Gadunkgadunkphobia

I have an admission to make. I have Ga-dunk-ga-dunkphobia.

You see, I am afraid of Missy Elliot. I'm not sure when it began, but for the last several years I have found myself really scared of her. I get the shivers when I hear her on the radio. When I see her videos, I kinda hide behind my hands so she won't see me. I just have this irrational fear that she's coming after me.

I realize that the real Missy may be really very charming, but her public persona creeps me out. One part of it could be that I know she could kick my butt. But more than that, what unsettles me is how forcefully sexual she is. Have you ever read her lyrics? Here's an example:

Can I put my booty booty up in your spaghetti?

Yikes. How do you answer that question? That's just not polite conversation. But seriously, many hip hoppers use language like that--or worse. And unfortunately it is somehow more culturally accepted from men and not women. But that's not really where my phobia comes from. Instead, it is how militant and threatening Miss Demeanor is in her sexuality. I feel uneasy and threatened. It's as if she's not just singing about sex, but instead threatening to come after me. At least she asked about my spaghetti. She doesn't always. Take this lyric for example:

Pretty boy here I come/On the count of three/ Me and you gonna get romantically

That sounds like a threat. I have no say in this? No, Miss Demeanor is in the house and she is in charge. Here's another thinly veiled and forceful threat:

Keep your eyes on my bum-bum-bum-bum-bum.

Or else what? What will the bum-bum-bum-bum-bum do if I do not carefully watch it? This is what I am afraid of. I don't know exactly what the bum-bum-bum-bum-bum is capable of if left unsupervised. I kinda feel like a suprise guerilla attack of the bum-bum-bum-bum-bum could happen at any time. "Watch for it, " Missy threatens. "It's coming for you." In another song, she suggests that the bum-bum-bum-bum-bum will "go boom." And that is all the more frightening. I don't want anything to go boom.

Missy elevates the negative emotions by being demeaning and challenging. She makes me feel like less of a man by questioning whether I could match up with her in lines like:

Think you can handle this ga-dunk ga-dunk dunk?

Since I don't even know what a "ga-dunk ga-dunk dunk" is, I feel inadequete and again threatened. I am not sure I could handle it. As I look at the facts, maybe this is no phobia. Maybe I am right to be wary. Perhaps I am the only one truly taking Missy's warnings about the bum-bum-bum-bum seriously. But I will be watching and waiting for the attack--because as she says, "I be creeping and creeping."