Children, Do Not Err Like Me

I am a cautionary tale. Tell young children about me so that they may know right from wrong. My mistakes shall stand as warning signs for those who follow. Peasants will sing sad ballads about the poor decisions I've made. There may even be brooding verse written by sad Irish poets about how I've now reaped what I've sown.

I am like a Shakespearan character who makes a fateful decision meant to benefit himself and it becomes his ruin. Yes, I am the King Lear of Oral Hygiene. You see, 7 years ago, I decided that it would be less painful and comfortable to just stop going to the dentist. And now, I've returned to pay the piper. I've been to the dentist three times in the month of March. I've sat in the chair for about 6 hours total. It turns out that 7 years takes its toll on teeth. Who'd of thunk that?

Yesterday, I got 6 cavities filled. This meant that they had to pump so much anesthetic into my face that my children will feel numb. Seriously. When the dentist was done, she pulled out of my mouth this big metal brace, three bales of cotton, a suction tube, a little step stool, and this tiny man with a hatchet. I was like, "Holy cow, I had no idea that stuff was all sitting in my mouth."

So the moral of the story is this: Go to the dentist. If not for the oral health, than go for the boost in self-esteem. Seriously. As the dentist and her assistant were doing surgery to my face yesterday with all these complicated instruments and procedures, all they kept saying was how good of a job I was doing. I'm like, "Yah, I rock. I can lay here with the best of them."


DoubleM said...

Wow! Way to be a drama queen.

I think it's just a big sham. There's actually a ratio of how many years since you've last been to how many "cavities" they will fill. There's some complicated math involved.

You realize that if everyone went regularly, then the dentists would get bored. "Oh boy, another trouble-free cleaning" is all they would say. Way to keep them on their toes, man! Way to make them earn their paycheck! You walked in and I know the hygenists and dentist were high-fiveing in the back room. They were pulling straws to see who would get your work. They really live for days like that.

At the end of the day, your picture went up in their breakroom with the caption: Most Challenging Mouth To Date.

So good for you Todd. Way to be different and not boring!

derfman said...

What the? What is this "derfman" watch?

Ah, the Lonely Man...

the todd said...

Hey Derfman,
This is my tribute to you. I'll probably pull quotes from other blogs too...but this week, you had some great stuff.

the Gat said...

going to the dentist is fricking awesome... cuz of the dental assistants. not to be confused with "dental assistance."