It's the End. Grab your Tekla!

This week was the 20th anniversary of the Chernobyl disaster. A co-worker came into our staff meeting on Wednesday and mentioned how she'd been reflecting on this horrible and sad nuclear accident. One thing it made her think about was what she'll do when a worldwide nuclear holocaust occurs and changes civilization as we know it. At this point, I had to speak up. I have a plan. And I want you to all know it so you can join me.

In college, my roommates Jeff, Adam and I would discuss our plans for when tragedy strikes and the handful of Earth's survivors are sent back to a primitive, tribal, every-man-for-himself, Mad-Max-kind-of world. Jeff, a native Nebraskan is headed back to Lincoln to set up residence in the massive Nebraska state capitol. And Adam is going to horde needed materials--like spoons--to become a wealthy baron. (Seriously, when the world is without spoons and all you have is canned foods and portable jello cups, all eyes will turn to Adam.)

I am not economically minded like Adam. And I am not going to try to traverse the nuclear wasteland of the Midwest just to get to Nebraska. I'm moving into the IKEA. Oh yes.

This is where I will establish a new society. Think about it. There are hundreds of already furnished rooms. You just need to add a wall to one side (or even just a partition perhaps) and you are set. We'll have all the building supplies (and fine cheap furniture) we need--and they all require only one tool. (Oh, and this is how I will be the ruler. I will destroy all of those little Ikea wrenches but one. You'll need me.)

We'll have swedish meatballs and other fine cuisine to last us months before we get our hunting party up and running. The IKEA I have in mind (in Schaumburg, Illinois) will also provide ample security. It's located in a commercial district with a lot of flat ground (parking lots) surrounding it. With sentries posted on the high roof, we will see Post-Apocalypse Pirates and Biker Gangs coming for miles. Another advantage: My IKEA Commune will sit right on major highways so that when we find an alternative fuel source, we can easily move about the landscape (and perhaps open up trade routes to the Nebraska contingent).

The one downside could be the way language will change in our new society. True, this will take a generation or two. But eventually, we will lose our fine English language be replaced by a strange cross between Scandavian and English (Engandavian? Scandlish?). It will sound something like this: "Have you seen my Mysa Moln? I swear I left it on my Kongsvig, but maybe it's in the Hemnes with the Gosa Krama."

PTOIT Quotes of the Week:

"I woke up one morning and the gods of rock & roll had
bestowed this mustache upon me; it's a soft boomerang of love."
-Jesse "Boots Electric" Hughes (right) of the band The Eagles of Death Metal talking to Entertainment Weekly about his mustache.

"It takes guts to be the rock & roll Tom Selleck. A 'stache is shaped like half of a Y. It says 'Yes!' I tell Jesse he's like Freddie Mercury's straight nephew."
- Josh Homme of the band The Eagles of Death Metal talking to Entertainment Weekly about Jesse's mustache.

"Do you think if you eat skunk, your farts smell worse?"
-My friend Josh, just because he's Josh.

"It's like I am wearing a napkin."
- My friend Marc, about his new linen shirt.

"It just goes to show you, you never know where you will find a little piece of Todd."
-Josh again, this time talking about finding an article I wrote posted up in some random church in Minnesota.