior do it boldly and safely. I only figured out one mutha of a rope puzzle because a freshman guy talked me through it after figuring it out himself.

In fact, when we were are preparing to go up onto the course, there were two pretty freaked out girls. Another adult leader decided to be one's "Climbing buddy." I volunteered to be Andrea's buddy. As we got set to go up, I made a deal with Andrea--she could pick whatever elements we did and I would do them first. The catch? She'd then have to do it. And so, all day, we went around the ropes course together. I'd figure out how to do the crazy pulley cart, and then talk her through it. I'd walk the log. And then she would. I'd make the crazy jump and then she would. I'd coach her on and be a cheerleader.

The funny thing is that while I was so busy coaching Andrea on, I didn't realize all the elements I was conquering. I did stuff that I never would have on my own. If I'd not been Andrea's "Climbing Buddy," I would have just turned around at that jump platform. I wouldn't have done that mutha of a rope puzzle. But, I wanted to show her they could be done. I was so focused on showing her an example, that I just did it. I was busy being a big brother and didn't realize how I was growing.

This experience just reminded me again how God doesn't just call us to service to get the work done. Or even to just change others' lives. He does it because he knows service and leadership changes us too.