Free Massage Ettiquette

I had breakfast with Doug this morning at our normal little diner and it made me think of a story that I never told anyone. One morning, I got to this little greasy spoon before Doug. As I sat there, I began to think maybe I had crossed over into some kind of bizarro world.

There were three other customers in the restaurant. And starting with the booth furthest from me, our regular waitress started going from person to person with something that sounded like a tiny motor. I wasn't sure what what happening but I could hear the soft "whirrrrrrrrr" sound as she stood next to their table and each customer seemed to be appreciative. After about two minutes, the waitress would move to the next customer.
When she got to the third person, I saw that she was giving everyone hand massages with some kind of little electronic massager. Now, there's nothing wrong with getting electronic hand massages from a stranger. But it's just weird. Especially when your waitress is methodically moving through the patrons of the establishment in this way. The third guy asked her to use the little massager on his neck. And it just creeped me out. It seemed so random and out of place.

After the neck guy, my booth was next. I was trying to figure out what the proper ettiquette is when a waitress offers you a free hand massage instead of, you know, bringing you your orange juice in due time. I wanted to find an uninsulting way to decline. I rehearsed a few lines in my head: "No thanks" or "No thanks, I just had a hand massage at the last diner" or "No thanks, my hands are properly loose" or " No thanks, I'm not that kind of guy." As I thought about it, my hands started to feel stiff and cramped. I caught myself thinking, Boy, I could use a hand massage right now...crap. Nevermind.

Just as the massage in front of me was ending, Doug walked in and the waitress realized that she had to go get another menu. After that, she just took people's orders.

As Doug sat down, I so wanted to tell him what had just occurred. Instead, I just sat there with a weird smirk on my face. Which really isn't that out of the normal.

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