Sauerkraut: The Thing That Divides Us All

I don't often get my life threatened. Especially by mass groups of people. But yesterday was a special occasion.

It started off simply enough. I went downstairs to the lunchroom to heat up my lunch--leftover sausage and sauerkraut from the night before. I grew up having suppers of sausage and sauerkraut. It is yummy. I am German and we like such things.

Well, not everyone likes sauerkraut. As I was heating it up in the microwave, the comments started. People complained about the smell. But it was all in good fun so I finished and went back to my office two stories above the lunchroom.

About 25 minutes later, the phone rings. The head of the department that sits next to the lunchroom is on the other end. She is very upset. And she quite often scares me. So I am concerned as she begins in a very serious and mean tone, "On behalf of this entire department, I want you to know that if you ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER heat up Sauerkraut again, we will come for you. And we have torches and pitchforks."

Apparently not everyone likes sauerkraut.

PURPLE FEZ MONKEY AND THE LAST CRUSADE: WEEK 2
Last week, Purple Fez Monkey set sail on the Santa Maria to find his lost brother Red Fez Monkey. Today, I got my first letter back from Purple Fez. It reads:

"Dearest Todd, I am sad to report that so far I have not learned anything of Red Fez's whereabouts. It's been a grueling first week and I find myself in a world I know not.

I chose to sail down the mighty Mississippi River. My adventure took a bad turn when I stopped for supplies. I met a man whom I asked, "Have you seen my brother, Red Fez Monkey?" He said, yes. In fact, he said he knew where he was. Very excited, I followed him. He said that in order to pull Red Fez from hiding, I had to go undercover. Before I knew it, I was dressed in a silly vest and dancing on the street as this man played what appeared to be an accordian. After about 7 hours, I realized that this man didn't know where Red Fez was but was merely a street performer trying to make change. I was too gullible.

However, there was a bright spot. A man watching me perform on the street took pity on me and said, "Your embarrassment touches my heart. I shall treat you to a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!" He told me he'd take me to a great sporting event where cardinals fought tigers. I enjoy seeing competitions between animals (the great Phase 10 contests we fez monkeys used to have still warms my heart) so I agreed. I decided that I'd root for the cardinals because cardinals have never tried to eat monkeys. The same cannot be said for tigers.

When we arrived at the sporting arena, I did not see one cardinal or tiger. Instead, only humans. No offense to you, but humans are not as fun to watch as animals. Unless they are Gallagher. He is funny. Although it was no contest of beasts, I still enjoyed myself. I have included a photo of me at the series of the world. I hope you enjoy it.

I am back on the Santa Maria now. I feel tremendous guilt for both being misled by those who would keep me from my quest and for being distracted by my own selfish entertainment. No more. I now sail for the oceans. I will find Red Fez Monkey. I will.

Your Friend and Mine,
Purple Fez "